Editor's Disclaimer: Let's get this straight. This story, is in no way,
suppose to be a slur against any of the actors or actresses from the show
that it is based on. It's meant to be a compliment. In fact, according to
previous disclaimers, it doesn't even depict real people or a real show,
which is why I placed a disclaimer on a previous part asking Disney not to
sue because it depicts a real show (with real people) that Disney

Edited by P.J. (Refer to the editor's glossary found in part one for
definitions of unclear terms.)

When possible, the author's original notes have been included.

Numbers by certain sentences indicate a corresponding note found at the
end of each part. The notes were included in 2006, years after the author's
initial writing in 2002.


Even Stevens: Reading Material for Your 11-Year-Old Nephew Part 6
by Dimes N. Nickels ([email protected])

XV. "Hey Uncle, I Read It and Why Doesn't Ruby Have No Clothes on So Much?
And Why Is She Always Mommy-Daddy Touching Her? Ruby Gots Ren's Hooters?
Yucky Hooters!"

Ren smooched Mr. Pookie on his fuzzy cheek, snuggled her nose into his
cottony cranium, and yawned. As her constant-companion nestled into her
chest, she mumbled, "Now, Pookie, don't you get any ideas" and rolled
onto her stomach to prevent any grubby paws. She apologized a wink later,
reminding him that "I love you so, so, so, so much," and rolled on her
back again. This time she held Mr. Pookie between her mounds where his
tongue unraveled on the left peak. His smile grew until the fabric in his
brown skin ripped.*

(*Author's Note: Ren is suppose to be very attractive. Did you catch
that? -Dimes)

Even with her window opened, and the constant risk of Tom invading her room
to do who-knows-what to her whose-knows-its, she welcomed whatever breeze
could tickle her toes. She had kicked her bed sheets to the floor, and had
shed her robe. There may have been a ruckus downstairs: guests whining about
the heat, guests splashing in the pool, guests getting hit over the head with
a purse; but Ren locked her door and decided to sleep the rest of the night
away. And as long as Beans didn't sneak in, she would be content with the
only man whom she trusted to lie with naked. By the time she would wake up,
the whole catastrophe would be over.

Boys with wowzers. Girls with humdingers. Mr. Pookie had no male appendage,
and he only had one eye. His peeper or a wowzer, I wonder which one Mr.
Pookie would want more, Ren thought. The answer alluded her, and as her head
melted into the pillow she said, "Marry me, Mr. Pookie" just before she
drifted into slumber. Her mouth repeatedly opened, stretching the limits of
her jaw each time she snored.*

(*Author's Note: I remember when I first saw Christy I said to myself, "She's
going to go far; she's got a huge mouth." -Dimes)

Because the previous one had been such a "success" and also because they're
an obligatory part of the sleeping process, Ren journeyed into another false
sense of reality. In this fabricated situation she wore a wedding dress,
while her stuffed confidant, Mr. Pookie, donned a tuxedo (apparently
purchased from the "Big and Monkey Store"). In a meadow with rows of chairs
positioned around her, and white strewed about, Steve Stevens walked his
daughter down the aisle, sobbing into his handkerchief and tightly wrapping
his arm around her limb. When the father and daughter reached the end, he
turned to her and said, "I know plenty of great guys who are human; they'll
love to go out with you. You are a great girl and you have a
fully-functioning liver, are you sure you want to do this?"

Ren glanced over to Mr. Pookie. She had propped him up before the ceremony,
but the wind had push him over. He rolled down the meadow.

"Daddy?" Ren asked, as a tear materialized in her eye.

"Yes, dumpling?"

"My husband is blowing away."

As Ren turned away from her father to the "Wedding-Day Mr. Pookie," she felt
a hand pinch her Christy-Romano. The touching of her back-end startled her
awake. Her eyelids flung open, and she looked at her sleeping partner by her
side. "Mr. Pookie, was that you? Did you come alive to feel me up?"

"Yes, I did," a husky voice said.

"Mr. Pookie? Oh my SweetTarts!"

"Ren Stevens, will you be my girlfriend?" the voice asked.

"I don't know, this is all so sudde..." Ren said, lifting herself off the
bed. "Well, maybe, if you have a good job and an income..."

