Note: Xena Warrior Princess was famous for paying about as much attention to
continuity as jellyfish do to ballet. In that spirit am taking the episode
"The Xena Scrolls" and spinning off from it. The events in Joan of Arcadia
and Veronica are meant to spin off from about the middle of this year's
Codes: MF, oral, f-mast, preg
For feedback contact: [email protected]
Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Joan Of Arcadia/Veronica Mars/Xena Warrior Princess:
Chess Game Part 1: Opening Moves
With that thundering word the rubble piled in front of the cliffside exploded
and, after ten years of struggle, out strode Ares, God of War. Clad in black
leather he was tall, dark, handsome and pissed off.
"I can't *believe* they made me miss the *Second* World War too!" Trapped
in a cave by the combination of the residual magic of the broken Eye of
Hephaestus and modern explosives Ares had been able to observe but not
partake in what, to him, was the greatest party of all time.
On the other hand, now there were weapons available to the hands of mortals
that rivaled the power of Zeus himself. He was sure he could find *some* use
to put these ultimate firecrackers to. Stalin and Mao were as savage as
Hitler but smarter, having prospered where he had fallen. Even though they
wouldn't believe in him Ares was sure they'd welcome his help in time.
Thinking about this he grinned like a fox eating shit through a wire brush.
Greece might be a backwater now but he was sure that it wouldn't take much
to set the Russians and those utterly strange people, the Americans against
each other and then...
"You have other things to do," came a voice from behind him, An irritatingly
familiar voice. Drawing his sword he spun around. There she was. The blonde
who had stolen his greatest protege and, next to Xena, had been the greatest
and most persistent thorn in his side throughout the ages. He didn't see Xena
around and by herself Gabrielle was no match for him. Not caring if it was a
trap he roared, charged and swung.
The sword cut entirely through her without leaving a mark. So did
subsequent cuts and thrusts. Come to think of it Gabrielle and Xena were both
reincarnated so why was she dressed in the halter top and leather skirt of a
"Okay, who are you?"
"Surely you remember me Ares? After all, we meant so much to each other
once." She ran a now apparently material hand down his chest and brushed it
against his groin.
* * *
Behind it's facade of Hope the First Evil would have simultaneously grinned
and rolled It's eyes if It had teeth, lips or eyes. Gods were all the same.
Enormous power, teensy-weensy brains.
Still, they had their uses. For one thing, since they shared It's
metaphysical nature they were the only things in the multiverse that could
touch or be touched by It, something It intended to make full use of in
seducing Ares to It's purposes.
* * *
You thought I was dead didn't you? That my son killed me? Well he did but
only the mortal part." She put her arms around his neck.
"And the godly part?"
"Drifted. Drifted in the spaces between universes and thought and planned."
She pulled at the thongs of his leather vest even he tore off her halter and
clawed at her small firm breasts, throwing her to the ground in the process.
She pulled down his pants and pulled his cock toward her mouth. Her teeth
nipping at his balls and staff only excited him the more. He grabbed her by
the hair and started fucking her mouth rapidly and furiously. Just he he came
he pulled her off him so he could cover her face in cum. Still erect he
pushed her legs open and savagely pushed into her cunt. Growling she fastened
her teeth onto his shoulder and dug her clawed fingers into his back. Her
legs wrapped around him pulling him into her as he came a second time. During
all this neither showed any sign of gentleness or consideration for the
other, much less affection.
As he pulled out she grinned viciously and said, "You've mellowed. Now let me
tell you my plans."
"Is there violence involved?"
"Then I'm all ears baby."
* * *
Central Italy, 1953
Lucia Martelli hunted for her lover amid the ruins near Santa Rosa. She
should never have used them as a shortcut between the village and the fields.
Everyone said they were haunted. But she had always been headstrong, even
half coaxing, half bullying her parents into letting her go to school with
And here she had met him, tall, handsome, fierce and mysterious. She was sure
now he was the Devil, tempting her and now abandoning her.
"Where are you, you bastard?"
Strong hands wrapped around her, stroking her breasts even as the most purely
masculine scent she'd ever smelled filled her nostrils.
"Actually I'm just about the only member of my family born *in* wedlock,
baby. Now why so angry?" Her lover spun her around to face him.
"I'm pregnant, you sonofabitch and my family has thrown me out. Not just out
of their house, out of the village!"
