Editor's Disclaimer: This story is fictional and is not based on any real
people, even though it depicts, in great detail, bodily features of real
people, and specifically the actual, living people who actually played the
actual characters in the actual show that this story is actually based on.

Edited by P.J. (Refer to an actual dictionary for no help whatsoever on
defining many of the unclear terms in this story.)

When possible, the author's original notes have been included.

Numbers by certain sentences indicate a corresponding note found at the end
of each part. The notes were included in 2006, years after the author's
initial writing in 2002.

Even Stevens: Reading Material For Your 11-Year-Old Nephew Part 4
by Dimes N. Nickels (feedback: [email protected])

X. "Good Work. I'm Sure She'll Really Like This Part. It Doesn't Make You
Look Weird at All."

Ren shook the snoring Jimmy and Timmy awake. That was her second choice. Her
first decision (and one she actually preferred) was to roll them off the bed,
and kick them until they crawled out of her bedroom. But her limbs hung to
her side and her knees buckled. So, with their arms' locked around each
other's frames in the most obscene spooning incident ever witnessed, and
Jimmy's head cushioned in the neck of his twin sibling, the two brothers
whined and slapped one another in a hissy fit upon waking up.

"Five more minutes," one of the brothers cried in a tone that made a dog howl
down the block.

"You guys have rooms of your own."

"Where are my clothes?" one brother inquired.

"Can't we just sleep in here?" the other brother inquired.

"Do you honestly not remember the stairs and the hallway?" Ren inquired.

"Wait, we have to sleep in the stairs in the hallway?" someone inquired about

This back-and-forth conversational style continued for two more minutes,
when, during an Jolt Cola-like energy surge that zipped up her foot, Ren
Stevens raised her leg and dropped it on Jimmy's head. These quotes by the
brothers followed: "Timmy, what'd she do that for?" "Timmy? I'm Jimmy."
"No, you're not, I'm Timmy." "Wait, I'll show you, where's my wallet?"

"Out on the stairs, in the hallway," Ren said.

"Yeah, Timmy, she said that before." "So you agree, you're Jimmy." "No, wait,
let me say that again, yeah, Timmy, she said that before." "That's what you
said in the first place." "No, it wasn't." "Yes, it was." "No way." "I'll
prove it to you, where are my pants?"

"Out on the stairs, in the hallway,"

"Wait, didn't you wear shorts?" "Yeah, where are my shorts?"

They left thirty seconds, a single push, and a "dang" and a "dangit" later.
Afterwards, while pulling a robe out of her closet, and draping it over her
bare figure, Ren thought about how Principle Wexler would say that this
behavior was unbecoming of a student of her caliber. Still, she locked the
door behind Jimmy and Timmy, and watched as its closing shadowed the bright
hallway's light bulbs' rays until it could only be seen under the door's
crack. Ren bid adieu to the strolling siblings out in the hallway (with
their arms slung around each other's shoulders), collapsed on the bed, and
ignored whatever figments of academic hierarchy stirred in her mind.

Even though her bed creaked as if the screws would unhinge and cause the
mattress to careen through the second-story floor (probably on Tom), and her
sheets stunk of little men and athletic body spray, Ren still managed to
drift into slumber with her arms tied around Mr. Pookie's neck. (Mr. Pookie
witnessed the entire spectacle of Ren and the two brothers, and even though
he remained silent at that time, he went to his "safe place" where his owner
would never allow such penetrations on her body. Then, he cried on the
inside) With the night's sleep slowly blocking out her consciousness, Ren
heard two final beckoning cries from reality: "Oh, there's my pants, wait
someone chewed on them, Jimmy!" "I'm Timmy." "Someone still chewed on them!"

Ren opened her eyes in her dream to see the tan top of a Lawrence High desk.
The sun shined through the far window of the classroom and caused the fair
brunette to squint, while Ms. Lovelson toddled out of the door. The classroom
housed twenty students sitting in twenty seats. Ruby sat in the seat to her
left, reading a "Teen Beat" magazine and listening to her Magnavox
headphones. At first Ren reached over to her bff and attempted to get her
attention with a series of tugs and pulls. Despite that attempt, Ruby ignored
these advances with a meditation-like trance (which, to be honest, resembled
Ruby perfectly in class). Nonetheless, while her left side remained silent,
the occupant in the seat to her right spoke up.

"Ren, hey, thanks for losing my bracelet," Bobby said.