Giggling transpiring, bed shaking, springs squeaking. Though what she was
doing on Ren's bed did not fit the usual activity attached to these
descriptions, Ruby Mendel still knew how to turn heads. Ren twisted around,
and discovered the culprit behind Mr. Pookie's speech, Ruby Mendel, perched
on the brink of her bed with feet dangling to the floor, and mud sticking
across the left side of her face. Her best friend acted out Mr. Pookie's
alleged voice one last time: "But we could be so happy together."

"Funny, Rubs."

"Ren, modeling this year's most attractive sleep wear, I see," Ruby said,
pinching Ren's cheeks again. "Now you know what it feels like, touchy."

"It's too dang hot in this house to sleep," Ren said, falling backwards on
her mattress. "By the way, how'd you get in my room?"


"You didn't climb up the tree did you?"

"Oh goodness no, Ren."

"Thank you."

"No, Tom's got a ladder set up, in fact he's watching right now," Ruby said
as she waved to the window.

By the time Ren glanced at the window, Tom had fallen, flailing his limbs off
the ledge. He screamed. It was loud. Ruby and Ren heard Louis barking orders
at him even as he begged for an ambulance.

"And where have you been?" Ren remarked. "You left me alone with those guys."

"Hey, while you were left with those two handsome, if a little stupid, boys,
I was off ding-a-linging their parents, and then I was off failing Science,
again, Ms. I-Have-It-So-Rough-Because-You-Get-Two-Handsome-Boys," Ruby
answered. "You know, my mom probably notices that I'm gone. She's probably
coming here right now. And you're complaining because of what? Because you
passed Science? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? About those
misfortunate ones whose parents say, 'I don't know what you forget more: the
answers to the test or your underwear!'"

"Oh, Ruby, be quiet, let me just tell you one thn..."

[Much of the scene omitted due to lack of hanky-panky. Replaced with an
unrelated, contrived-at this-very-moment, in-progress "Gilmore Girls" story:

Lorelai Gilmore unbuttoned Rory's blouse. Though the eighteen year-old knew
that Dean would be arriving at her front door, showering her with a bouquet
of birthday flowers, and ready to bring her out for a night on the town (the
best that Stars Hollow had to offer), young Rory agreed for her mother to
take off her top, along with the subsequent removal of her skirt.

"Mom, ohhhhh, I don't know about this. I heard of stuff, they're called laws,
and some of them prohibit this," Rory mumbled, as her mother dipped her hand
between her daughter's legs.

"Well, there's this new thing, it's called mommy licking daughter, and if
you don't be quiet and get your birthday gift, I'll just have to call up the
police and tell them that you need to be locked up and have the key thrown
away," Lorelai responded, and then drifted down to her daughter's treasured
hole, where she protruded her tongue and flicked until Lorelai III sent her
fingers through her mother's hair.

"Oh mommmy, I think I'm, I think I'm..."

"Well," Lorelai said. "As long as you don't leave, I'm sure you'll still get
a ribbon for 'Best Daughter at the Alabama State Fair."

"Ohhhh, mommmmy!!!"

"Ohhhhh Rory!"

"Rory!" a male voice screamed.

"Dean! It's not what you think!" Rory screamed upon hearing his voice, and
hiking her skirt back up.

Though her daughter's breakup was inevitable, Lorelai regretted nothing.

"Ask him if he wants to stay for seconds. Granted they will be sloppy,"
Lorelai announced.

"Okay, okay, now that you've told that huge story about finding a pot of gold
in the back yard, Beans eating it, but you already purchasing a trip to the
Miami Beach, and having to sell your parents home, all which happened between
you being outside and coming inside in a span of ten minutes, I understand,
Ruby, you had a rough night, too. Plus, all failing a class outside of school
and all."

Ruby twirled her finger around a loose string of fabric, occasionally
rounding her blue pupils towards Ren. (1)

"If I apologize, can I lay with you, Ren?" Ruby mumbled, whistling

"Fine, jump in," Ren said, then rolled over. "Ruby, I'm sorry I've been so
wound up, it's all Bobby and Louis and you having a ding-a-ling..."

"What?" Ruby asked, as she placed her head on Ren's chest.


"Ren, look, it's not your fault your brother sold your bracelet, or that
your brother is kind of a pest. Don't blame yourself for that, or for the

"Well, I do blame Louis for the bracelet," Ren admitted. "And you know, if I
can, and I can, and I do, I blame Louis for the breakup, too."

"I didn't understand a whole lot of what you just said, but remember, it's
not his fault that he's annoying. It's something about genetics or

"Genetics? Ruby, I didn't know you knew about genetics. I didn't know you
knew the word genetics."