"You'll really have to stop saying things about my family. You've never even
met them," he said with a growling undertone that simultaneously scared the
shit out of Lucia and aroused her. "Although, come to think of it, you got
Mom down pretty good." He undid the ties of her bodice. She wasn't to his
usual taste, small and cute, rather than tall and Amazonian but Hope said she
was part of the plan and, hey sex *was* sex, not to mention the pleasures of
corrupting a virgin and generally destroying her life.
She tried to pull away from him but it was half-hearted. She moaned as his
lips chewed at her nipples and his hands slid her skirt down past her hips.
His hard, strong fingers were inside her before she knew it and her fingers
were clawing into his shoulders.
"You...fucking...bastard! God, oh God, fuck me!"
"Alright," he said with an indifferent tone, and soon had her on all fours as
he pushed into her cunt from behind.
"OH! Oh FUCK! Yes, you fucking bastard, yesss!" Her anger hadn't gone away
but right now her need equaled and fueled her hate building up to a climax
better than any she'd had before. She bucked and heaved as he came in her,
clawing the ground and screaming incoherently.
As he stood over her, Ares eyed the girl with a mixture of contempt and
amusement. Humans were so easy. No matter what they *said* they all wanted
the same things.
"I think you'd be better off in a different climate, Lucia. Maybe America."
"And how am I going to do that?" she growled.
Ares pointed to an apparently bare spot of ground. "A little digging and
you'll come to a tiled floor. Most of the tiles used to be white. Four are
black in a diamond pattern. Lift up the white tile in the center"
"Who *are* you? Satan?"
He smiled ferociously. "That wimp? No baby, not him." Then dissapeared.
After she'd recovered and followed his instructions she discovered the rotted
remains of a leather pouch containing coins. Coins with the face of her
erstwhile lover. Coins whose age, rarity and state of preservation made them
even more valuable than the gold they were made from. Enough to get her to
America. First class.
Watching invisibly Ares asked "Hope", "So, her kid, he's going to grow up to
be my version of Hercules?"
"No, the son, and his son will be quite ordinary. But the grandaughter..."
* * *
Arcadia, Illinois: Six months ago
It wasn't that Joan Gerardi didn't realize that gym was necessary, healthy
mind in a healthy body and all that it was just she wished using the TV
remote counted as cardio. On the other hand some of the guys looked real
nice in gym shorts, especially her boyfriend Adam. So normally it wasn't
*that* much of a chore. But it was still less than a month since the death
of Judith and she found herself drifting in thoughts of her friend, losing
pace with the others and suddenly found herself trippng and falling. A hand,
clad in big blue faux feathers reached down and pulled her up. She sighed.
It was Mascot God.
"Joan, Joan you really need to improve your focus." As usual when God was
involved noone seemed to notice her fall, although she was sure that when
the conversation was over someone would, probably in the most embarrassing
"Any suggestions?" she asked sarcastically. Of *course He/She would have
suggestions. He/She was chock full of ideas.
"Your physical coordination could use some help too." His big blue eagle head
motioned towards a poster on the gym wall.
"You must be kidding. No, never mind, you never kid. But I bruise easy." The
poster was announcing the beginning of Martial Arts classes. And of course as
she was protesting God was walking away with that annoying backwards wave.
* * *
When she asked her parents to sign the permission slip her mother balked at
"What if you get hurt?"
Considering that Joan had been thinking the same thing she didn't really have
a comeback but her father had one for her.
"What if it keeps her from getting hurt, Helen?"
Helen thought about that and about how her life would have been different if
she had been able to defend herself back in college when she had been raped.
"Oh all right, but be careful."
"It's not like we're going to be weilding swords or anything." Luke
"We?" asked Helen. Luke brought out his slip too.
"When your part of the school's Geek clique it doesn't hurt to know something
about self defense. And now that Joan's doing it I have to. I'm not about to
let my sister be able to beat me up."
Will, who had always wanted Luke to be more physical was also in favor of
* * *
When Joan and Luke went to their first class two weeks later Joan got a
surprise. Not only Luke, but Grace and Glynis were also there. Given her
feminist bent Grace's presence wasn't too surprising but Glynis was a
beanpole of a girl who generally looked like a strong wind could break
her in half.
"What style are they teaching now? Karate, Kung Fu, what?" Joan hadn't really
paid much attention to the actual poster and her knowledge of martial arts
didn't extend much beyond movies.
Grace rolled her eyes. "None of that. The teacher's a friend of my father.