She turned to him, but her neck felt tightly-wound, and her chin weighed like
an anchor.

"Louis bought a monkey," Ren replied, showing off her debate-club skills. "It
was a monkey."

"Can I have it back?"

"If you want. It died. It committed suicide. I think we gave it to Beans."

"No, not Louis' monkey, the bracelet."

"Didn't you hear me? Louis stole it and bought a monkey. I don't have it

"Ren, if you can't return the bracelet, I'm going to need the money."

"I can't afford to pay you back. We tried to sell the monkey back. The
pet-store owner said that it was only good alive. We tried to resurrect it,
but the laws of nature prevented it. You have to believe me."

"Well, then, you'll have to find another way to get the money. You'll have to
use your body."

"What, like fundraising through running a marathon?"

"A fundraiser for a dead monkey?"

Ren shrugged.

"Ren, you'll have to make it up to me with your body."

"In here, right now? Can't we go to the lunch lady's bathroom like Ruby?"*

(*Author's Note: Other choices I considered for this line: the janitor's
closet, in the gym on the gymnastics' mat, the men's bathroom, in the cage of
"Howlin' Hamster," Ms. Lovelson's pet hamster that can DJ a classic radio
station for hamsters, and a day-care center. I think I chose the right one.
"Howlin' Hamster" howls on KHAM! -Dimes)

"We could, but how would we fit Jerry Footlong or Jeremy Sizetwelve in there
with you?"

"Sizetwelve? The kid who drinks mouthwash?"*

(*Author's Note: Other choices I considered for this line: drinks tears,
Ruby's used mouthwash, the liquid on Ruby's used toilet seat cover,
three-day-old milk, Pepsi, Coke, Jolt Cola, RC Cola, Gatorade, and Tom
Gribalski's new power drink called, "Tom Gribalski's New Power Drink." I
should change it to Ruby's used mouthwash. I don't feel like it, though.
Screw you. Readers, place "used" between "drinks" and "mouthwash" in the
above line. Actually, place in any adjective you want. I can't stop you.
Screw it, add a verb too. I don't like you. -Dimes)

Ren spun her face away from Bobby, and back to the students. Each classmate
was ready. Eagerness to learn? Check. Textbooks? Check. Pants? Nope.

Every male student had exposed their private parts inches from her nose. Most
of the students' members were erect, shining a coat of pre-cream just below
the slinky-dink's hole, but the one thing in common was that all the wowzers
were laying on her shoulder or fumbling in her hair or tapping her cheek. The
brunette called for assistance from Ruby, but a glimpse of the blonde saw the
gossip queen's head still tucked between the pages of her "Teen Beat." When
Ren screamed for Ruby, Bobby took his ex-girlfriend by the hand, turned her
around, and pushed her forward. With her back-end waving the air, Ren was
bent over the desk. (1)

"Wait," Ren exclaimed as Bobby pulled down her jeans and unveiled her cheeks
to each hormone-hyper teenager in the room, "wha... wha... what if Ms.
Lovelson comes back?"*

(*Author's Note: Bobby will never actually do anything to her sweet behind,
but I thought I'd add it anyway. It helps to shape Ren's personality, and
bring a new dimension to the character. Oh yeah, and I'm thinking on adding
a chapter called "More Butt Stuff." -Dimes)

"Why don't you ask Mr. Wexler?"

"Well, that's not something I'd particularly want to do, with or without my
pants around my knees."

"But he's next in line."

The two hundred pound principal of Lawrence High obstructed the other hopeful
customers with his typical big-and-tall black suit, white shirt, and red tie.
His pants, on the other hand, lay below his feet, stepped on by his loafers
and crinkling to unheard of levels by any Sacramento dry cleaner.

Even though his slinky-dink stretched unceasingly to her Ren's nose, it was
not the main concern on her mind. Instead, she thought about the washing, the
ironing, and the scrubbing of those size three-hundred-waist slacks that Mr.
Wexler would appoint to her once this "meeting" concluded. She'd have to use
Bounce fabric sheets to make those pants soft, Febreze to give them a breath
of fresh air, and Tide for a one-two-punch against stains.

"Mr. Wexler, I am not going to clean your pants, even if I am your assistant,
if I find that you have ejected any type of bodily fluids onto it."

"Oh, Ms. Stevens, do be professional," Mr. Wexler retorted.