"I think it has something to do with boxygen, ostraydeium and parallax."

A short moment of silence followed Ruby's last sentence. Ren brushed Ruby's
hair off her face. Ruby spooned Ren. They both heard a plate crashing. Then
people screaming.

"Why do you smell like seaweed?" Ren asked. "And also like Tom's dinner

Ruby stood up, and tried to kiss Ren, but the brunette shied away by placing
Mr. Pookie in the middle of her oncoming embrace.

"I get it, I get it--I'll take a shower."

Ruby walked to the door, and just as she was about to open it, she turned
back around.

"Ren, are there any cute guys in summer school?"

Ren nodded. Their hearts became one drum, pumping the desire Ruby had with
any boy who would lavish fluids on her face. One look, one blown kiss, one
ache to hold each other despite society's refusal. The perspiration glistened
on Ren's chest and sizzled with Ruby's lustful glaze. Their love was one that
could not be denied or separated.

That was, until Ruby raised her arm and caught a whiff of the stench under
her armpit. Ms. Mendel gagged as she had done numerous time before (albeit
for different reasons), dismissed Ren by the slamming the door behind her,
and repeatedly told herself that there had better be scented soaps in the

XVI. "And I Have Proof of the Show's Appeal. This is From a Viewer: 'I
Remember When I First Saw an Episode of 'Even Stevens.' All I Thought was
that I'd Love to See Christy Gnawing on Me.'"

It all began moments after Ren heard the water running in the shower. The
intelligent brunette tucked the Downy-soft fallen sheets around her chest,
grabbed Mr. Pookie, and stared at the slightly-opened door. Though the house
had been home to a long-lasting commotion, Stevens Manor, by that time, had
significantly quieted like a night of slumber from a Craftmatic Adjustable
Bed. The day was about over, and the bright-red digits on her Sony clock
reinforced this idea. Ren Stevens sighed.

However, a knocking at the door disturbed any tranquility. Before she could
refuse his entrance, or push him out the door, or maybe the window, Louis
dragged himself into her room, Kleenex tissue in both nostrils (thank
goodness for that), and sat on her bed. Though she initially threw pencils
(while the lamp was in reach, she decided against destroying any further
furniture), Louis weathered the assault by holding his hand above his face.
"Hey, Ren, cool it, I brought a glass of Country Time lemonade for you, just
like the kind grandma used to make."

"I bet you had Tom make it."

"Actually, I just found it on a table. It's someone else's. But I did bring
it up here for you. At least half way. I found Beans and tucked it in his
shorts for much of the way. I did walk with him, well, most of the way,
actually I piggybacked for some, maybe more than some, maybe all..."

He apologized. He apologized for what had happened over the last few hours,
he blamed himself for the family bonding in the next room, and for Mrs.
Manning's assault on her husband, for asking Ren to humdinger the guests,
and for selling Ren's bracelet.

"That's very mature of you," Ren acknowledged.

"Actually, I blame Tom, come to think about it."

"Blame him for what?"

"All of it."

He handed her a "Quasi" shoe box, which she opened, and found dollar bills
scattered inside.

"I feel, you know, when it hurts inside?" Louis said.


"Yeah, I feel bad for selling your bracelet, and I know I don't have money
to pay it all back, and I can't sell back the monkey, because, you know, the
pet-store guy said it's only good alive, but you can have the profits from
the crew's extra activities. I'll give you the rest of what we earn

"But Louis, what about the ski trip?"

"Oh, we didn't make enough tonight to go, anyway."

"Louis, had you received enough cash to go, would you still have paid me

"Ren, I could answer that truthfully, and I could also lie, but I can also
not answer that at all, which is what I'm going to do," Louis said, standing
up and stretching. "What a night, huh, Ren? Still it was kind of fun."

"Louis, you told me, a sixteen-year-old girl, to humdinger a guest, which I
did, in your makeshift bed and breakfast, and you've been bleeding profusely
from your nose for the past three hours."

"Well, could've been four hours."

"Good night, little brother."

"Night, sis."

With his head down, Louis wandered out of the room, scratching his cranium,
limping from his bruised leg, and feeling blood dry under his nostrils. He
shut the door behind him, but forgot his foot was still in the doorway, and
ended up enveloping his limb between the two objects. He jumped on his
uninjured foot the remainder of the stairs.