It's called Krav Maga, it's..." She went quiet when the teacher a tall thin,
dark complected man came into the gym. Instead of a karate gi he was dressed
in loose dark jeans and t-shirt.
"Please assemble into two rows of five please. A little further apart thank
you. I am Dov Kallein, your teacher. That by the way is 'teacher', not Sensei
and this is a class, not a dojo. While I have the utmost respect for the
Asian disciplines, Krav Maga is not one of them."
Kallein walked between the two files adjusting them until there were two even
rows and talking as he went. "If you've never heard of Krav Maga don't be
surprised. Until recently it was pretty much the province of the Isreali
armed forces but I feel that in today's environment it has a place. There is
no real philosophy behind it, rather it has been scientifically calculated
for efficiency, flexibility and striking power. Any questions?"
Not even Grace had any smart comments.
"One last thing before we begin. If your idea of martial arts comes from
"The Karate Kid" these classes are not for you. There are no Krav Maga
tournaments. This is not a sport or a game it's combat."
Joan really really *really* wanted to leave then but every time she had gone
against God's advice it went bad so she swallowed her reflex to run and hide
from this quietly scary man and stayed. A couple of other students did take
a walk. Neither did any of her friends although Glynis and Luke both looked
like they wanted to.
* * *
Xander pulled into the Arcadia High School parking lot thinking, 'Why
couldn't I have a cool James Bond type job involving high school girls back
when *I* was in high school? No instead I have to have it when I'm at an age
where I inspire screams of "Pervert!"'
Nowadays he shouldn't have been out on a field mission anymore. Two years
after the death of the old Watcher's Council the new one, consisting of the
survivors of Sunnydale, had grown to an extant where they had gathered a
small crew of Watchers. Plus simple recruitment was now often left to the
Slayers as it was felt that they could help a new Slayer understand her
powers and role in life better. But this wasn't just a simple recruitment
although an awakening Slayer was involved. No, this was about a dream that
had awoken every Slayer and witch in the Motherhouse screaming. A dream
about a "dark destroyer from another world" that threatened not merely this
world but *all* worlds and about a "god-touched girl" that held the key to
stopping the destruction.
'Gods, why did it have to be gods,' he thought. Or did he say that out loud?
There was someone staring at him, a spiky haired Goth type, so maybe he had.
He had only met one god, or maybe two, did The First Evil count? But she had
been more than enough. He watched as the school let out until the girl he
wanted ran out crying.
* * *
Joan was staring at Glynis. She wasn't alone, everyone in the hall was.
Trace Massie, one of Arcadia High's more obnoxious jocks had walked past her,
reached out and given her a shove. Or tried to. The frail blonde girl had
spun out of his way then stepped in towards him sideways and delivered a chop
to his ribs that had knocked him to the floor and into a locker so hard it's
door had been caved in. Noone looked more astonished than Glynis herself. She
*had* been doing surprisingly well in the Krav Maga classes and had been the
first to achieve green belt just this week but it was less that she'd been
able to do it than that she'd done it at all. Glynis was normally shy as a
mouse even among her friends. Noone had even been able to figure out why she
was taking the classes at all. Joan finally thought she knew why God had
wanted her to take the classes. She followed Glynis out as she ran down the
hall and out of the school.
"Maybe she just needs some time to herself Joan." came the voice of Female
Custodian God bringing her to an abrupt halt.
"So I was wrong thinking she was the reason you wanted me to take those
"Didn't say that. Just give her a few moments. She's going through some
serious changes in her mind and body right now and she will need your help
adjusting to them but right now there are other connections she needs to
* * *
Out on the school steps Glynis had her arms wrapped around herself shaking.
Why had she done that? *How* had she done that? Even with the training she'd
gotten lately she shouldn't have been able to throw him so hard. And what had
caused her to take martial arts classes anyway? It wasn't because Luke had,
she was so over him.
It was the dreams. Dreams realer and stranger than any she'd ever had.
Dreams of fighting and hunting...things, things that as a would-be scientist
she just couldn't bring herself to believe were real. Dreams of power and
strength that she couldn't believe were possible for a girl like her even
though she had just demonstrated some.
"Glynis? Glynis Figliola?"
She looked up to see a man, maybe twenty-five or so standing over her. Kind
of good looking if the eye-patch hadn't also made him look a little scary.
* * *
"Am I dreaming?"