With that demand, Mr. Wexler filled Ren Steven's mouth with a pound of second
head. Though she initially fought back, Ren determined that it would be in
her best interest to relax. Bobby had her hands and body pushed to the desk,
and she feared that her throat muscles would result with the usual gagging.
The less aggravation, the better.

His first thrust of his manhood jammed the back of her mouth, and even with
the spasm in her arms combating her current state, Bobby held her down

"Oh, Ms. Stevens, you do seem to be the head of the class today," Mr. Wexler
rudely remarked.*

(*Author's Note: Dear Dimes, It's not as clever the twentieth time you use
it. It wasn't that clever to begin with. xoxo -Dimes)

Even Ren wondered how many times this story would use a "head" pun.

Mr. Wexler pried her lips apart in a way that would be impossible had she
been chewing Bubblicious bubble gum, and even with three inches remaining
outside of her mouth, he slowly delved his total erect state until it made
a complete face-stuffing. She felt the head wedge in her throat where it
grew until she couldn't remove it. From the corner of her eyes she saw
each of her classmates wanking their half-sizes until they made foot-longs
like BallPark Franks Mmmmmmmm, BallPark Franks. Just like the students'
wowzers, those hot dogs will plump when you cook them in an oven.

The embarrassment of servicing your principal in front of your peers was one
thing. It was another to choke hysterically in front of the crowd. With this
in her mind, she heard the murmurs of the naked boys.

"No wonder he dumped her." "She just can't handle it." "I heard she
swallows." "You heard wrong." "Ren Stevens sucks." "No, she doesn't, look at
her." "Oh, I was using it as a description of her sucking style; I wasn't
referring to the action itself." "Oh, then you'd be correct." "Still a nice
pun." "No, it wasn't." "What happened to my pants?" "Lots of puns in this
story." "You were wearing shorts." "Shut up, Timmy." "Forget this, when it's
my turn, I'm going to aim for her hair."

"Oh, Ms. Stevens, your scholastic achievements are strictly `A' quality, but
your sucking skills are a lot like your bra size," Mr. Wexler added, as he
pulled her hair and dipped his baboon-kazoo into her vocal pipes like Fritos
Scoops in the week-old salsa in the teacher's lounge.

"Let's not be delusional, guys, she is not a D-cup," said a familiar voice
that could induce choking even without a phallic object inserted in her
throat. She wasn't sure which tasted more bitter: her brother's voice or Mr.
Wexler's tart baby samples. "I saw her in the bathtub once, she's lucky to
be a `B.'" (2)

"Tomfoolery, Louis, Ms. Stevens' rack is a `C,' no shaded grading-a solid
`C,'" the principal surmised.

"What about you, Bobby, you've seen her non-clothed more than we have, and
you've touched them, what's your diagnosis?" Louis asked, as he undid his
belt, dropped his trousers, and allowed his ding-a-ling to spring up.

"She's a `C,' but barely one at that," Bobby answered, with his hands
circulating around Ren's behind and up her back.

"Oh, tiddlywinks, I think I'm about to splatter," Mr. Wexler announced.

Ren felt like she was enduring a cold: the snot dripping down her nose, the
scratchy larynx, the tears streaming down her eyes, and her hair in a knot
because her ex- boyfriend Bobby and current-principal Mr. Wexler were pulling
it out by the roots. The worst illnesses are the ones that creep up on you,
or, in this case, the one that confronts you face-first and looks like your
high school principal.

Mr. Wexler's body movements seemingly transformed into a bumbling clown on a
roller-skates, as he flung his stomach back and forth with his bottom-half
remaining in a position as to not disturb the forced stuffing. The firework
grew in his boom-boom-boom.

"Oh, Ms. Stevens, tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, goodness gracious,
oh mighty me, tiddlywinks, major tiddlywinks, Ms. Stevens!" Mr. Wexler
exclaimed, as he took the first of several shots of his bodily fluids down
her throat.

More shots followed. Each one growing in size. She thought the third would
be the worst. It felt like an entire Original Brand lollipop When the forth
cream shot felt three inches long and nearly as wide, she felt a noose
tighten around her neck. Well, actually, it was a noose inside of her neck,
or something.

At least, Ren thought, I won't have to wash it off his pants.