A minute and a spastic itch later, Ren followed Louis downstairs, trailing
behind the sound of painful moaning to the living room. Louis, outstretched
on the couch, held his stomach. Ren watched him from the stairway of the
living room. With her lips still moist with Country Time lemonade, Ren
clutched her Martha Stewart Living blanket (found at all great participating
K-Mart retailers) around her chest, waltzed into the room and slouched down
before her brother. "You tried your best, Louis."

"Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't try to open up a bed and breakfast in my
parents' house. In hindsight it was a bad idea."

"You're just wound-up, Louis, you need to stop blaming yourself for stuff."
Ren thought about it, then spoke again. "Well, actually tonight is the first
time you ever took responsibility for anything, so it's good, but still, just
calm down. I know. I did this before, too. Look, put it this way, they tried
this on 'Boy Meets World' and 'USA High' and they both failed, too."

"Really, Ren?"

Ren leaned in and kissed her brother's leg.

"Ren?" Louis asked, inching backwards from his sis' lips. "Ren, we're not the
Kitna family, you've only hugged me twice before, and one of those times was
because you came home from the dentist and you were so happy off the gas that
you thought I was Santa Claus."

Ren unzipped her brother's pants, and pulled them down to his knees. Though
his mind rejected the idea, he physically found himself appreciative of the
touching. He sat in his white BBD skivvies, with his ding-a-ling pushing
against the fabric's constraint. A small wet puddle developed at the top of
the enlarged portion. Ren leaned up, and with her brown eyes staring right
at Louis' nervous flickering, sucked in through the material. (2)

The Stevens sister slumped his underwear down to his knees, grabbed his
growing ding-a-ling, and rubbed it against her cheek. Even though Louis
enjoyed this action (trying to combat his butterflies by biting his nails),
he was unprepared for when she took a few strands of her Pantene-enriched
hair and wrapped them around his member. With the silky mane in her palm,
she stroked.

"Ren, this is, this is," Louis stuttered. "Oh, goodness, Hostess Powdered

Ren Stevens dipped the head of her brother's wowzer into her thick, warm,
molasses-esque, saliva-filled mouth.

XVII. "This Story is Lagging. Add a Horse. A Black Horse. A BIG BLACK HORSE.
But Make it Sixteen Big Black Horses. Then Make It About Ren Volunteering at
a Horse Stable, and She Falls Asleep in a Stable and the Sixteen Big Black
Horses Mount Her. Then Make Her Nine Years Old." - More Probable Feedback.

Bagel-mounds. Ticker-tape-parade. Romper-room. During the course of her
shower, Ruby washed each intimate area with a towel, Johnson & Johnson Baby
Formula shampoo, and unscented Ivory soaps. Arms raised. Water dispersed.
Her hands cruised her curves, and fingered her figure. The soap bubbles
burst on her tummy, tickling her into a smile as large as her cheeks would
allow to be extended. Prior to the shower, Ruby worried that a family of
tadpoles had slithered between her perfectly round Christy-Romano, and bred
without her consent. After a sound washing between her thighs, Ruby found
that worry unfounded (though she did like the idea of a tadpole slithering
up her stream).*

(*Author's Note: While this author has to (reluctantly) end the shower scene,
Dimes N. Nickels promises to write a follow-up story, "Ruby Mendel Takes a
Shower" (trademarked, copyright, I own it). He is sure that the completion of
all nine parts of the story will be met with undying admiration. -Dimes)

Nevertheless, bad segues are like hummingbirds, and though the faint sound
of spousal abuse could still be heard from the Manning's room, the house
remained mostly quiet. Ruby turned the shower off, tied her robe around her
waist, and with her skin still sticky from the puppy-paw-sized water goblets,
she tied a robe around her stomach and left the bathroom with bare feet
screeching across the floor.

She ventured downstairs, trotting that beautiful glow behind her. The guests
had headed off to bed, and the Stevens Manor crew called it a night. Tom and
Twitty sat at the a kitchen table, shirts untucked, sucking on straws from
glasses of Minute Maid orange juice and lemonade.

"Where's Beans?" one of them asked.

"Beans?" the other one answered. "Who's Beans?"

