PORNO TV, The Pornographic Classic Television Network Presents:
The Andy Griffith Show
The Andy Griffith Show, which introduced us to the denizens of Mayberry,
North Carolina, ran on CBS from 1960 - 1968. Griffith played the role of
Andy Taylor, a small-town widowed sheriff, who lived with his young son
Opie (Ron Howard), and his Aunt Bee (Francis Bavier).
Sheriff Taylor was backed up by his cousin and deputy, Barney Fife, played
by Don Knotts.
In 1965, when Andy made noises about ending the series, Knotts went looking
for other projects, including movies and a short-lived ety show. But
Griffith was convinced to stay with the series; and Knotts had committed
himself beyond his capacity to stay with the show. His character "moved
away" from Mayberry, only returning occasionally in subsequent shows.
In the first episode of the sequel series, "Mayberry RFD", Sheriff Taylor
and long-time girlfriend Helen Crump married and "moved away" from
Mayberry, leaving the town (and the new series) to Sam Jones (Ken Berry).
While the series was still in its first run, daytime reruns were shown
under the title "Andy of Mayberry".
Most of this story takes place in that short gap between the two series,
but if the story conflicts in some details with the wedding episode, please
Let's all sing! (Or you can just whistle, if you like.)
Well, now take down your fishin' pole
And meet me at the fishin' hole.
We may not get a bite all day,
But don't you rush away!
What a great place to rest your bones,
And mighty fine for skippin' stones.
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade,
A settin' in the shade.
Whether it's hot,
Whether it's cool,
Oh what a spot
For whistlin' like a fool!
What a fine day to take a stroll
And wander by the fishin' hole.
I can't think of a better way
To pass the time o'day!
The Andy Griffith Show: "Ding! Dong! The Bells Are Gonna Chime"
by Shelby Bush
Raleigh, North Carolina:
Barney Fife picked up the card again and looked hard at it. It was a nice
card, an engraved wedding invitation.
He ran his fingers over the printing, feeling the raised type, testing to
see if he could read it with his fingers.
He gritted his teeth and tried again... yes... he could just ... almost ...
make out the word Andrew.
He opened his eyes, and saw that his fingers were on the word "church".
He tossed the invitation back on the end table disgustedly. Tying his robe
around him, he picked up his shaving kit and towel, and strode purposefully
down the hall toward the showers.
A door opened to his right, and a head appeared before him.
"Hi sweetie, have you seen Lance?" the fellow asked.
"Nope." Barney shook his head.
"Oh, darn," the fellow said, grimacing. "We were supposed to shower
Barney walked on down the hallway. Living at the YMCA did have its
He showered quickly, donning his robe over his wet body before someone else
walked in on him. He took his shaving kit over to the sink and lathered
Two men walked into the shower room, and stripped. Barney kept his eyes
studiously on his reflection in the foggy mirror. They went into the large
shower room, and the water started running.
Barney rushed his shaving, but the moaning and slapping sounds in the
shower caught his ears anyway. He rinsed off the last of the shaving
cream, gathered up his stuff, and rushed down the hallway to his room.
Once again safely behind his closed door, he sighed heavily. He removed
his robe and finished drying off, then took his security guard uniform off
the hanger and began to dress.
Back in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy Taylor walked down Main Street. He passed
several townspeople who smiled and nodded. The door to Emmett's Fix-it
Shop was open, and he leaned inside.
"Hey, Emmett," he grinned.
"Hey, Andy." Emmett looked up from the innards of the toaster he was
working on. "Nice day out."
"Sure is." Andy stuck his hands into his pockets. "You got time to look
at Aunt Bee's clothes washer?"
Emmett scratched his head, thinking. "I guess I could get over there this
afternoon. Havin' trouble with that hot-water hose again?"
"Naw," Andy smiled. "It's making a funny noise now. Sorta 'ga-loom,
Emmett nodded. "Know exactly what that is. No trouble."
"Thanks. See you later."
Andy went back out to the sidewalk, and headed toward the courthouse. He
began whistling a merry little tuneless tune.
Floyd Lawson was sitting in front of his barber shop, reading his
newspaper. Andy slipped into the other end of the bench.
"Morning, Floyd," Andy said.
"Morning, Andy," Floyd replied, peering over the top of his paper. "Need a
"Not yet, Floyd. But I will before the wedding. Maybe this afternoon."
Floyd put down his newspaper. "That's right. You're getting married... is
Andy shook his head. "Nope, day after. We've got a wedding rehersal
"I love weddings," Floyd sighed.
They sat in silence as a dog strolled past them, then flopped down on the
sidewalk, and started to lick its genitals.
Floyd nodded at the dog. "Sometimes I wish I could do that."
Andy grinned. "So why don't you? It's your dog."
They both broke out laughing, and Andy stood up. "Got to go, Floyd. See
you this afternoon."
Floyd was still laughing. "Okay, Andy."
As Andy strolled on down the street, Floyd stood and shouted after him,
"Hey, Andy, that's not my dog!"
Barney walked out the doors of the YMCA and headed up the street. Even in
the state capital, there weren't many people out yet this time of the
He strutted in his uniform, marching music playing in his head. He reached
the bank doors shortly, and fished in his pocket for the key.
He opened the door, stepped inside, and locked the door behind him. He
made his morning inspection, making sure that nothing was suspicious,
nothing out of place, nothing was amiss.
Finally satisfied, he sat down in his chair, picked up yesterday's
newspaper, and began to read.
The manager arrived shortly, and Barney took up his guard's position in the
lobby. The tellers and other personnel filtered in.
Barney rocked back and forth on his feet, watching the bank customers move
in and out. Periodically, he patted the handgun on his hip, just to assure
himself that it was still there. Andy wasn't around to enforce the "one
bullet" rule, but Barney did keep the first chamber empty, just in case he
fumbled with the gun.
One day was much like another at the bank, he mused. It was a good thing
to have something every once in a while to pull you out of the ordinary. So
it was with the wedding invitation. He had always expected Andy and Helen
to get married, but the invitation had come out of the blue.
A sly smile crept over his face as he thought about Andy and Helen, and
Mayberry. It really would be nice to see the old hometown again.
He hadn't realized he had his eyes closed, until the kid kicked his shins.
"Ow!" Barney hopped on one foot, rubbing the insulted leg, as the child
ran and hid behind his mother.
Re regained his composure, easing his weight back on the injured leg. He
smiled at the woman, who gave him a dirty look.
"Kids..." he muttered, "That kind of behavior needs to be nipped in the
bud, I tell you," and strolled across the front of the lobby. "Nip it!"
About half-way across the floor, he spotted a book of matches. He bent
down quickly and picked them up. He glanced at the pack; from the big
hotel up the street. He slipped the matches into his pocket.
Andy picked up the two-piece phone and leaned back in his chair, putting
his feet up on the desk. "Sarah, get Helen for me."
He tilted his head back, away from the microphone, and whistled softly
until Helen picked up her telephone.
When she answered, Andy jumped. "Hello, sweetie." A pause while he
listened, then said, "No, I didn't mean you, Sarah. Thank you." He waited
for the click indicating Sarah had broken her connection.
"Hello, Sweetie," Andy repeated, leaning back again in his chair, cradling
the base of the phone on his chest as he whispered sweet nothings into the
long-handled stem of the telephone.
Barney rocked back and forth on his feet. Mid-afternoons standing guard in
the lobby were the worst. The sun beat through the windows, heating up his
legs, making his feet sweat inside his heavy, shiny-black shoes.
He turned his back on the entranceway, trying to even out the heat on his
shoes. He heard the door open, but didn't turn around.
Realizing after a moment that nobody had passed him after entering the
door, he glanced around. He saw a form -- a female form -- slip behind
him. He turned the other way. The woman moved again swiftly behind him
Barney spun on his heels quickly, and was face-to-face with the woman.
Suddenly, he was being kissed. Kissed hard and soft at the same time.
He pushed himself back and opened his eyes wide.
She grinned at him, a sparkle in her eye. "Hi, Barney."
Andy hung up the phone, and set it back on the desk. He leaned back again
in the chair, putting his hands behind his head. He smiled, thinking about
The door to the courthouse burst open, and Otis stumbled in.
Andy jumped up. "Otis, it's too early in the day for this!"
Otis shook his head. "I'm not drunk, Andy. Honest."
"What's the problem?"
"Guess who I just saw at the edge of town."
"I'm not guessing. Tell me."
"Ernest T. Bass. Big as life."
Andy shook his head. All he needed right now was Ernest T.
"All right, Otis. Do me a favor and go down to the hardware store and tell
them to be sure they've got lots of window glass available."
"And Otis," Andy added, "try to stay out of trouble this weekend."
Otis turned and grinned at him. "You get married this weekend, doncha?"
Andy nodded. "Yep. And I'll consider it your wedding present to spend the
weekend at home."
"Aw, Andy..." Otis smiled and looked at the floor. "All right, you got a
Barney looked at Thelma Lou, astonished.