Mr. Wexler removed his boom-boom-boom from her mouth, causing gasps from Ren,
who fought to regain her composure. Even with five whole shots (like fruit
flavor from a pack of Juicy Fruit) blasted down to her tummy, Ren still
coughed up two of them. The substance emerged around her lips and (while
mixing with her own drool) formed a stretchy-liquid rope. She saw it. She saw
the regurgitated babies sink and sink until it broke, and landed, much to Ms.
Stevens' dismay, on Mr. Wexler's slacks.

The principal adjusted his glasses and patted down his suit.

"Ah-hem, I'll be expecting those pants to be pressed and hand-washed," he
ordered. "Now, I think I have some principal duties to attend to, like
children running in the halls..."

Ren tried to scream, but she coughed instead.

The head (what again?) student plopped her face on the desk and sighed.
Interruptions came in the form of pranks, pop quizzes, and, like every other
day, little brothers. So when a soft, round, clump of skin reclined on her
cheek and she looked up to find Louis standing next in line, Ren was
disappointed but not surprised. His hand stroked himself in a deliberately
calm manner, as if the firework needed to be petted and composed.

"Louis, you can't possibly expect me to do this to you, too."

"Ren, ski trip, seriously, stop thinking of yourself, what would Grandma say
if she heard you so easily giving up?" Louis said, just as his slinky-dink
twitched on Ren's earlobe.

"I don't think I could, Louis, considering that my mouth would probably be
too full to explain to Grandma that I was retiring early from slurp-slurping
my brother," Ren stated, as she wiggled her body in an attempt to break free,
but only ended up turning Bobby on.

"Ren, stick out your tongue. You have to pay Bobby back somehow."

"Louis, what do you think I've been doing? I've been gagging for the past
four minutes. Have you actually seen my tongue anywhere but out?"

"I'm gonna shoot, Ren, right on your face. I wanted to do this ever since I
saw you in that bathtub." (3)

"Babies? On my face? Ohhhhh, Hostess cupcakes! Super Hostess cupcakes! So
frosty and good! But not now!!! Ruby!" Ren screamed.*

(*Author's Note: You ever think about that stuff? Like how a woman can digest
babies in the form of man juice, and not be arrested. Yet, when the babies
are like six years old, and the woman eats the baby, it's a crime? You ever
think? Mother-humdinging hypocrisy. -Dimes)

She saw her friend every time that crowd of dangling boom-boom-booms parted
through the involuntarily squirms of the student body. Ruby still sat with
her face turned down, BBMak buzzing through her headphones, and a "Teen Beat"
opened to summer fashions.

"Ruby, can you please intervene with my brother and his wowzers and my lips?"
Ren asked.

"I can't hear a word you say about your brother and your lips, Ren. Wow,
stripes are in this year. That means ugly must be in this year too."

"Ruby, get your head out of the magazine and help me here, please, pretty,
please, sugar on top."

The crowd once again blocked her vision. All that was left was a veil of
flesh and dibble-dabbling boys with their mouths open and sweat culminating
around their armpits which soaked into their Gap clothing until it created
dark puddles. With Bobby pressing her face against the desk, and the drool
leaking out of the edge of her lips, Ren felt Louis' member dabble on her
outstretched tongue. Its inactive state changed once Louis shifted his
pelvis forward and felt his manhood consumed by his sister's throat.

Louis' body often covered Ren's view of Ruby. During one of the times that he
teetered over to the left, Ren saw Ruby's desk unoccupied. The "Teen Beat"
was closed, placed on the desk with her headphones and portable radio on top
of it. The cover read something about stripes and fashion. Ruby was right,
Ren thought. Ugly is in this year. (4)

The murmurs began again.

"She always had a big mouth." "And we thought her friend was the easy one."
"Dude, I think you left your shorts in your room." "Mom?" "You ever see that
movie `Risky Business'?" "Do you ever get an stiff slinky-dink when `Kim
Possible' does a bunch of flips in her cheerleading outfit?" "Ren Stevens,
this is all she'll ever have to offer." "Mom, why are you naked?" "Ren
Stevens will get exactly what she deserves."

The pulsating slinky-dink tingled in her mouth. Her drooping face and
disheveled look normally would have turned off most men. However, Louis saw
her half-closed eye and completely white right side of her face, as well as
heard her incoherent mumbling, and used them as cheers for his pounding.