Ruby wandered past them, blowing a kiss, which was caught by Tom (who managed
to make a comment about Ruby's outdoor bare essentials, to which Ruby replied
by sticking her finger in her mouth, faking choking, then faking death, and
then stopping because she was legitimately afraid of actual regurgitation).
Her duties, she concluded, were over for the night. She continued grinning,
thinking of the high demand of her talents, but her skirt had to remain up
from this point on. That is if she had a skirt. She had a pair of jeans. She
lost those, though, in the pool. (3)

Just as Ruby was about to turn into the living room, she took a step back,
hovered her hand over her mouth, and laughed. Then she looked again. While
Ruby's eyes remained fixated on the living-room happenings, she was joined
by Tawny who stumbled into the hallway and leaned against the wall.

"Hey, Tawn, didn't know you were here," Ruby said, while temporarily averting
her eyesight from the spectacle in the living room. "What happened to your

"They're thrown across the floor of the Channel 12 bed-and-breakfast
reviewer's room," Tawny answered.

"Well, yeah, Tawny, yeah, that's super," Ruby said, as she mouthed the word

"We're going to get in trouble. We're going to get caught. That reviewer
called our parents. I just know she did."

"Well, of course she did."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you ever watch 'Boy Meets World'? It's on the Disney Channel every
weekday at 5/4 central. They did this on that show too, minus all the
bam-boom, and got caught. We have to get caught. If we didn't, what kind of
message would we be sending to all the kids watching us?"

"What kind of message have we sent so far?"

"Tawny, it's about seventy-eight pages too late for messages. After all, why
did Louis suddenly feel bad about Ren's bracelet? What triggered that? Who
knows? It's not like this is the most well-written episode."*

(*Author's Note: Harsh, but true. -Dimes)

They both nodded.

"You ever get the feeling that everyone is taking advantage of you? Like they
just want you for as long as it helps them, then you get discarded?" Tawny

Ruby turned to Tawny, adorned her hand on the other girl's shoulder, tilted
her head, and answered, "You have no idea, Tawny Dean."

Then she took her hand off of Tawny's shoulder, and returned to ogling the
living room.

"What are you watching anyway? What's going on in there?" Tawny asked,
turning to the open door. "Is that Louis and Ren?"

"Yeah, I remember when they couldn't even perform at the talent show together
without some sort of injury, now look at them, he's about to humdinger that
Christy-Romano, probably arrive all over that romper-room,"* Ruby said.

(*Author's Note: This line makes no sense whatsoever. Neither does this one:
Capt'n Crunch Pippy Super-Stockings Foregoing Romano Butt-cheeks. Better not
replace one for the other.)

"Isn't that typical? I spent all night trying to impress Louis, and look,
he'd rather choose his own biological sister over me."

"Tawny, I learned something tonight. I learned that it's pointless to try
to pass Science class. Science class is someone else's science, not mine.
Sometimes we just have to develop our own science, and market it as a
superior form of science," Ruby said, glancing at Tawny's tiny figure, and
her protruding romper-room. (4)

With Tawny's back to her, Ruby raised an eyelash, curled her lip, and kissed
Tawny's shoulder, while running her hands around the brunette's waist. Tawny
tightened up and pressed her own arms to her body.

"Ruby, wha... what are you doing?"

"Kissing you, stupid," she replied while sticking her tongue out.

"Ruby, last time I did this with another woman, it resulted in Twitty
reciting Hilary Duff lyrics."

"Your shoulder tastes like blueberry, just like Smucker's blueberry jelly,"
she giggled.

"But what would Louisa May Alcott say, I mean what about Syl.."

Ruby put her finger over Tawny's lips.

"No one wants to hear that anymore."

Ms. Mendel removed her finger, and "shhhhhhh-ed."

"Um, Ruby, is there anything you'd like to ask me," Tawny whispered as she
pressed against Ruby, and leaned forward with her lips dangling closely to
the bee-spun pair modeled by Ruby Mendel.

"Yes," Ms. Mendel answered.


"What's a parallax?"

Without their lips touching, Ruby and Tawny extended their tongues, and
twirled around each others like a pair of Nancy Adams Confections' gummy fish
tied in a knot. They wiggled and slapped. And when they had manufactured
enough spit, Tawny and Ruby combined their saliva into a string that ran down
to the floor.*

(*Author's Note: I'm really into spit. -Dimes)

XVIII. Write a Book Report about this Story for Your Class.

It sunk down her throat. Repeatedly. Ren Stevens, who two hours before
couldn't swallow a carrot without gagging, downed Louis' heavy, six-inch
wowzer without so much as a tickle. Her sparkling-star perspiration gathered
in spots on her forehead.* When her droplets dripped down, and lavished the
already-glistening humdinger, Ren digested the salty garnish on top of the
main course.