"What... How did you find me?" he stammered.
"Why, Barney, are you hiding from me?" Thelma Lou smiled, batting her eyes
"Nope," Barney said, gulping.
"Actually, I got an invitation from Andy and Helen. I called Helen up to
RSVP, and I asked her where you were working."
"Oh..." Barney nodded. "This is not my ordinary job, you understand. Most
of the time I'm in my office upstairs, but two of my men were sick, and
another's on vacation, so I..."
Thelma Lou nodded. "I understand. Where are you living?"
Barney gulped again, and put his hands in his pockets. He felt the
matchbook, and pulled it out quickly.
"Usually, I stay here," he said, handing her the matchbook.
"Oh," Thelma Lou said, looking at the matchbook. "That's a very nice
Barney glanced at his watch. "Tell you what. I get off in a couple of
hours. What say you give me some time after that to change clothes, and
I'll meet you in the hotel restaurant at about seven o'clock."
"That would be lovely." Thelma Lou leaned forward again and kissed his
cheek. "I'm looking forward to catching up with you."
She turned and pushed through the door, waving at him through the glass.
"Friend of yours, Mr. Fife?"
Barney turned to see the bank manager glaring at him. "Yessir. Back on
A small smile drifted over the manager's face. "You might want to wipe off
that lipstick, Fife."
Andy sat outside the courthouse door. As long as he sat outside, chances
were good that Ernest T. wouldn't throw a rock through his window.
A furtive movement across the street caught his eye. Andy stood up and
squinted into the sunlight at the hedges across from him. He saw something
-- someone -- moving behind the bushes.
Glancing both ways, Andy dashed across the street. With a running start,
he was able to leap, neatly clearing the short row of hedges, landing right
behind the man, who spun around and fell, landing on his ass.
"Ernest T. Bass, what are you doing here?" Andy said, angrily.
"Howdy, Sheriff!" Ernest T. said, cheerfully. He scrambled up to his feet.
"What do you want, Ernest T.?"
"Heard you were gettin' hitched, Sheriff," Ernest T. said eagerly. "I want
to sing at your weddin'."
"Aw, Ernest T.," Andy scowled. "I think Helen's got the wedding all
"I think the pretty teacher wants me to sing."
"I don't think so, Ernest T."
Andy shook his head. "I don't think so."
Ernest T. showed Andy the rock in his hand. "If I don't get to sing, I'll
break your winder with this rock."
Andy reached for the rock, but Ernest T. pulled it out of reach.
"Oh, all right, Ernest T., I'll talk to Helen."
"And she'll let me sing?"
"Then what do I do with this rock?"
"Throw it away," Andy said, shrugging. He turned his back on Ernest T.,
and knew, as soon as he did, it was the wrong thing to do.
The sound of breaking glass brought several citizens out to the street.
Ernest T. cackled, and ran away.
Andy called out, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll call the hardware, and get that
glass replaced. And I'll take the cost out of Ernest T.'s hide..." and
added, to himself, "...if I can catch him."
Opie Taylor scuffed his battered sneakers in the gravel and dust on the
back road. His spirits were high, his troubles were light, and he was
about to participate in one of his favorite late-summer activities --
skinny-dipping in the "ol' swimmin' hole".
As he walked down the lane, he remembered the many, many times he had
walked this same lane, either to go fishing or swimming, with his dad.
Almost without a thought, he started whistling a little tune.
As he neared the swimming hole -- which was just upstream from the best
fishing spot, he stopped whistling. He heard splashing coming from the
He moved into "Indian" mode. He slid into the bushes on the side of the
lane, and slipped up to the small clearing around the pool.
He expected to see one of his friends, and wanted to startle him. What he
saw, startled HIM.
The head showing above the water, its face turned away from him, was
long-haired. No male in Mayberry wore long hair like that. It had to be a
He glanced around the pool, and spotted a small pile of clothes. "Hmm," he
thought, "she must be skinny-dipping, too."
The girl splashed, and lay back in the water, floating on her back. He
could see she was definitely female, now. Her small, pert breasts broke
water, as she floated, just barely moving her arms.
He felt a swelling in his pants, and adjusted his position a bit to ease
She floated around in a small circle, guiding herself with small motions of
her hands. She splashed again as she rose back up, her feet finding the
stones in the bottom of the pool, and standing up.
He could see her face now, if he could tear his eyes away from those
swellings on her chest. The cold water had caused her nipples to harden,
and they looked like little bullets on her tits, pointed up, the soft
breasts a little bottom-heavy.
It was Mary Lynn, a girl in his class at school. Funny, he never noticed
how nice her body was before.
His left foot was going to sleep in his crouched position. He leaned over
to the right to ease the pain. A branch snapped under his foot.
He froze, but it was too late. The girl dropped down in the water.
She was looking right at him.
"Opie? Opie Taylor, is that you?"
Opie stood up. "I just got here. I din't see nothin'"
Mary Lynn frowned, "Didn't see...? I'll bet you didn't."
Opie stepped down to the edge of the pool. "Honest, I..."
"Don't lie, Opie," she smiled. "It's not good for the Sheriff's son to
"Are you going to swim?" she asked.
"You don't mind?"
Mary Lynn shook her head. "Not really. Not if it's just you and not all
your friends too." Then she grinned. "Besides, turnabout's fair play. You
saw me, now I get to see you, too."
Opie shrugged. He stood up and kicked off his shoes, and pulled off his
tee-shirt. He started to unfasten his jeans, then looked back at Mary
Mary Lynn nodded.
Opie dropped his pants, then reached up and tugged down his undershorts.
His raging hard-on had diminished when he was discovered. He was happy to
remember that he had grown some fuzzy, red hair over his penis during the
He stood up, briefly letting her get a look, then jumped feet first into
Mary Lynn bobbed over toward him. "So that's what those things look like
in person," she smiled.
"Oh. What do you mean 'in person'?"
"Remember when Miss Crump took all the girls in one room, and Coach Barnes
took all the boys in another room?"
"Yeah. He showed us a movie about reproduction."
"We saw a movie, too. Then Miss Crump showed us a picture of that statue
of David, without a fig leaf in front of it."
"I've only seen pictures too," Opie said, blushing. "Of girls, I mean."
His mind raced to the magazines Barney used to keep rolled up behind the
toilet tank in the bathroom at the courthouse.
Mary Lynn's head ducked under water. Opie glanced around, looking for her
swimming somewhere, but she reappeared right where she had gone under.
Mary Lynn brushed her hair back out of her face.
"Where'd you go?" Opie asked.
"I tried to get another look," she smiled back at him. "But it's too dark
Opie nodded. "You wanna go up under those trees and ..."
"Both of us?" she asked.
"You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"Of course not... if you won't."
"Okay." Mary Lynn started dog-paddling toward the trees.
Opie followed, lagging back a little bit, admiring the glimpse of her bare
bottom as she swam ahead of him.
Mary Lynn climbed out of the water, and as Opie watched her butt jiggle,
she headed for the shade of the old elm near the waterside. She sat beside
the trunk of the tree, her legs primly tucked together under her.
Opie climbed out, and strode quickly to the tree. He knelt down beside
her. The cold water and clinical talk had kept him from arousal, so his
flaccid penis lay against his thighs.
Mary Lynn leaned forward, curiously looking at his penis. "It's so...
different," she whispered. "It's much different than I imagined they would
She looked up at his face. "Can I touch it?"
Opie nodded, and swallowed, nervously.
Mary Lynn tenatively reached over and put her hand under his penis. It
jumped in her hand. She jerked her hand back.
"What'd you do?"
"Not my fault, honest," Opie said. "It happened all by itself!"
Mary Lynn reached out again and took his penis in her hand. Opie's cock
began to react, growing in her hand.
"Are you doing this on purpose? What's it doing?"
"They call it an erection, I think," Opie said, watching her face.
"Oh. Oh yeah, I remember." Fascinated, Mary Lynn watched Opie's penis
fill out to a full erection in her hand. "It's so big... Is that supposed
to fit inside a girl?"
"I guess so," Opie nodded. "That's what I've read, anyhow."
"Wow." Mary Lynn stroked Opie's penis, and Opie moaned.
"Does that hurt?" she asked.
"No, it feels ... good." Opie straightened up. "Now it's my turn," he
Mary Lynn looked up. "Your turn?"
"I'd like to see you... to touch you."
"Oh." Mary Lynn blushed. She sat back, reluctantly releasing his penis.
She shook her hair back behind her shoulders, and threw her chest out,
accentuating her small, pert breasts.
Opie reached out, cupping one breast in each hand. Her hard nipples
pressed against the palms of his hands. He moved his hands down, catching
her nipples between his fingers.
Mary Lynn closed her eyes and moaned softly. "I feel like electricity's
flowing down my body," she whispered.
"What about down there," Opie whispered back. "Can I see down there?"
Mary Lynn nodded. She leaned her shoulder against the tree trunk, and let
her legs out from under her. She rolled over so that her back was against
the tree. Her legs were still together, but Opie could now see the sparse
black curls that barely covered the nexus of her groin.