"Oh, Ren, tiddlywinks, I'm about to shoot, Ren, tiddlywinks all over your
tiddlywinking face!" He pulled his slinky-dink out, and with a grimace and
cough, added his own brand of frosting to the Girl Scout-sweet cookie of a
girl that any guy (or gal) would gladly eat (out), because if she was a
board game she'd be Candy Land (???) or Chutes and Ladders (something about
holes). Louis plastered her face until white streaked down her forehead and
slid down her nose. Her splattered mug was a sight truly hot enough to be
considered Easy Baked. (5)

Ruby, who always cheated off Ren in class; Ruby, who always ran to the first
hint of juicy gossip in Lawrence High for her column; Ruby, who wrote in her
diary that there will never be another best friend like Ren Stevens, was
nowhere to be seen during Louis' tirade.

"Oh, for Twinkies' sake, Ruby, where did you go?" Ren screamed, as Louis
unloaded the last of his seed on her chin. "Why can't you be there when I
need you!"

Her brother walked away, without saying a word, and sank back into the crowd
where his face dissolved into the rest of boys. She blinked, puckered her
lips and daubed her teeth with her tongue until the drying substance
liquefied and exited out of her mouth. A second of a blink later and she
reopened her lids to another erect humdinger lingering in her face. Bobby
increased his clutch on the back of her head, leaned down, and licked her

"Not another baboon-kazoo! Ruby where are yo..." Ren said just as she peered
up to see the owner of the boom-boom-boom. The owner had a pair of bagels,
slender stomach, blonde hair and blue eyes. Ruby somehow acquired a
slinky-dink and attached it seamlessly to where her whose-knows-its would
have been.*

(*Author's Note: I don't know how to explain this part. But if you, Lauren,
need an explanation of this part, that means you haven't been reading this
section. And that probably means you shouldn't start. -Dimes)

"You've been asking where I was, now, here I am, open up, Ren, it's my turn,"
Ruby said, standing bare and with an added utensil to her arsenal.*

(*Author's Note: Lauren, please, please don't be offended by this part. I
don't mean anything by it. It's just suppose to be, you know, a compliment.
It shows how versatile you are. -Dimes)

Much like the 100 percent female Ruby, this version was cleanly shaved. That
delicate hand that Ren saw sink in her underwear, splash soap across her
muffins in the shower, and dip in the best dairy topping ever, Cool-Whip,
only to lick it off a moment later now teased her friend with her new erect

"Suck me, Ren," Ruby said, as she brushed the hair off of Ren's face.
"Remember touching me in the shower, remember feeling my romper-room in your
bedroom? Now you can do more than just that."

"Ruby you have a slinky-dink."

"Yes, Ren, and you have a mouth. And together we can make beautiful music
together. Beautiful tiddlywinking music."*

(*Author's Note: I really don't mean anything by it. Don't be mad. I think
you're the prettiest girl I ever. Seriously. You're like that girl who
wouldn't go out with me in high school, junior high, elementary school,
kindergarten, preschool, day-care, and now. -Dimes*)

(*Author's Note on the other Author's Note: How about you just not read this
at all? -Dimes)

Ruby sent her humdinger into her best friend's mouth. Ren couldn't help but
notice its softness; a brand of humdinger that was made of lubricant and
Downy-Soft clouds. Of course, she only felt four (three imaginary) humdingers
in her mouth ever, and this was the first one ever attached to what (could,
or maybe, or not be) still described as a girl. Unlike the other two
humdingers, this one melted in her throat, and it was upon Ruby's third
thrust that it occurred to Ren that the gagging reflex had not yet begun.

Ruby bent backwards, tying her fingers in Ren's hair. Her soft hands played
with the locks, twirling them around in semicircles and caressing the scalp.
In comparison, Mr. Wexler's approach to face-stuffing was to send the wowzer
in her mouth, while Louis used her facial features as the main stimulant.
But, Ruby did not have to rely on anything but the sucking action of her
friend's lungs. Ren breathed in-voluntarily.

"Nothing to worry about, is there Ren?"


Ren looked up. Ruby curved her neck back, and her hair fell with it. Long
strands of flowing blonde waved in the motion of the thrusts. The beauty
closed her eyes, and the initial sensations of receiving a sucking showed
on her face (as if she ate a bag of wonderful Sour-Patch Kids). As Ren's
lungs sucked in more, Ruby's red muffin nubs pointed out further.

"Oh, Ren, you have beautiful hair..." Ruby complimented.