"Would you ever be caught dead wearing boxer shorts if you weren't? And would
you be talking to a dead chick?" asked Lilly who herself was wearing her prom
"Well, I have talked to you before and by the way, are you just a dream image
or are you well, a ghost?"
Lilly smiled. "Yes."
"Oh, and I wear boxers all the time now, I'm a lot more butch than I used to
"How nice." Lilly put her arms around her and kissed her on the lips.
Veronica pulled back a little.
"Not that butch."
"Really? I'm either a fragment of your mind or," Lilly paused, pulled away,
suddenly became naked and did a pirouette, "an all-knowing spirit guide.
Either way lying to me is futile. Don't tell me you never thought about it."
She then assumed a more serious look. "Fun aside, I'm here for a reason.
You're going to get a job offer soon. Take it but be real careful. There
are all kinds of sides to this deal." She came back to Veronica and leaned
in for another kiss.
Veronica pulled back but not away. "What kind of sides?"
"Well they *think* they're the good guys. But then doesn't everyone?"
Veronica pulled back at first and then gave in. After all, it was just a
dream, right? And even though she'd never thought seriously about it in real
life, if Lilly had ever come on to her when she was alive she realized that
she probably would have said yes at least the first time. She felt her
friends lips and tongue pressing at hers and opened up her lips. Lilly's
tongue entered her mouth as her hands danced up Veronica's sides and came
forward to stroke her small breasts...
And then I woke up, seriously flustered and horny. What the fuck was that
all about? I had never had a dream that...vivid. I could still feel her touch
on my skin. And I could definitely feel the heat between my legs. My hand
reached down and I moaned as I slipped first one, then two fingers inside
myself. Jumbled thoughts of both Lilly and her brother Duncan mingled in my
mind, the incestuous possibilities only complicated by the fact that there
was the distinct possibility that *I* might be a Kane. My free hand went to
my tits, stroking and pinching my hard pink nipples. As my fingers found my
clit I rocked back and forth on the bed and bit down on my lip to keep a
scream from waking my father. Oh god! It was one of the best orgasms I'd ever
When I came down I wondered about what Lilly had told me. Something told me
that this wasn't *just* a dream. For one thing it wasn't the only strange
dream I'd been having. Dreams in which I'd been a series of girls who looked
nothing like me yet *were* me. And dreams of a dark, powerful, compelling
figure that never quite came into focus. What the hell was going on?
* * *
Dawn entered the offices of Mars Investigations nervously. She'd been on
missions for the new Council before but, thanks to her sister's
overprotectiveness, this was the first time she'd gone solo. In fact she'd
only managed to sell herself because she was on her way to USC to interview
anyway and Neptune was on the way. Plus, the Council was bracing for yet
another world threatening crisis that the coven they were allied with had
warned them about and couldn't spare the manpower. She had followed the Mars
girl around for two days. Fortunately she was still young enough to pass for
a high-school girl and the only attention she'd gotten was from boys. She
was ready. She hoped.
* * *
The client looked more like one of my highschool jobs than one of my father's
jobs and it turned out that she said she was exactly that.
"I'm Dawn. I'm a new transfer and I heard you...help people."
What followed was the tale of two sisters, Dawn, my client, and her younger
sister Buffy, a sweet but wild and not too bright kid who apparently had
gotten in with the wrong crowd and about whom Dawn was worried. Buffy had
dissapeared and the police wouldn't put out an APB for 48 hours. Since she
was Buffy's guardian she was worried about losing custody. Personally I
thought that might not be such a bad thing but agreed to take the case under
the table, especially when I saw the wad of cash Dawn put on the table. Then
I heard where she thought Buffy's "friends" hung out and it took a second wad
to get me to agree.
* * *
"Bradbury Street? You do *not* want to go there, sweetcheeks," said Weevil.
"Hell, *I* won't go there. Not at night anyway."
"But you will to protect my sweet cheeks, won't you?" In the end it took the
head tilt, the hairflip *and* the pouty smile, not to mention a big chunk of
the money Dawn had given me to get him to escort me. Couldn't say as I blamed
him. Neptune wasn't that big a town but it was big enough to have a "bad
neighborhood" and Bradbury Street was it. Weevil and I lived in the poor
section but this was the *bad* section. It wasn't just that what small drug
and prostitution trade existed went on there. It had a rep that was down
right creepy. People had been known to just plain dissapear and not show up
again even as bodies.