He started to reach over to touch, and stopped. "May I?" he asked.
Mary Lynn nodded.
Opie put his fingers on her pubic hair, marvelling at the stiffness of the
small curls. He touched skin, and could feel the mounds surrounding the
Mary Lynn moaned, and he stopped, looking back at her face. Her eyes were
closed, a faint smile on her face.
His middle finger followed the cleft, sliding down between her legs. He
felt moisture; a different wet than their still-damp skins. This wet was
warm, and slippery.
Mary Lynn lifted her knees slightly, and her legs opened just a bit. Opie
slid another finger beside the first one, feeling her closed lower lips. He
slid his fingers back up.
Mary Lynn gasped as his fingers slid over her clit. Opie almost jerked his
hand away, but Mary Lynn reached down and held his hand still.
"Right there," she whispered, huskily. "Touch me right there."
Opie began to move his middle finger in a small circle over the designated
spot. He felt a small nub under his finger, and leaned forward to look
Mary Lynn opened her legs a little wider, and he was able to see better
now. A trickle of moisture exuded from between the closed lips; and now he
could see those lips swelling, opening just slightly, just like a rosebud.
"Mmmmm," Mary Lynn moaned. "Oh, Opie, that feels so good..."
Opie watched interestedly as she rocked her knees back and forth, as he
continued to stroke her clit. Suddenly, she stopped, and clamped her legs
together. Her entire body shivered, and she gasped.
"Are you all right?"
"Oh!" Mary Lynn breathed, finally. "Oh, my! Yeah, I'm fine, Opie.
Wonderful, in fact." She sat up and held his hand, gazing into his eyes
for a moment, before she kissed his lips.
Opie kissed back, the way he had seen in the movies, his mouth closed.
Mary Lynn broke the kiss and sat back, looking at him. "Let me make you
feel that good," she said.
She pushed him back against the tree trunk. She knelt between his legs,
and began to stroke his penis with both hands, slowly and gently, using her
thumbs to stroke his rapidly-expanding cockhead, until his body tensed.
"Oh, God!" Opie gasped.
His penis seemed to explode. Large white globs shot from the end of his
cock, to Mary Lynn's surprise and delight. They landed wetly on Opie's
stomach and chest.
"That feel good?" Mary Lynn asked.
"Real good," Opie nodded.
"It looks like it felt good. I wish I could do that. I just get wet."
"You've done it before?"
"Only by myself. I've never had help before." Mary Lynn reached over and
picked up some leaves, and wiped the globs of semen off of Opie's chest and
Opie looked up at the sky.
"I'm gonna have to get home," he said. "It's getting late, and there's a
wedding rehearsal after supper."
Mary Lynn nodded. "That's right. Your dad's marrying Miss Crump, isn't
"Yeah, and if I'm late for supper, Aunt Bee'll skin me."
"You wanna meet me here again tomorrow?" Mary Lynn murmured, a little grin
on her face.
"That sounds real good." Opie leaned forward and kissed her again. This
time, he felt her lips open, and her tongue touched his lips. His tongue
slipped out and just touched hers. It felt almost like electicity passing
They scrambled to their feet, and went to their respective piles of
clothing, and began to get dressed. When they had their clothing back on,
Opie called, "Tomorrow, then!"
Mary Lynn waved. "Tomorrow!" She headed the other direction down the
gravel road toward her house. Opie watched for a moment, then turned
Barney nervously glanced at his watch. He unlocked the door to let another
last-minute customer out. The tellers were clearing their drawers, taking
them to the counting room.
He nervously bit at his fingernails as they carried the last boxes and
drawers into the vault, and fiddled with his keys as the manager closed the
vault door and spun the lock.
Barney let the tellers out, and waited for the Manager, who was shuffling
some papers on his desk.
Barney cleared his throat. The manager looked up.
"I'll be a little longer, Fife. You can go."
"Thanks." Barney said, and headed for the door. He dropped his keys --
twice -- before he was able to get the right one in the lock. He let
himself out and locked the door behind him.
He almost ran back to the "Y", his holster patting his leg with each
hurried step. He couldn't wait for the elevator, and ran up the steps two
at a time to the third floor.
He opened his door, and breathlessly went inside. He took down his good
charcoal houndstooth suit, and undressed hurredly.
In his underwear, he suddenly remembered, and went to his dresser. He
pulled out the top drawer, and set it on his bed. On the back was taped a
He pulled off the envelope, and tore it open. He pulled off the seven
rubber bands that surrounded the paper-covered bundle. He unwrapped the
paper, and pulled out the MasterCharge card that the bank had insisted he
apply for when he started working for them.
He checked the expiration date to make sure it was still good. It was.
He dressed hurredly, putting the MasterCharge card in his slim wallet. He
stuffed a few clothes into his battered suitcase: a pair of pajamas, a
change of underwear and socks, a spare pair of trousers. He gathered up
his shaving kit and put it into the bag.
Then he hurried out, heading for the Hotel.
The sun began to set in Mayberry, the shadows lengthening as Opie Taylor
walked up the long drive to the house.
"Is that you, Opie?" Aunt Bee's voice drifted from the kitchen as he closed
the front door.
"Sure is, Aunt Bee. Gee, it smells good in here."
Opie followed his nose to the kitchen, where Aunt Bee was tending a skillet
full of frying chicken. He kissed her cheek, and she smiled lovingly.
"It's about time for Pa to get home," Opie said.
"Set the table for me, Opie." Aunt Bee pointed with her serving fork.
Opie nodded. He got some plates from the cabinet and began work at the
They both heard the gravel crunch as the patrol car pulled up in the
"Pa's home." Opie said.
"Chicken's done," Aunt Bee grinned at him.
"Boy, I tell you, it smells awful goo-ood in here," said Andy, pushing open
the back door.
"Let's eat," Aunt Bee smiled.
Goober Pyle pulled his tow-truck into the airport loading zone. A tall
figure was standing facing the terminal, talking to one of the skycaps. He
was dressed in Marine khakis.
Goober pressed the horn on the wheel, and the Marine turned. A wide grin
broke across his face.
"Hey, Goober!" he shouted.
"Hey, Gomer!" Goober shouted back.
Gomer Pyle picked up his duffel and garment bags and stepped up to the
truck. He tossed the duffel on the back of the truck.
"Better tie it down," Goober said, handing him a couple of bungee cords.
Gomer tied down the bag. He opened the door to the truck, and put his
garment bag inside. "Dress uniform," he said, as he climbed into the
Goober put the truck in gear. "We'd better hurry. The wedding rehearsal
is tonight." He started out the drive, and turned to grin at his cousin.
"Judy-Judy-Judy," he said, "'member that?"
Gomer nodded. "Cary Grant. You always could do him good."
Barney glanced around the lobby as he entered the front doors. He didn't
see Thelma Lou, and breathed a sigh of relief. He strode up to the desk
and asked for a room.
"Single or Double?" the desk clerk asked.
"S-s-single." Barney stammered.
The desk clerk squinted at him. "Single. Of course." He checked his rack
of keys. "I have a room available. Form of payment?"
Barney handed over his MasterCard. The clerk picked up the telephone. "One
moment, sir." He dialed a number, then turned his back on Barney as he
mumbled into the receiver.
Barney drummed his fingers on the counter.
The desk clerk turned back around and smiled. "Very good, sir." He
embossed Barney's card on a blank credit slip. "Your signature, please."
Barney signed the form.
The clerk handed him a key, and rang a bell. A bellboy, a teenager with a
Beatle haircut appeared. "Take this gentleman up to 327."
The bellboy nodded. He grabbed for Barney's bag, but Barney slapped his
"I'll carry it," Barney muttered, thinking about how light it felt.
The bellboy nodded, and led Barney to the elevator.
Andy stepped up on the porch of Helen's house, and walked up to the front
door. He looked through the screen door through the open door, and called,
"Helen, are you ready?"
"Just a minute, Andy," Helen called back.
She soon appeared, pushing a lock of hair back on her face. She opened the
screen door, and Andy scooped her up in his arms.
Their lips met, a warm kiss shared between them. Helen's lips parted,
Andy's tongue slipping between them, touching the tip of her tongue, which
pressed back against his.
"Mmmmmpht" Helen moaned, breaking the kiss. "We'll be late for the
Andy escorted her to the car, opening the passenger side door of the squad
car. She climbed in, and he closed the door, then jogged around the front
of the car and slid into the driver's seat. He pulled the car out of her
drive onto the street.
He turned and grinned at her. "Lights and siren?"
Helen shook her head, smiling. "We're not that late."
The squad car pulled slowly down the street, as Helen moved over on the
front seat to lay her head on Andy's shoulder.
Barney adjusted his tie in the glass door outside the restaurant, then
glanced at his watch again. He turned again to scan the lobby nervously,
then turned his attention to the front door of the hotel.
The elevator door opened quietly behind him.
The hand on his shoulder startled him. He jumped and spun, warily.