(*Author's Note: You use the word "perspiring" a lot. You also use "sweat" a
lot. And when I say you, I mean me. -Dimes)

Ren's quarter-sized, hazel eyes trailed Louis' squirms. However, instead of
visually experiencing the highest clouds of heaven (made of Charmin toilet
paper; the kind that babies bounce on when they're through playing with
Crayola crayons on Mead construction paper while listening to the upcoming
record by Hilary Duff, "Metamorphosis") one could ever wish to partake in,
Louis had his eyelids shut. When Ren spotted this, the orally-forgiving
angel removed him from her mouth, screamed an objection, and continued to
suck only when Louis could hold his attention squarely on the
shoulder-length-haired bookworm (who loved to shop at Barnes & Nobel).

"The bathtub with the ducky, Ren, you're the one, Ren, you make bath time
lost of fun. Oh, anddddd buy the recently remastered version of "The Lady and
the Tramp" on DVD featurrrrrrinnnng, ohhhhhhhhhhh, commentary by the original
animators!!!!!!! Ren you're the best!!!!" Louis moaned.

Ren Stevens abided by many mottos. However, "fit in as many as you possibly
can" was not one she ever heard her mother say. (Though, for the record, she
did hear her mother, Eileen Stevens, scream, "How can I possibly not fit any
more in there?" during a closed-door New Years party.) In place of the
aforementioned adage, Ren chose "never back down from a challenge," and
widened her mouth upon the inclusion of Alan Twitty. The fresh participant
briskly tapped his seven-inch slinky-dink on her cheek, to which she
responded by pulling Louis out of her mouth, and grabbing Twitty's erect

(*Author's Note: After the past controversy involving mouths, perhaps it'd
be better to have Twitty and Louis stuff it up her nostril. Noses are an
untapped feature for evaluating attractiveness. -Dimes)

Though the smile never left her face, Ren Stevens curled her lip and gave her
best raised eyebrow to the participants.

"Oh, I see what you're doing, you think you can make me look foolish or
untalented, just like the time at school with Bobby two hours ago, but guess
what? I'll take on all of you, and I'll show you up, I'll show you all up!
Eat a Hostess cherry pie, Bobby, you can't blame me for this anymore!"

Twitty and Louis looked at one another and shrugged.

Ren dived into Twitty's humdinger, collapsing her lips around the head. It
swelled. She closed her eyes. And with an inner grunt, Ren pushed forward,
engulfing him until her nose met Twitty's stomach. Her lungs demanded air,
but when they attempted to inhale, Ren scrunched her brow, and held herself
in place for an extra three seconds. As she treated herself to Twitty, Ren's
hand continually stroked Louis.

Jimmy and Timmy had mounted her. The twin brothers had placed her in a
position that she had to accommodate. Bobby performed the same insidious act
when he gave away passes to her fillings. Well, just like she wouldn't submit
the "Volunteer of the Month" award to Adrienne Dumore, Ren Stevens decided to
not allow Twitty or Louis to deny her of any satisfaction.

That was her hand. That was her mouth. That was her soaking whose-knows-its.

No more oppression for Ren Stevens. No more orders for Ren Stevens. And in
celebration of this liberation, Ren sucked Twitty's hanging package of oval
baggage. (5)

"Dude, this is your sister, we used to, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, hide worms in her
bed, dude, now look at her, and right in front of you no less! Are you sure
you're fine with this? Are you sure you're fine with me being with her?"
Twitty asked.

"Dude, I'm related to her, and I haven't objected yet, and look where I am!
If I would have stopped, don't you think I would have stopped this before she
devoured me?"

"That's true," Twitty answered. "Remember those times we would try to guess
the size of her mouth? Because it always looked so super huge?"

"Oh, man, we weren't even close."

"Hey, hey, settle down you two," Ren sang. "I'll take even more on, then you
can gauge how big my mouth really is."

Just as she proclaimed her challenged, Ren noticed a third member join the
fray from out of her peripheral vision. She detached herself from Twitty's
baggage (reluctantly, though; rolling the marble-like object in her mouth
reminded her of sucking on an Everlasting Gobstopper), and as her mouth was
about to welcome the new participant, Ren ceased.

"Tom, get out of here," Ren said, wiping the spit falling down her chin.

Tom pulled up his pants, and with his face flustered with red embarrassment,
fought back tears as he spoke.