Ruby moved her hands out of Ren's hair and redirected them to her own chest.
She dug her fingers in the Ben & Jerry's vanilla cookie dough of her bagel,
kneaded it until smoothed, and squeezed until they felt soft. She tweaked
her red nubs by floating her palm over its edge.

"What happened to all those times you told me to learn and to just be quiet
and study-well, Ren, it's your turn to be quiet, what do you have to say
about that?"


"Suck me off, suck Ruby off..."


"Oh, oh, oh, tiddlywinks, Ren, I'm going to, I'm going to, tiddlywinks!" Ruby
screamed in her Brooklyn-accent.


The word tiddlywinks echoed in Ren's skull until her eye lids flung open, and
she returned to the real world. She also woke to Tom stroking his slinky-dink
over her face and sliding it between her lips, while rubbing his hand in her
hair. (So smooth, she must have been using Pantene Sheer Volume conditioner.)

"Oh tiddlywinks, Ren, I'm going to shoot all over your hair and face!" Tom

Reality sunk in-the softest wowzer ever belonged to Tom, not Ruby. This added
to the stress of the situation. It offered no comfort to Ren that instead of
sucking off an imaginary half-and-half, she actually sucked a 100 percent
male Tom off instead.

Ren shot up, and threw the covers around, wielding her arms like hot pokers
and throwing Tom off balance. He fell to the ground. In his hand he clutched
a lock of Ren's hair. His slinky-dink remained out. Ren felt the illness
creep up again.

And then Louis stormed through the door.

"What is going on here?" Louis asked, as her turned towards Tom. "Tom, you
weren't stroking on my sister's face were you?"

"Well, soorrrrry, everyone is having fun but me. My fun was not being
acknowledged and I wanted to whitewash in Ren's hair, I'm sorry if I wanted
to whitewash in Ren's hair while she slept, Louis. Sorryrrrrrry. And that's
a sorry with eight Rs."

"Tom, Tom, you asked me if you could shoot in my sister's hair fifteen
minutes ago, and what did I say?"

"I've got a nosebleed. Nosebleeds mean that I am unhappy, and you will not be
able to go on the ski trip if I have a nosebleed."

"Exactly, and what did I want you not to do?"

"Whitewash in Ren's hair while she slept."

"And what did I tell you I'd get mad about if you did?"

"Whitewash in Ren's hair while she slept."

"And what did you end up doing?"

"Almost whitewashing in Ren's hair while she slept."

"Wait a minute, Tom, the door was locked. How did you get in here?" Ren

"The window. I crawled up the tree outside your house, opened it up, unlocked
your bedroom door, left through the window, walked back into the house,
walked up the stairs, and entered into your room through your bedroom door."

"Wha... why?"

"So I could whitewash in you hair whil..."

"No, why did you leave my room through my window?"

"Because I wanted to walk into your room so I could whi..."

"Yes, yes," Louis and Ren said at the same time. "Whitewash in Ren's hair
while she slept."

"Louis?" Ren said. "I blame you for all of this. The phone number to our
parent's hotel is right by the phone, and Donnie's hotel room where he's
staying on his baseball trip is in the same place. I'm going to call it
and end all of this, this, this, this..."

"Tiddlywinking?" Tom chimed in.

"Tom, for the love of all that is a apple-flavored Fruit Pie, be quiet and
Ren, please! Remember what happened during your last sleepover? You'll be in
as much trouble if they find about this as they would if it was just me.
Anyway, we got further complications that I need to address."

"Like what, Louis? What's worse than Tom Gribalski whitewashing on my face
while I sleep?"

"Ren, I just peeked into the next room, the Kitnas, the two sons and their
mother, they're making magic together. They're breaking every moral law.
Animals don't even do this, Ren, and I created an environment that encourages
it. They're, they're tiddlywinking in the next room-mom and son, and son.
What type of creature does this?"

The room fell silent. Ren, Louis, Tom (with his pants still around his
ankles), all contemplated the question. Ren began to open her mouth, but was
stopped by Louis.

"Other than Beans' parents."

And thus the three all contemplated until Ren demanded that Louis and Tom

Tom almost cried.


XI. The Parenting Manual, Which All Parents are Given Upon Birth of a Child,
States on Page One, "Why on Earth Did You Do This?" Page Two Contains the
Words, "The End."

Ah, the hardships of life as a single mother with a teenage daughter! Besides
the cooking of casseroles found on the back of Uncle Ben's Rice boxes, the
washing of clothes with Tide, and the waiting outside of the bathroom for
one's offspring to finish blow-drying, a single mother must also stress the
important priorities for that child to live by.