Thelma Lou laughed. "Same old Barney."
"Never sneak up on me, Thelma Lou. My hands are registered as lethal
Thelma Lou smiled and nodded. "I've been looking forward to dinner,
"I have, too." Barney mumbled. He extended his elbow, and Thelma Lou took
his arm. They walked into the restaurant.
The wedding rehearsal was running smoothly. Opie stood beside his father
as best man, Helen walked up the aisle with her father, who had come in
from Asheville for the occasion.
"Now, at this point," the pastor said, glancing at a small notepad, we
would have a song..."
"I love you truly..." a deep baritone voice sang from the balcony. Andy
turned around and looked up. Standing in the balcony was Gomer Pyle.
Gomer continued to sing, but raised his hand in a friendly wave.
The pastor nodded as Gomer finished his song. He looked up into the
balcony and said, "Good to have you home, Gomer. We've missed that voice
in the choir."
The pastor turned back to his notes. "Then we have the vows. Do you want
to go through them?"
Andy gazed into Helen's eyes as he said, "I have them memorized, Bill."
"Then I think we're finished with the rehearsal." The pastor closed his
"Don't we get to close with a kiss?" Andy asked.
The pastor smiled. "I don't get to tell you to kiss until the real
ceremony," he said. Then lowering his voice, he said, "but it won't hurt
Andy grinned, then gathered up Helen in his arms for a long smooch.
"Ahem," said the pastor after a moment, "A-HEM!"
Helen was blushing as they broke the kiss.
"Wow!" Opie muttered.
Barney and Thelma Lou ate quietly, Barney glancing up every once in a
while, to see Thelma Lou gazing thoughtfully at him.. He would smile, and
turn nervously back to his meal.
As they finished, Barney leaned back in his chair.
Thelma Lou reached over and grabbed his hand. She leaned forward and
whispered, "Now, how about dessert?"
Barney shook his head. "I'm stuffed."
She squeezed his hand as she smiled, and said, "I wasn't talking about
Barney gulped, nervously.
Andy drove Helen back to her house. He jumped out of his side of the car,
and walked around to open her door. She stood up, and he wrapped his arms
"Now that we've rehearsed the wedding, can we rehearse the wedding night?"
Helen feigned shock. "Andy!" she said softly. Then she smiled, and batted
her eyes. "Why, what would the neighbors think?"
"They'd be jealous," Andy grinned back, pulling her close.
He kissed her, the kiss becoming more passionate, their tongues trying to
Helen broke the kiss. "If we go much further, we'd better go inside," she
whispered. "We don't want to create a public spectacle."
Andy closed the car door, and they walked together to Helen's front door,
and on inside.
Barney led Thelma Lou to his hotel room door. He fumbled in his pocket a
moment for his key, dropped it twice on the floor, and finally inserted it
into the door.
He turned the key, but the door didn't open.
He shook the key in the slot, and turned it again. The door still didn't
Thelma Lou reached down and turned the doorknob.
The door swung open.
Thelma Lou glanced up at him with a soft smile, and walked into the room.
Barney tried to pull out the key, then turned it in the lock, and pulled it
out. He followed Thelma Lou into the room, and closed the door.
In the dim light coming in through the window, he reached for the light
switch. He felt Thelma Lou's warm hand close over his, stopping him.
"No," she whispered. "Leave it off."
Her breath was warm on his cheek; she was standing very close to him. He
could feel the warmth of her body -- then she pressed close to him,
wrapping her arms around his thin frame.
Nervously, he returned her embrace. Their lips sought each other, and
locked into a deep kiss, Thelma Lou's tongue forcing its way into Barney's
Barney could feel the soft flesh of her breasts pressed into his chest, her
hips pressing forward against his enlarging penis.
He started to turn, to hold his hard-on away from her, but she gripped him
tighter, pressing her hips harder against him.
She broke the kiss, finally, and whispered in his ear, "Oh, Barney, I've
waited so long..."
Thelma Lou kissed his neck, and placed a hand against Barney's chest,
pushing herself back. She quickly unbuttoned the front of her dress,
slipping it down over her shoulders so that it dropped to the floor.
In the dim light, Barney could see that she was wearing a bra and a
half-slip. He felt his penis surge, pushing hard against his pants.
With a small smile, she reached behind her and unhooked her bra, and
shrugged out of it, freeing her smallish, white breasts.
She reached forward, and unbuttoned Barney's shirt, slipping her hands
inside to stroke his smooth chest. She kissed his lips again, her tongue
tracing the roof of his mouth.
Barney's hands found her nipples, taking each one between a thumb and
forefinger, they became hard as pencil erasers under his touch.
She pushed back again, and whispered, "Take it off, Barney, take it all
He started fumbling with his clothing, taking off his jacket and shirt. He
glanced up to see Thelma Lou step back and turn around, slowly pushing her
slip and panties down over her smooth, white backside.
He paused in his undressing as he saw the cleft of her ass. She kicked her
feet out of her clothes and shoes, and turned, completely naked in front of
With renewed ferver and nervousness, Barney pulled off his pants and shoes,
then his undershorts.
Thelma Lou stepped up and wrapped her fingers around his upright cock. "Oh,
my!" she whispered, directly into his ear. "Is this all for me?"
He pulled her close and savored the touch of her naked skin against his;
how warm, how smooth, how soft...
Her arms wrapped around him; she pressed her body against his, his hard
penis and her soft breasts squeezed between their bodies.
Barney began edging toward the bed, not wishing to break the contact
between their bodies.
Helen sat on the edge of the bed. Andy stood in front of her. She reached
forward, and grabbed his belt. She pulled him forward, and he bent down to
kiss her upturned face.
She began to unfasten his belt, then his trousers. They fell to the floor,
revealing his white boxer shorts. She fished inside the opening, freeing
his penis. She wrapped her fingers around it, squeezing it gently as she
used her thumbs to caress the dark, purple head.
Andy moaned as Helen leaned forward, extending her tongue to touch the tip
of his cock.
Her thumbs moved aside as Helen slid her lips over the cockhead, her tongue
swirling around his mushroom-shaped glans.
Andy's fingers pushed into her hair, caressing her scalp, as Helen's mouth
worked its wonders on his penis. He felt a tension building within his
loins, and reluctantly pushed her head back gently.
She looked up at his face and smiled softly. Andy bent down and kissed her
lips tenderly, while he pushed back on her shoulders.
Helen lay back on the bed.
Andy gently unbuttoned her dress front, opening it up to reveal the pink
lace of her slip and bra. Helen shifted from side to side, pulling her
arms out of the sleeves.
Andy fumbled with the strap of her slip, but Helen whispered, "Here, let
She pushed him back, and stood up. She pulled the slip up and over her
head. Then she turned her back on Andy.
Andy reached up and unhooked her bra. It collapsed forward, and Helen held
it over her breasts as she turned around. She smiled shyly, then let the
bra fall away. Her pink-tipped breasts swung free, jiggling slightly.
Andy leaned forward and kissed her lips again.
Helen pressed herself against him, her hands clasping at his back, her hips
pressing against Andy's hard-on.
"Oh, Andy," she whispered, "I love you."
"And I love you," he whispered back.
Helen sat back down on the edge of the bed, and Andy pulled off his
remaining clothing. He knelt down on the floor beside the bed, and leaned
forward, taking one pink nipple, then the other, between his lips, tickling
the tips with his tongue. His hands slid down her back, to the waistband
of her pink panties.
He pushed them down over her hips, and she shifted again from side to side,
as he worked them under her, then off her legs.
Andy gently pushed her backwards, and she lay on her back on the bed. Andy
put a hand on each of her knees, and pushed them apart, revealing the wet,
pink slit of her vulva.
He bent down and ran his tongue around her nether lips, breathing the musky
scent of her ripeness. His tongue found the swelling of her clit, and she
gasped softly as he ran his tongue over and around the sensitive organ.
With one hand, he reached up under his chin, and pressed a fingertip at the
entrance to her pussy. It slid in easily, her excitement and readiness for
sexual joining evident by her wetness.
"Oh, gosh..." she gasped. "Andy -- oh!"
She began to quiver, as Andy's finger worked its way in and out of her
slippery love-hole, and his tongue worked over her clit.
Andy felt her breathing increase, then her legs squeezed his head. He
slowed his tongue movements, to delay -- ever so slightly -- the onset of
He pulled back as her legs released their grasp. He rose up, and climbed
onto the bed, Helen rolling over beside him. Their legs tangled as his
lips sought hers, their bodies pressing together, continually moving until
Andy was lying between her thighs, his penis at the very entrance to her
He raised his head slightly, watching her face as he pressed his hips
forward, sliding his cock gently into her waiting pussy.
Her face registered surprise at the feel of his good-sized cock inside her.
"Ooooohhhh," she sighed. "Yes, I think I can live with this for a looong
Barney and Thelma Lou rolled over on the bed. Thelma Lou ended up on top,
and she pushed herself up by putting her hands on Barney's shoulders.