"I just want you to know that you've all been very, very mean to me. Your
excessive ridicule and abuse has brought me to discharge from my eyes. I hope
you're all very happy with yourselves."

Tom burst out of the room, holding his arm in front of his face.

Ren, Twitty and Louis watched his eventful exit. This outburst lasted only
a second before Ren pulled Twitty close enough to Louis for both of their
wowzers to touch. At first, Ren played around with the two extended
slinky-dinks, flinging them around, but she eventually stopped. With the
wowzers side-by-side, Ren devoured both simultaneously.

Her oral exhibition lengthened the size of her mouth, and consequently, her
smile. They teetered on Ren's molars and stormed forward into her throat
cavities. Louis and Twitty's assumed size of Ren's mouth was now even further

She could now accommodate an entire Granny Smith apple.

And she never even choked.

Ren Stevens put her mind to it, like she did for all other challenges, and
she accomplished it.

Nonetheless, Ren Stevens still found herself thirsty, and wished that Louis
and Twitty's pre-arrive could have been made of Gatorade.

She had that deep-down body thirst.

XIX. Ren Stevens / Walks down / a Street / Windy and Sunny / Ninety-nine
Degrees / All Her Underwear / in the Wash.

With their hands interlocked, and their fingers in a bow, Ruby and Tawny
ventured out of the hallway and to the living room couch. Even though she
voluntarily accompanied Ruby, Tawny still followed with shuffling feet and
chattering teeth. And with her outward nerves apparently not completely
conveying the message that she was uncomfortable, Tawny was pushed on the
couch by Ruby. The poet of Lawrence High School felt the rumbling in her
tummy grow from suggestion to a demand to leave the room.

Though Tawny hesitated by holding her arms up to deflect any oncoming
admiration, Ruby slunk down and slid her tongue up the length of Ms. Dean's
thigh. She initially pushed Ruby off, but when she noticed Louis taking his
attention away from his sister to watch, Tawny embraced the affection, and
allowed Ruby to investigate the tight shape of her bulging romper-room.

However, when Ruby ducked between her partner's flesh and the seat cushion to
combine her tongue with Tawny's butt-crack, the brunette fell off the couch,
waving her arms in the air, and landing on her back. Ms. Dean blushed, held
her brown hair in front of her face to hide herself, and cursed her decision
to have her first girl-girl experience (or for that matter, her first
humdinging experience ever) in front of her first crush.* Any sympathy was
lost on Ruby, as Ms. Boy's-Stall rubbed her hands together, said something
about "lunch" then ran off in a frenzy, screaming at Tawny to just "wait

(*Author's Note: It seems odd that Tawny would be so reluctant inside of the
living room, when she was more accepting outside. Uh-oh. UH-OH. -Dimes)

Tawny took a peek above the couch arm. All girls were the girls at the lunch
table, Tawny concluded. Even blood-relatives. It was this kind of logic that
prompted, without any internal deduction or reasoning, Tawny to screech, "Ren
Stevens you hussy!" Immediately, the hussy glanced over, but Tawny hid back
under the couch arm. "Hussy?" Tawny whispered to herself.

"Hey, Tawny, look what I have! Now, it's kind of slimy, but just think of it
as eating a banana split with your whose-knows-its," Ruby exclaimed, as she
returned armed with a strap-on slinky-dink. "All you have to do is put your
foot through here. Isn't that dreamy?"

As she lifted her leg, creating creases in her vanilla skin that bundled up
around her waist, Ruby hopped on one foot. The robe she wore trickled off
her shoulders, unveiling her often-viewed-and-well-reviewed Tinkerbelle-like
figure. Though she couldn't fly like her body structure's namesake, Ruby
Mendel still defied gravity with her heavy bagel-mounds that sprung with each
hopscotch jump.*

(*Author's Notes: Bagels are so mother-humdinging hot. -Dimes)

"Just what is that?" Tawny asked.

"Louis? Shmouis! After you find what I can do with this thing!" the blonde
goddess said, adjusting the strap, tightening it around her torso, and
slapping her hands together while winking towards laying prey. "You'll love
it! I'm just dying to try it out on you."