First "Babs" Mendel had to visit the school for a meeting with Rubs' Science
teacher. Even though Ms. Lovelson reported a dismal performance for that
semester, "Babs" still approved of her daughter's sleepover with Ren Stevens.
Books, facts, and an extremely anal brunette.* When these ingredients are
combined they make for an element of a passing grade besides Ruby Mendel's

(*Author's Note: It doesn't mean what you think it means. I like to think it
does, though. -Dimes)

The night of the sleepover, "Babs" opened Rubs' bedroom door and saw text
books scattered, pencils sharpened, and a periodic table of elements. Even
though she considered this image encouraging, she would have been much more
enthusiastic had her daughter and friend actually been present in the room.

No undergarments thrown haphazardly on chairs, though. That meant that, at
least, Ruby could still be wearing a pair. Could be.

One night of studying could have changed Ruby's entire future. Her little
girl could go to Harvard and major in something to be something. She didn't
know what that something would be, but Babs knew it could be great (or as
Tony the Tiger would say, "grrrrreeeeeeaaaaat!" Eat Frosted Flakes!"). She
thought about that one over Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee and a Dunkin' Doughnuts'
doughnut. It might had been the sugar and caffeine talking, but it made her
feel all warm inside like a Good Hearth bakery of good feelings and
pumpernickel bread. (6)

Babs called the Stevens' residence. She listened to the phone ring six more
times, then hung up.

Then she ate another Dunkin' Doughnuts donut. It was custard-filled.

Then she said it was great and you should buy one.

(Continued in part five . . .)

* * *


1. The mouths of the show's female cast were a hot topic among the head
executives of the Disney corporation. Some of the crew said that the three
main actresses' mouths (belonging to Lauren Frost, Christy Romano, and Margo
Harshman) were leading viewers to think inappropriately about the show's
content. "How did we find three girls with mouths THIS BIG? It's like we
tried to do it. Who had the final say on the casting, anyhow? Isn't it that
guy who wrote "Secret World of Girls"?"

The controversy began when a complaint letter was delivered to the Disney
Offices. The following is a verbatim transcribing of the letter:

"Dear Walt Disney,

Your show, Even Stevens, is immoral. That Ren girl's mouth is wide and my son
told me that he'd like to shove his cock up it. He only seven. I wond't tell
you what he said about the blonde friend and the brunette girl's mouths. It
involves sixe of his best friends, fishing lure, and a can o pruins. He
watches the show each day with his father. I don't know where he gets this
stuff. It has to be from the type of hussies you allow on your shows.

A Concerned Parent"

The Disney Corporation sent this reply:

"Dear Concerned Parent:

We're continually bettering our product for the sake of our viewers.
Therefore, we appreciate you bringing these issues to our attention.

But Walt Disney died in 1965; thus, we cannot forward the letter to him.


2. Between the end of the first season and the beginning of the second,
Christy Romano's breasts increased dramatically in size. Tabloid magazines
were in the midst of the Lindsay Lohan/breast implant controversy, and
Christy had a somewhat similar (but minor) scandal breakout. Though the
rumors were unfounded, the controversy continued, and "Even Stevens" ratings
peaked in the second and third season. When a Disney Executive saw this, he
tried to capitalize on the trend. However, Christy Romano was quoted as
replying, "No, I will not run in slow motion while wearing a sports bra."

3. According to a survey of "Even Stevens" viewers, men would most want to
ejaculate on Ren Stevens' face while she studies literature in a "Hooters"
outfit. Other options in the survey included "Ruby in curlers wearing a robe
as she paints her fingernails" and "Tawny listening to classical music while
feeding jellybeans to `Howlin' Hamster'."

4. A date with the stars of "Even Stevens" was a promotional tie-in with
"Teen Beat" magazine. Though the contest occurred, and the date happened, the
article documenting the meeting was never published. "Objectionable material
dealing with a light bulb" was cited as the reason.

5. A proposed "Even Stevens" Monopoly game was never produced. Concerns came
when Lauren Frost complained that "Ruby Mendel" would be "Baltic Avenue" and
"Mediterranean Avenue." "Why am I always the cheap and easy one?" she was
quoted as saying.

6. The strain of motherhood finds many women depressed. This is absolutely


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