She gathered her legs under her, straddling his belly.
"Pin!" she smiled.
"I give," Barney smiled back. He reached up and stroked her nipples with
his fingertips. She leaned back, thrusting her chest forward to let him
have a better touch.
Then she leaned forward, and slid her hips down his body, until the knobbed
tip of his cock touched the entrance to her tunnel of love.
"Mmmmmm," Barney moaned, struggling to push his hips up. Thelma Lou's
weight was on his hips, though, so he could not move.
"Say please," Thelma Lou teased.
"P-p-please," Barney whispered.
With a single motion, she slid down over his cock, taking its full length
inside her. She squeezed with her vagainal muscles around the base of his
penis, holding him inside her.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the full feeling having his penis inside her.
Barney was breathing heavily. She looked down into his face; his eyes were
closed, a broad smile on his thin face.
Thelma Lou began to move her hips slowly, moving his penis in and out of
her wet love-hole, as Barney breathed heavier and heavier. Then she heard
him hold his breath.
She stopped moving, trying to hold him at the verge of orgasm.
Barney breathed again, without shooting his wad. Thelma Lou began moving
again, rubbing her clit against the base of his cock on each small stroke.
She felt herself nearing the big 'o', so she slowed her movements
up-and-down, and concentrated on the little circles.
Barney held his breath again.
Almost... yes... almost there... just... yes.... Thelma Lou's movement
slowed to a mere quiver.
Thelma Lou felt herself shake, as the vibrations began deep inside her. Her
vagina clamped down around Barney's penis, which began to jerk and explode
They climaxed together, clasping their bodies together, collapsing together
into a mass of melted jell-o.
Opie glanced into his father's bedroom. "Pa?"
The sheriff still hadn't come home from the rehearsal. Opie slipped into
the room, heading for the bottom right drawer of Andy's dresser. He pulled
the drawer out, and looked under the black sock in the back of the drawer.
There was a slim, green-covered book. Opie pulled it out, replaced the
socks, closed the drawer quietly, and went back to his room.
Andy lay in Helen's bed, his arm around Helen's naked body, her head
resting on his chest.
"Strange," he thought, "what memories flood back at you, and when they
happen to do it."
He had been thinking about other nights, other women, comparing the
He thought about those hot summer nights years back with Ellie Walker, the
head-jobs she performed so expertly in the back of the squad car. He
thought of that little Darling girl, who lured him out to the barn and gave
him a literal roll in the hay. He thought of Juanita, who -- in her
desparation after Barney moved away -- had tried to fuck him in the kitchen
of the Diner.
And he thought about his first wife -- Opie's Ma.
None of his memories was as sweet as this night, lying here with the woman
he'd spend the rest of his life with.
Helen moaned softly, shifting position.
He patted her head, and kissed her forehead softly. "Yes indeed," he
thought, "the rest of my life."
Opie pulled his covers over his head and turned on the flashlight. He held
it shining on the cover of the green book. "Sex Manual" it read in tiny
He turned the pages, looking at the simple line drawings of male and female
anatomy, reading the description of "sexual congress".
"Gee," Opie mumbled, "And I thought politics was boring!"
Andy got out of bed, reluctantly. He felt around on the floor for his
clothes in the dark, and started putting them on.
Helen rolled over on the bed. "Andy?"
She reached over and turned on the bedside lamp.
"Where are you going?"
"I've got to go home," Andy said, softly. He sat on the edge of the bed to
pull on his socks and shoes. Helen sat up, the covers falling away from
her soft white breasts.
"You sure you don't want to stay?"
"I WANT to stay," Andy grinned. "But Aunt Bee is probably waiting up for
me. We're not married yet." He leaned over and kissed her.
Barney lay awake in the dark, Thelma Lou cuddled up against his side, one
of her legs bent at the knee over his leg. She snored softly.
His thoughts were as dark as the night.
He WANTED to stay here in this moment forever. He loved Thelma Lou with
all his heart, but he just did not feel worthy of her. He had to face the
truth, he was just a security guard in a one-branch bank. Before he could
marry Thelma Lou, he wanted to BE somebody. She deserved that.
A tear formed in his eye, and he brushed it away. "Oh Thelma Lou," he
thought, "why did you have to come back to me now?"
Andy turned off the headlights as he turned into the driveway. No point in
waking Aunt Bee if he could help it.
A dark shape moved across the driveway ahead of him. He flashed the lights
back on and slammed on the brakes.
Standing, grinning, in the beams of his lights, was Ernest T. Bass. Andy
could swear he saw Ernest T.'s eyes gleam in the light like a deer's.
He put the car in "park" and opened the door.
"Ernest T.," he shouted, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"You're out really late, Sheriff," Ernest T. grinned back at him. "Been
out with your sweetie?"
"That's not the point, Ernest T.." Andy got out of the car and walked up
to him. "I asked you what you were doing here."
"I wanted to know what song you wanted me to sing at your wedding."
Andy scowled. "Ernest T., Gomer's going to be singing at the wedding."
"I could sing, too," Ernest T. whimpered. "No harm in having two singers.
Besides, I still have lots of rocks."
"All right, Ernest T.," Andy scowled. "Tell you what. Let's talk to Gomer
in the morning. Maybe we can work something out."
"Hoo-ray!" Ernest T. shouted. "I'm gonna sing at your wedding!"
"Keep it down, Ernest T.," Andy shushed him. "It's late."
"Oooh, yeah," Ernest T. said, quietly. He started walking out the
driveway. When he had walked past the patrol car, he turned back to Andy.
"Oh, Sheriff," he said, grinning. "Can I sing at your wedding nekkid?"
Andy ran after him, but Ernest T. skipped on out to the road, cackling.
Andy got back into the car and drove on to the house. He went in the back
door quietly, shutting the door softly behind him.
"Andy, is that you?" Aunt Bee's voice came from the living room.
"Yes, Aunt Bee."
"Who were you talking to out there, making all that noise?"
"Ernest T. Bass," Andy said, walking into the living room.
Aunt Bee was sitting in her rocking chair. Andy turned on a lamp. "Have
you been waiting up for me?"
"No...." Aunt Bee blinked, then smiled shyly. "Well, yes. I wanted to
talk to you about ... things."
"What kind of things?" Andy sat on the sofa, leaning forward, his elbows
on his knees, his hands clasped in front of him.
"Well... After you and Helen get married, it seems to me that I'd be like
a fifth wheel around here. You know -- two women in a kitchen is one too
Andy nodded. "I understand."
"You know your cousin Sam -- Sam Jones?"
"He's asked if I could look after his son -- you know his wife died a
couple of months ago -- as sort of a part-time housekeeper."
"Sure. I don't want to leave you all alone either."
Andy took a deep breath. "Aunt Bee, I've been wanting to talk to you about
this." He breathed deeply again, sighing out the exhale. "Helen's been
offered this new teaching job."
"That's wonderful, Andy." Aunt Bee beamed, then suddenly frowned. "You
don't want her to work?"
"It's not that. The job's not in Mayberry."
"I've been thinking, too. Do I want to be Sheriff here forever myself? I
have to answer that I'm not sure."
"Andy, you do what you think is best. Don't worry about me. If you need
to move away from Mayberry, I'm sure Sam will let me move in full time."
The clock chimed on the mantlepiece. Aunt Bee looked up. "Heavens, it's
three in the morning. I'd better get off to bed before I have to get up."
"Sleep late in the morning," Andy grinned at her.
She shook her head. "You know I can't sleep after the sun comes up."
Andy chuckled, as Aunt Bee climbed the stairs. "G'night Aunt Bee."
"Good night, Andy."
The morning sun filtered through the trees on the ridge, and through the
windows in Opie's room, one particular beam shining directly in the
sleeping boy's eyes.
Opie frowned, squinted, and suddenly sat up -- wide awake. It's daytime!
He climbed out of bed and pulled on fresh clothing, then headed for the
bathroom, where he washed his face and brushed his hair.
He heard Aunt Bee in the kitchen already, so he went downstairs for
The morning sun was also filtering in the hotel room windows in Raleigh.
Barney shielded his eyes with his free hand, and Thelma Lou stirred under
his other arm.
"'Morning," Thelma Lou whispered.
"'Morning," Barney replied.
"You know what I've always wanted to do?" Thelma Lou smiled up at him.
"No, what's that?"
"I've always wanted to wake up with a former deputy sheriff in my bed, and
screw his brains out before breakfast."
"Oh." Barney said, "Oh!"
Thelma Lou's smile broadened. She reached down and took Barney's penis in
her hand. It was already half-erect; and was rapidly increasing in
"Looks like you like the idea," she grinned.
The busy-body morning sun streaked through the windows of the apartment
over the garage at Wally's filling station, poking at the eyes of Goober
"MMmmmmph!" he moaned, rolling over.
A hand reached over, touching Goober's penis. The organ was hard -- a
"Gol-lee," Gomer said. "Feels like you're ready for another round."
Goober grinned. "Good to have you home again, Gome."