Tawny covered her eyes with her hand, and though she thought that Ruby had
her best interest in mind, the brunette still peered through the cracks of
her divided fingers periodically with premonitions of utter awe. Each free
glimpse saw Ruby strutting closer to Tawny's prone body, until Ruby appeared
above her, rolling Ms. Dean stomach-first onto the arm of the couch. Slumped
over the fringe of the furniture, with her romper-room wobbling in Ruby's
face, Tawny now had a straight view of Louis. The two unrequited lovebirds
glared at one another. Then Ruby shoved the slinky-dink into her
ticker-tape-parade, inspiring Tawny to roar, which, in return, inspired Louis
to hide the side of his face.

"Mmmm-hmmm," Ruby vocalized her growing hunger. "That's it, Tawny, let it
out! Let it out, darling!"

Ruby clasped her hands around Tawny's neck, squeezing until her fingernails
made indents into Tawny's colorless skin. Though unintentional, Tawny found
that she could gain Louis' attention by screaming after each thrust Ruby
performed. The poet lifted her chest off the furniture, showcasing her
hanging muffins, that, even though they could not completely adorn a large
B-cup bra, still hung with great weight.

When Ruby leaned down, she kissed Tawny's back. A tongue up the length of
her spine. With an additional thrust, their thighs collided. Collided with
an Eggo waffle-paddle-like velocity. They simultaneously swore, reflecting
the enduring feeling with a "dang."

Ruby repositioned her hand, moving from Tawny's neck to her chest, and
clutching the cinnamon-rolls. However, during Ruby's reconfiguring of her
bodily parts, she fell forward, inadvertently trampling Tawny's back. While
she apologized ("Wow, Tawn, I'm sorry about that or something, just let me
get my hands in here"), Ruby's words did little to alleviate the crushing
pain of Tawny's back bending in three directions. Ruby kissed the nape of
her neck while slobbering until it slid down to the pillow.

"Oh Hostess treats and all other berry-filled pastries, I sure hope Ren
doesn't see that," Ruby thought under her breath.

Ren, out of some woman's intuition, looked away from Louis and squinted
towards Ruby. While grunting and aggressively pounding away, Ruby
nonchalantly whistled and rolled her eyes.

Tawny's head was in a dizzy. Many times she mouthed the word "stop" and
"slow down" but she'd cough instead or just bite down on the couch. Though
the fabric did not share the same refreshing watermelon flavor of any 7-11
Smoothie she ever drank, Tawny still pierced the false-stain-resistant
coating on the couch and sucked in. It tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet; but
the kind of sweet that came from digesting a plastic wrapper.*

(*Author's Note: This description is perfect for all those people who eat
plastic wrappers and know exactly the taste. -Dimes)

Ruby lunged her fairy face into Tawny's neck. Her legs ached. It felt like
when she had to run the mile in gym, when, halfway through, while the novelty
of watching her sweaty classmates jogging by her ceased, she realized that
she couldn't just flash her bagels to the teacher to end the race. She
learned that she couldn't remove her clothing to pass Science, either. Ruby
realized that her future went beyond just spreading her legs and showing
fancy undergarments. It all hit her so suddenly, while in the middle of
humdinging the girl who performed her original poem, "Crying Makes Sheep
Twiddle" for the talent show.

"Oh, Ruby, oh Ruby! Humdinger me! Humdinger me!" Tawny screamed, making Louis
turn his attention away from Ren's mouth-o-love. (6)

"Yes, Tawny, yes Tawny! You spunky little piece of cherry pie! Take it all.
You're so spunky!" Ruby cried, slapping her hand across backside.

"I'm going to, I'm going to..." Tawny announced.

Ruby took her thirty-second thrust, transforming Tawny's sprouting fuse into
a firework. Tawny reached back, and in a tangle of blonde and brown hair that
dipped into her mouth, howled loud enough to wake up the remaining guests.

"I'm arriving Ruby! Ruby! Ohhhhh, soooo hard, Ruuuuuubbbbyyyyy!"

"Yes, yes, let it go you little plum tart!"

As Tawny's body vibrated with exiting arrivals, Ruby's plugging decreased
until she finally released the soaked, sticky slinky-dink from out of the
high-school ticker-tape-parade.

Ruby meowed. She felt like floating.

Tawny opened her eyes. She felt like fainting.

Louis looked right at Tawny. Their stare morphed their respective retinas and
pupils into pink hearts and sparkling diamonds. They could see each other's
heart beating.

They felt like the last remaining Fruit Loops in a bowl of milk.

Twitty thought that Ren's tongue was gnarly.

He felt like arriving all over her face.

(Continued in part seven...)


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