* * *
After school Weevil and I motored down to the house Dawn had said her
sister's "friends" hung out at accompanied by Fred and Rico, two of his
"boyz", figuring that the denizens of Bradbury St. probably didn't wake
up until sundown. I was about to find out how ironic that assumption was.
"Okay, I'm just going to scout the place out. Don't come in unless you hear
"And what would that be again?"
"Screaming at the top of my lungs."
In an attempt to fit in with my surroundings I had dressed appropriately with
heroin-chic makeup, criminally short leather skirt, fishnets and midriff
bearing t-shirt. If I did get caught I was hoping to plead that I was looking
to score and buy my way out with the remainder of Dawn's money.
Looking at the house, dressing as Morticia Addams might have been better.
On the other hand, Morticia had too much class. This place looked like the
Addams mansion *after* it had been condemned. Just getting in might be a
problem because every window was boarded up. Of course I could try the
unique approach and use the front door.
And sure enough it worked. I stepped into a classic set from any given Grade
D slasher flick. Which, given that, technically at least, I was no longer a
virgin meant I should really not be there. Even worse, I heard noises coming
from the basement. Now a smart person would have run out the door while
dialing 911 and screaming for help.
Guess I'm not as smart as I usually think.
I would have done all that honest, except...I recognized one of the voices,
Georgia, the girl who Wallace has had a thing for since he first laid eyes on
her and *not* the type to be caught in this neighborhood. It was, of course
coming from the basement and sounded like she was pleading for her life.
Well I may be a dumb blond but I'm not *that* dumb. If I was going down into
the dark spooky cellar I at least had the presence of mind to do so with a
mini-flashlight in one hand and my handy mace spray in the other. So down I
went into something out of either the middle ages or maybe one of Wallace's
Georgia was chained to the wall and around her were three guys dressed in
Early Homeless. They turned around, I thought, at the light.
I saw their faces.
I gave the signal while going full speed reverse up the stairs.
It wasn't enough. The first of them moved faster then I thought possible. And
then the realm of the possible stretched even further.
Being the daughter of a cop and the friend of Weevil I've picked up *some*
self-defense moves. But my leg seemed to move with a will of it's own,
catching the whateveritwas clean in the throat harder than I thought I
could. He tumbled down the stairs onto his equally gruesome compadres while
I finished scrambling up the stairs into the foyer. I slammed the door shut
and piled some broken furniture in front of it. This tactic was spoiled by
the entire door coming off it's hinges, fortunately just as Weevil and his
pals came through the front door.
"What the *fuck*?!" This was Rico. In the somewhat better light upstairs I
saw what he meant. The..."things" was the only appropriate term, had faces
that looked like a cross between werewolves and Neanderthals. Weevil had
already come in, bicycle chain swinging while Fred and Rico pulled a wrench
and a switchblade respectively. I decided that hiding behind the manly men
was and cringing was the better part of valor but then something inside me
decided no. Someday I'm going to find that something and beat Hell out of
it. Regardless I stepped forward and maced one of the critters, which had
more effect than Weevil and the boys. Weevil and Fred were holding their
own more or less against one of them but the other had Rico down on the
floor. I heard a sickening crunch come from his neck area and my stomach
turned especially as the thing seemed to *feed* off him.
"Shit!" That was Weevil. Unfortunately his distraction let the creature he
and Fred were fighting knock him to the ground. Things weren't going well
for us. The thing I'd maced was recovering a lot faster then a human would
Then a lightbulb must have gone off over Weevil's head. He pulled out the
cross that was a present from his grandmother and the creature stopped in
"Fuck, they're vampires!"
Okay, made as much sense as anything else. Fred also whipped out a cross.
They might be hoods, but they were Catholic hoods. But where did that leave
me? Damn agnostic upbringing! But nights spent watching loads of old Hammer
films finally came in handy. I pried a board off of one of the windows (a
lot easier then I should have been able to, but I digress) and broke the
black painted pane underneath, letting a strategically placed ray of light
into the room and right onto the still half-blind vamp.
Note to self: Next time I go camping, bring vampire along for kindling, they
burn real good.
I used this fact to spin him into the creature still munching on Rico.
Unfortunately, the three of us were so intent on watching this that the
last one was able to do an end-run around Fred and grab him from behind.
Just in time to take a wooden arrow in the back.
There in the doorway carrying a crossbow, was my client.
"Congratulations, you passed the entrance exam."