"Slow down," Aunt Bee cautioned. "You eat like that, you'll get sick."
Opie slowed down -- just a bit.
"Are you in some kind of hurry this morning?" Aunt Bee asked.
Opie nodded, his mouth full.
Andy stepped into the kitchen, in his Sheriff's uniform. "Hi, Ope," he
said, rubbing his son's hair. He slid up beside Aunt Bee, and pecked her
cheek. She turned, and handed him a plate, full of breakfast goodies --
fried eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy.
"Mmmm-mmmm," Andy licked his lips.
Opie bolted down the last of his milk. "Bye, Pa." He got up from the
table and made for the door.
"What's your hurry?" Andy asked, but Opie was already gone.
"He's been like that all morning," Aunt Bee smiled, pouring Andy a cup of
Opie ran up to his room, grabbed the green-covered book, and wrapped it in
a Captain Marvel comic. He rolled it up and stuck it in his back pocket,
and dashed down the stairs and out the front door, heading for the swimming
Thelma Lou straddled Barney's hips, impaled on his long, thin cock. She
moved slowly, up and down, using her legs for leverage, her hands resting
on her thighs.
Barney's hands were on her smallish breasts, pinching the taut nipples,
massaging the soft tissue.
Thelma Lou threw her head back, and gasped, "Oh gosh...!"
Her pussy clamped around Barney's penis as she climaxed, the vibrations
from her abdomen shaking her body.
She collapsed forward, and Barney embraced her, holding her tightly, as he
rolled them both over, so that Thelma Lou was on her back. She wrapped her
legs around his hips, holding him still inside her as her body still felt
the contractions of her orgasm.
As the shuddering subsided, Thelma Lou relaxed her hold on Barney, so that
he was able to begin long, slow pelvic thrusts, pushing his hard rod deeply
He was able to hold back no more; he exploded inside her, pushing deeply
inside as he ejaculated.
Thelma Lou clung tightly to him as he lay over her, then rolled them both
over to their sides, still joined at the crotch.
It took several minutes for them to catch their breath.
Opie hurried along the dirt road.
As he neared the swimming hole, he listened carefully. He heard splashing,
then distinctively male voices.
"Oh, sh... drat!" he muttered.
He walked through the tall grass and into the trees that surrounded and
shaded the swimming hole. There were three boys in the water, who turned
and greeted him.
"Hey, Henry. Hey, Donny. Hey, Anson." Opie waved.
"You coming swimming?"
"Nah," Opie shook his head. "I was just passing by and heard you in here."
"Aw, come on," Henry stood up in the water. "C'mon in."
"I got things to do," Opie said. "Maybe later."
He walked around the pool of water, and headed for the road on the other
"I hope I'll catch Mary Lynn before she gets to the swimmin' hole," Opie
muttered to himself as he walked down the dirt road.
Andy whistled as he parked the squad car in front of the courthouse. He
got out of the car and walked around the front, heading for the courthouse
He looked down at his keyring, searching for the door key, when his eyes
were covered from behind.
"Guess who?" a female voice said, softly.
"Hang on just a minute," Andy said, thinking. He had smelled that cologne
before... it was right at the end of his tongue....
"Ellie?" he asked.
"See?" she said. "I told you he'd guess."
She removed her hands from his eyes, and he turned. It WAS Ellie Walker,
the former druggist -- and girlfriend.
"Ellie, what are you doing back in town?"
"You think you could get married without me knowing about it?" She grinned
"I was just thinking about you last night," Andy said.
"Something about squad cars, I'll bet," Ellie whispered.
"I thought so," Ellie whispered, then in her full voice, she said "I think
you should meet Joey."
A man stepped up beside Ellie and extended his hand. Andy shook it.
"Joey Branch," the fellow said. "I'm Ellie's husband."
Andy shook his hand harder. "Pleased to meet you," he grinned. "You want
to come in and set a spell?"
"No, we've got people to see and places to go," Ellie smiled.
"Come back and see us then," Andy said.
"At the wedding if not before," Ellie nodded. They turned and walked
hand-in-hand down the street.
Andy watched them for a moment, then unlocked the door to the courthouse,
and stepped into the cool darkness inside.
Opie's heart skipped a beat as he rounded a bend in the road, and spotted
Mary Lynn heading in his direction. He saw her lift her head, and she saw
him and waved.
As they got closer, Opie said, "There's a bunch of guys at the swimmin'
Mary Lynn cocked her head. "That presents some interesting possibilities,"
"I thought it was just you and me," Opie gulped.
Mary Lynn smiled at him. "It was just a thought. If we don't go there,
where could we go?"
"I think I know a place," Opie said. He reached out and took Mary Lynn's
hand. She allowed him to hold it, as they walked together back towards the
Andy leaned back in the chair, and put his hands behind his head.
When the front door opened suddenly, he nearly fell out of the chair.
"Ernest T.!" he gasped.
"It's me it's me, It's Ernest T.!" Ernest T. giggled. "And I'm a-gonna
sing at your weddin'!"
Ernest T. slammed the door. Andy heard his high-pitched giggle as he ran
down the street.
Goober rolled over on the bed, and held his ass high. "Your turn now,
Gomer moved up behind him, his long, slim cock rock-hard, and poised at the
opening to Goober's rectum. "Like they say," he grinned, "we're always
looking for a few good men."
Goober gasped as Gomer's penis entered his asshole, pressing against his
A shadow passed by the window.
"What was that?" Goober gasped.
"Just my cock," Gomer said. "Nothing more."
"No... outside the window?"
"Goober, we're on the second floor. Who could be outside the window?"
Gomer withdrew his cock from Goober's asshole, and climbed off the bed. He
walked over to the window and looked out. "I don't see any...."
Gomer suddenly threw the window open. "I see you, Ernest T. Bass!"
"Hee hee hee" Ernest T. giggled, sitting on a branch of a tree outside the
window. "And I see you too, Mr. Gomer Pyle. And I seen Goober, too."
"So you're gonna let me sing at Sheriff Taylor's weddin', or I'm gonna tell
ever'body in town that you two is queer."
Gomer closed his eyes and sighed. "All right, Ernest T., get your ass in
"Not yet," Ernest T. giggled.
"What do you mean 'not yet'?"
"Not till you put that weapon away," Ernest T. giggled, pointing at Gomer's
Gomer looked down, then fished around on the floor for his trousers. He
slipped them on, and zipped them up.
"NOW get your ass in here!"
"All right." Ernest T. shimmied down the tree. He muttered, "Mr. Gomer
Queer... Mr. Gomer Pyle of shit..."
"I heard that," Gomer hollered down at him.
Ernest T. winced.
Opie and Mary Lynn moved between the trees, deeper into the woods. There
ahead of them were three trees, closely spaced. As she looked closer, Mary
Lynn could see that on the other side of the trees, some boards had been
nailed to the tree, to form a makeshift ladder.
She looked further up, and about twenty feet above the ground, she saw two
wooden platforms, with tattered, grey blankets hung between them as walls.
"It's my treehouse," Opie said, proudly. "I built it a couple of years
Mary Lynn smiled. "Just right," she said.
Opie climbed up first, and brushed away some spider's webs and dust. He
propped open a hinged door in the roof, which formed a 'skylight', letting
air and light inside the blanket-covered walls. Then he pulled the
comic-covered book out of his pocket and tossed it inside. He climbed back
down and helped Mary Lynn climb up.
As he followed Mary Lynn up the ladder, he couldn't help but look up
between Mary Lynn's shorts-clad legs, remembering the treasures that lay
under that thin fabric. He felt a familiar bulge begin to build in his own
The treehouse was more sturdy -- and larger -- than it looked. On the
inside, the seemingly thin walls of old army blankets were reinforced with
boards nailed to the trees.
"We used to play war out here," Opie explained. "Some of the guys almost
fell out before we put the boards up. And they deflect dirt clods, too."
"We weren't allowed to throw rocks."
They sat together on the floor of the treehouse, just looking at each other
for a long, silent moment.
Finally, Mary Lynn leaned forward, and kissed Opie's lips. He felt her
tongue press against his mouth, and parted his lips. Their tongues met, an
electricity flowing between them.
Opie broke the kiss after a moment, and said, "How come they don't kiss
like that in the movies?"
"They do," Mary Lynn grinned. "It all depends on what seat you're in."
She laughed at the puzzled look on his face. "It's a joke. Some people
kiss in the movie theater."
"Oh. Yeah. I knew that." Opie blushed.
Thelma Lou had dozed off. She snored softly in Barney's ear.
Barney felt his flaccid penis slide out of Thelma Lou's soaked and slippery
He lay still, holding her close, but his mind was racing. Did he really
deserve her? Could he actually propose to her?
He closed his eyes, and caught himself before he moaned. So many things to
"Can't we get a little more comfortable?" Mary Lynn asked.
Opie nodded. They moved over the small floor to lean up against one of the
three trees that supported the treehouse.
Opie sat with his back against the tree, and Mary Lynn sat in front of him,
leaning back against him. Mary Lynn grabbed his hands, and placed them on
He took the none-too-subtle hint, and began to massage her breasts, paying
special attention to her hardening nipples. She had worn no bra today,
just a tee-shirt over her shorts.
She tilted her head back, and Opie kissed her -- a little clumsily -- but
soon their tongues were sliding against each other as their breath
Mary Lynn broke the kisses, and leaned forward. She reached down and
grabbed the hem of her tee-shirt, and tugged it off over her head. Opie's
hands again found her now-naked breasts, and a soft moan escaped Mary
They kissed again. Opie slid a hand down Mary Lynn's belly, over her
shorts to her crotch. He could feel the heat of her excitement even
through the fabric.
He moved his hand back up to the button on her waistband, and fumbled with
it, one-handedly, until he felt Mary Lynn's hand push his away. Mary Lynn
unfastened the shorts herself. She grabbed his hand, and pushed it into
Opie could feel the soft curls of her pubic hair, and explored for the slit
below. He found her nether lips, and the little bulge of her clit. Mary
Lynn's sharp intake of breath told him he found the right spot.
Mary Lynn broke the kiss and whispered "Oh, Opie..."
Ernest T.'s eyes widened. "You wouldn't..."
"You bet I would," Gomer said, his eyes narrowing, a trick he had learned
in the Marines. "Now, sing it again -- the right way -- or I'll let Goober
"He's got the cutest little mouth," Goober chimed in.
Ernest T. visibly shuddered.
"I love you tru-ly," Ernest T. sang, waveringly. "Tru-ly, dear..."
"Louder," Gomer demanded. "Start over!"
"I love you tru-ly," Ernest T. sang, a little louder. "Tru-ly, dear..."
"Better," Gomer nodded. "But sing from the belly. Let's start again."
Mary Lynn stood up, and pushed her shorts over her hips, dropping them to
the floor. Opie smiled as he looked at her lovely body. She reached down
and took his hand, pulling him to his feet.
She pulled his shirt up, and Opie pulled it off over his head. She started
to unfasten his jeans, but he stepped back and unfastened them himself. He
kicked off the jeans, and stood before her, naked and protruding.
"Oh," she said, "it's already hard. I wanted to watch it get hard again."
Opie looked down. "I don't think I can get it down again too quick," he
Mary Lynn giggled. She picked up her clothes and tossed them over into the
corner. As she let go of her clothes, she said, "What's that?"
She stepped over to where she had just tossed her clothes, and picked up
the green-covered book.
"A sex manual?" she asked. "You brought a sex manual?"
Opie smiled shyly. "I was studyin' up."
Mary Lynn laughed. "Look at the copyright date on this thing! 1922!" She
thumbed through the book. "What did they know about sex in 1922? This is
the sixties. Make love not war!"
She tossed the book to the floor. "You want to learn about sex, Mr. Taylor?
Let me give you another lesson." She dropped down to the floor, spread her
legs wide, and leaned back, propping herself up against a tree trunk.
"C'mere." She gestured at him. "Kneel down here." She pointed between
Mary Lynn lifted her knees a bit, reached down between her legs, and spread
her pussy lips wide open. "This is my pussy," she said, "and this is my
clit. Put your tongue on this."
"Just do it."
Opie bent forward, extended his tongue, and touched the tip of his oral
organ to her love-bump. She tasted salty, but pleasant.
"Go ahead, Opie, lick me."
He rolled his tongue around and over her clit. She let go of her
pussy-lips, and put her hands on his head. She guided his movements, as
Opie was getting into the rhythm of giving her head.
Mary Lynn was getting into it, too. She started rocking her hips,
thrusting herself into Opie's mouth and jaw.
Suddenly, she held perfectly still. She held her breath.
Opie continued to roll his tongue over her clit.
Opie could feel her vibrate. She released his head, and he sat back,
watching her body quiver. She reached for his shoulders, and pulled him
over her, holding him tightly to her as her body shook.
His penis was rock-hard, pressed between their bodies uncomfortably. He
moved his hips slightly to ease the pressure.
"No," she whispered. "Not yet. Not now."
Opie was puzzled. What was she talking about?
Mary Lynn pushed at him, rolling them over on his back. She pushed his
legs apart, and knelt down between his legs.
She lifted his hard-on, and bent down, spreading her lips over his dripping
Opie moaned as she rolled her tongue around his cockhead. She began to
take more and more of his cock into her mouth, until he felt a strange
sensation -- a tightening -- in his chest.
He tried to push her head back -- away from his penis -- before he
exploded, but Mary Lynn hung on. Opie could hold back no more. He began
to spurt, and Mary Lynn kept her lips over the end of his cock, catching
every glob of his ejaculate in her mouth.
Satisfied that his spurting had stopped, she sat back on her heels, and
swallowed, a wide grin spreading across her face.
"That won't get you pregnant, will it?" Opie gasped.
"You really do need that book, don't you?" Mary Lynn grinned. She crawled
around to sit next to Opie, leaning back against the tree trunk, and took
his hand. She smiled at him, and said, "That stuff has to get in here,"
pointing at her crotch, "before I could get preggers."
"I knew that," Opie blushed.
"That's why we can't really screw until we get a profl... a prophy... a ...
"You do know what a rubber is, don't you?"
Opie shook his head.
"It's okay," she said, squeezing his hand. "I know where my Dad keeps 'em.
What do you say we meet back here this afternoon. I'll bring the rubber,
you bring a blanket."
"This floor is awfully hard, and rough."
"Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay."
Andy pushed open the door of the barbershop. Floyd was sitting in his
barber chair, reading the funny papers.
"Come for that haircut today, Andy?" Floyd asked.
"Yep," Andy nodded. "But don't make it LOOK like I just got a haircut."
"I remember, Andy, I remember."
Floyd got up and stepped around behind the chair, as Andy slid into place.
Floyd put the cloth around Andy's neck, and tucked it in place. He picked
up his shears and comb, and began working on Andy's hair.
"So how's the wedding going, Andy? Everything getting up -- er, coming out
-- all right?"
Andy grinned. "Everything's in working order, Floyd."
"And Helen -- is she putting out -- er, putting up with everything?"
Andy turned to look at Floyd. "Yes, Floyd, in both regards."
Floyd snickered. "So you got some, eh?"
"You might say that."
"Yes, I might," Floyd smiled. "I might at that. Are you having a
"Nah," Andy shook his head.
"Don't shake your head when I'm cutting your hair," Floyd scolded. "You
oughta have one of those fancy parties, where they have a stripper pop out
of a big cake. I'd really enjoy that."
"Then why don't you throw one for me?"
"Me?" Floyd protested. "I don't even know any strippers."
Opie hurried back down the road toward home. As he passed the swimming
hole, he glanced in to see if anyone was there, but the pool was deserted.
As he reached home, he looked around to see if Aunt Bee was home. Looked
like she was out -- shopping, probably, with one of the ladies.
He went to the closet, and pulled out a couple of blankets. He unfolded
them, then refolded them more tightly, rolling them up as small as
possible. He tied them up in a single bundle, wrapping an old belt around
Checking first to make sure nobody had come in while he was working, he
took the bundle outside, and set it beside a shade tree at the side of the
road, out of sight of both the house and the road.
He returned to the house, and fixed a sandwich out of the refrigerator, and
poured a glass of milk.
"Once again," Gomer commanded.
"My voice is sore," Ernest T. whined. "I don't want to sing no more."
"Something else will be sore if you don't," Goober grinned.
"I love you tru-ly..." Ernest T. warbled.
"Barney," Thelma Lou said softly over lunch, "aren't you going to Andy's
"I'm still thinking about it," Barney frowned.
"What's there to think about?"
"Well," Barney began, "I wish I could go back to Mayberry a big success."
"Frankly, no. I'm still a nobody. I'm still a nothing."
"It's true, Thelma Lou. I can't go back to Mayberry yet. Hell, I can't
even ask you to..."
"To what?" Thelma Lou looked directly into his eyes. "Barney, I love you."
"And I... I..." Barney looked away.
Tears formed in Thelma Lou's eyes. "Barney?"
He snatched his hand away from hers. He turned his body away. Thelma Lou
thought she could see him sob.
Barney got up and almost ran out of the room.
After he finished his lunch, Opie picked up his blanket bundle, and headed
back to the treehouse.
"Mary Lynn?" he called softly when he reached the treehouse. No answer.
He climbed up the ladder, and tossed the blankets inside. He sat on the
top of the ladder, looking back toward the road.
After several minutes, he spotted her, threading her way through the trees.
She looked up, saw Opie at the treehouse, and waved. She held up a little
brown paper sack.
Opie shook out the blankets on the floor of the treehouse. Mary Lynn
climbed up and peeked inside.
"Looks comfy," she grinned. She held up the little sack. "I got the
"C'mon inside," Opie smiled back, "before somebody sees you. The guys were
gone from the swimmin' hole."
"You don't think they'd come here, do you?"
Opie shook his head. "I don't think so. But let's not take the chance."
Mary Lynn climbed on into the treehouse. Opie propped open the 'skylight'
again, as Mary Lynn lowered the blanket-door.
"Can I watch it get hard this time?" Mary Lynn asked.
Opie unfastened his jeans, letting them fall down. His penis was not yet
erect. Mary Lynn knelt down, peering closely at it.
"It's not doing anything," she whispered.
"Touch it," he said.
She reached out and touched it gingerly, and Opie's penis jerked slightly.
It started to inflate, like a balloon in slow motion. It became heavy at
first, then as it filled with blood, began to rise, to full staff, upright,
and stiff against his lower abdomen.
"Fascinating," Mary Lynn grinned.
She stood up and pulled off her tee-shirt, then dropped her shorts. She
kicked her clothes over into a corner. Opie pulled off his shirt, and
tossed it and his jeans on top of Mary Lynn's clothing.
Mary Lynn turned her back on Opie, and bent over to pick up the brown paper
"Oh!" Opie said, looking at her ass.
"What's wrong?" Mary Lynn straightened up.
"Nothing's wrong," Opie said, quickly. "I've just missed seeing that side
Mary Lynn smiled softly. She turned back around and bent over, looking at
him through her legs. "Want a better view?"
Opie touched the soft, white skin of her ass, his fingers gliding over the
smooth globes, and settling into the cleft between them. He touched the
pink rosebud of her puckered asshole, and slid down the slit of her
"Inspection done?" Mary Lynn asked. "'Cause this isn't an easy position to
"Yeah," Opie breathed. "But it's all so new... so beautiful."
Mary Lynn stood up and faced Opie. She opened the bag, and pulled out a
little blue foil packet, and she tossed the bag over onto their clothes.
"Here's the rubber," she said. "You know how to put it on?"
Opie shook his head.
"Then let me," she grinned. "I've been practicing on a broom handle."
She knelt down, tore open the foil, and removed the rolled condom. She
rolled it onto his erection, then stood up.
"Easy as that," she smiled.
"Now what?" Opie asked.
"Now, we screw like a couple of bunnies," Mary Lynn grinned.
She sank to the blanket-covered floor, and lay back, lifting and separating
her knees, revealing the pinkness of her lower lips.
Opie knelt down between her legs, and as he had done earlier today, bent
forward to run the tip of his tongue around her clit.
"That feels fantastic," Mary Lynn moaned. "But I want to fuck."
She pulled on his ears gently, and he crawled up her body. He kissed her
"I taste me," she whispered. She reached down and grasped his penis,
guiding the latex-covered rod to the entrance to her pussy.
"Now," she whispered, huskily. "Push slow."
Opie pushed forward slowly. He felt the head of his penis slide between
her outer lips, gripping him tightly.
"Mmmmmm," Mary Lynn moaned. "It feels so gooood."
Opie pushed forward slightly, but it felt like he had run into a wall.
He pushed again. He couldn't get any more of his cock inside her.
Once more, he pulled back a little, and pushed again. This time, there was
a small popping sensation, and he slid further into her. A feeling of
warmth enveloped his entire penis.
"Oh gosh," he gasped. "I think the rubber broke."
Mary Lynn laughed gently. "It wasn't the rubber that broke," she said
softly. "It was my cherry. I'm not a virgin any more."
"I'll explain it to you later. Let's fuck."
Opie began to move his hips, making long, deep strokes. He was afraid to
move too quickly for fear of hurting her.
"Oh, Opie," she whispered in his ear. "Oh... Opie..."
He felt her move her feet up behind his knees, as she met each of his
movements with one of her own. She welcomed each stroke with a moan of
Suddenly, she gasped; she tilted her head back, holding her breath, then it
felt like her pussy was squeezing his penis even tighter. He was unable to
continue the rhythm.
Then as suddenly, she relaxed. He pushed deep inside her and he was
bursting, filling the rubber sheath with his semen.
He collapsed on top of her, and they rolled over on their backs. Opie's
rubber-clad cock flopped on his belly.
Mary Lynn sat up, reached over and gently removed the used condom. She
tied a knot in it, capturing his seed in the tip.
"I ought to save it," she grinned. "My first fuck. But if Mama found it,
she'd have an absolute fit."
"I've got an idea," Opie said, sitting up. He scooted over to one of the
trees, and pointed. There's a knot-hole here, that we tacked a tin-can lid
over. Let's put it in there."
"Then we'll both always know where it is," Mary Lynn grinned. "Our first
Opie pried open the tin-can lid, and Mary Lynn put the used rubber in the
knot-hole. Opie used a piece of wood to tap the tacks back in place. Mary
Lynn kissed him, and Opie kissed back, their tongues sliding easily and
naturally around each other.
Mary Lynn broke the kiss first. "I've got a whole box of rubbers," she
It was getting dark as Andy pulled up in front of Helen's house. He slid
out of the squad car, and strolled up the walkway to her front door. He
tapped on the screen door.
Helen soon appeared, and looked at him through the screen. "Hi, Honey."
Andy grinned back at her. "Aren't you going to let me in?"
Helen frowned, "Oh, Andy..."
Andy cocked his head. "Is there something wrong?"
Helen shook her head. "Nothing's wrong. I WANT to let you in... but if I
do, then I'll want you to stay a while... and before we know it, it will be
midnight... and you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride on
the wedding day before the wedding!"
Andy smiled. "I understand, Sweetie. Good night."
Helen pushed the screen door open and leaned out. She kissed Andy's cheek.
He caught her by the arm, and kissed her firmly on the lips.
Breaking the kiss, she whispered "Good night."
Andy backed away from the door, then turned and walked to the car. Helen
watched him climb in, start the engine, and drive away. "Good night, sweet
prince," she whispered, and closed the front door.
Ernest T. Bass was exhausted, his head resting on his crossed arms on the
Pyle kitchen table.
"He's got it," Gomer grinned at Goober. "By George, I think he's got it."
Goober frowned. "Does that mean I don't get him?"
"Nope," Gomer shook his head. "It means I do."
Ernest T.'s head snapped up in fear and apprehension.
Gomer grinned. "It's a joke! Sur-prise, sur-prise, sur-prise!"
Opie lay in bed, remembering his afternoon. He and Mary Lynn had "done it"
twice more, a used rubber for each of them to take home. Opie had buried
his in the back yard. He hoped Mary Lynn would be as cautious.
As he remembered, he felt a familiar stirring in his pajamas. He lifted
the covers and looked down his body. The tip of his awakening penis was
poking out the opening in his pajama bottoms.
"Aren't you tired yet?" he asked his exposed member.
Thelma Lou tapped at the hotel room door.
"Barney?" she called, softly.
There was no answer.
The elevator door opened, and a hotel maid pushed her cart out into the
"Excuse me," Thelma Lou said. "I've locked myself out."
The maid nodded. "That happens all the time," she said. She fished her
pass key out of her apron pocket, and opened the door. "There ya go."
"Thank you," Thelma Lou said. She pushed open the door. She turned on the
light and closed the door behind her, since the maid was watching her.
She glanced around the room. Barney's suitcase was gone. She stepped into
the bathroom, and saw that his shaving kit and toiletries were gone, too.
A tear rolled down Thelma Lou's cheek, as she sat down on the bed. "Oh,
Barney..." she sobbed.
Sunday morning dawned bright and shiny over Mayberry.
After the morning services, Aunt Bee and her friends strung up white crepe
paper and flowers in the sanctuary of the church.
Andy stood nervously at the front of the church, waiting for Helen to walk
down the aisle. Opie fidgeted next to him, serving as his father's Best
Mary Lynn sat in a pew, a small smile on her face, as she watched Opie
fingering the rings in his pocket.
Andy was not nervous because of the ceremony, though. He was nervous,
because he expected -- at any minute -- that a rock would come sailing
through one of the stained-glass windows.
He looked over the assembled congregation: Howard Sprague, Otis Campbell,
Sam Jones and his son... smiling faces, happy faces. He felt a happy grin
spreading across his face.
The organ started the Bridal March, and Helen appeared, radiant in her
gown. She walked up the aisle and joined him in front of the Pastor.
The pastor looked up toward the balcony and nodded.
"I love you truly, truly dear..."
Gomer's booming baritone was unmistakable. But who was the tenor? Andy
closed his eyes, trying to place the voice. He could not, so he turned his
head to glance up into the balcony.
Gomer Pyle was standing in his dress blue Marine uniform. And standing
beside him, in full tuxedo, cummerbund and all, was Ernest T. Bass.
Andy nudged Helen, and gestured with his eyes toward the balcony. She
looked back, and almost snickered.
Andy and Helen's eyes met, sharing a secret smile, as they turned back to
the Pastor, who nodded at them, with a smile of his own.
The song ended. The Pastor opened his bible.
"We are gathered here today to witness..."
So then take down your fishin' pole,
And meet me at the fishin' hole.
I can't think of a better way
To pass the time o'day!