Last time I reposted, I had retrieved a copy of this story from the
"Backdrop" archive. I posted from the archived copy, not knowing that
it had been corrupted (there were a couple of paragraphs from a "Cheers"
story -- not mineat all -- and a minor section of my story had been
Also, Celeste pointed out a typographical error that my spell-check had
missed. Thanks for the pointer and the "tens", Celeste!
This posting corrects those errors.
Last point: A sharp reader pointed out to me that 99's name was never
given on the show, and that when 99 used the name Susan Hilton, she also
claimed that wasn't her real name.
Well, I'm not Mel Brooks, so I rely on a reference volume, "The Complete
Directory to Prime Time Network TV Shows" by Tim Brooks & Earle Marsh.
That book said that 99's name was Susan Hilton.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The Pornographic Classic Television Network Presents:
= ______ _____ =
= / _ _|_ (_____ _ _ _ _ _|_ =
= \______| (Z | ______) | | | (_| | | =
= "Fok the Goddess" =
= Original Material Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. =
THIS STORY IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE. IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE, YOU
SHOULD NOT BE IN THIS NEWSGROUP. WE SHOULD TELL YOUR MOMMY.
Susan Hilton rolled over in the bed, her nude body sliding between the
sheets. She relished this chance to relax; her profession allowed so
little time to herself. But she did work with very good people -- one,
specifically (to use the vernacular the kids were using) "turned her on".
One hand moved over her breast, tweaking her nipple to a peak of hardness,
while the other hand slipped down to her groin, her middle finger locating
the sensitive clit.
"Mmmmmmmmm," she moaned, stroking herself as she thought of him. "Oh, yes,
Max... Oh, Max!"
The phone rang.
She reached over and picked up the receiver, still slowly caressing her
clit. "Oh, hello, Max. I was just thinking about you."
"99, The Chief wants to see us immediately."
"Of course he does. He always wants us immediately."
Her body was reacting to her touch; she was on the edge of orgasm.
"Oh, and Max..." But Max was gone. She hung up the phone and pinched her
nipple again, just as the contractions began in her lower abdomen.
"Oh, Max..." she muttered. "Ohhhhhhhhhh!"
And now a word from our sponsor:
The late sixties was a wonderful time for espionage.
It was part of the paranoia of the times. The Cold War flourished, and the
most popular movies and tv shows featured spies. This was the golden age
for James Bond and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. It was also the heyday for
Mel Brooks and Buck Henry created this spy spoof series, which featured Don
Adams as Maxwell Smart, aka Agent 86, a bumbling super-spy, who had a
telephone in his shoe. Brooks would later go on to create the films
"Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein", brilliant parodies of genre
films, most recently with "Dead and Loving It", a parody of the Dracula
legends. Buck Henry is better known as an actor, but has also produced
some brilliant work.
"Get Smart" ran on NBC from 1965-1969, then moved to CBS to run another
season. It was the basis for a theatrical reunion movie ("The Nude Bomb"),
and a couple of tv-reunion movies, and a later revival series.
Barbara Feldon played Agent 99, who was paired with Smart in
his adventures. The pair fell in love, and married during the '68-'69
season; the next season, after the show moved from NBC to CBS, 99 gave
birth to twins, a boy and a girl.
Years later, the baby boy of those twins became the basis for a revival
of the series on the FOX network.
This story is set in 1966, early in the series run.
Now back to our story:
Maxwell Smart pulled up in front of the apartment building in his red
convertible. He peered up toward 99's window, then glanced cautiously in
all directions, making sure no danger was around. Life as a secret agent
was difficult -- having to be constantly alert.
He was so busy keeping watch, he was startled when the door to the car
opened, and 99 climbed in.
"Morning, Max," 99 said, cheerfully.
"Morning, 99." Max started the car, and pulled out into traffic.
"Any idea what the Chief has in mind?"
"None whatsoever," Max said, crisply.
99 sat quietly in her seat, despite Max's near-misses and excessive speed.
She knew better than touch anything in the car; once she had tried to turn
on the radio, and Max had barely disarmed the ejection seat mechanism in
time to keep her from being vaulted out of the car.
She closed her eyes, and thought back to her fantasies of the morning. A
smile crept over her lips at the irony; here she was in a car with the man
she had fantasized about, but she had to rely on her own visions.
She felt herself relax and soften, her legs parting slightly in her
miniskirt. She felt a breeze of cool air high on her thigh. She opened
her eyes a crack, and saw that Max's attention was distracted from the
A horn -- the car swerved again. 99 straightened up, smoothing her skirt
back over her leg.
Max spoke not a word, but frowned out at the traffic. 99 turned to look
out the side of the car.
They soon arrived at CONTROL Headquarters. The two agents climbed
out of the car, and looking around in all directions, they dialed in their
identification numbers in the pay telephone on the corner. A door,
cleverly disguised as part of a billboard, opened.
Again making sure the coast was clear, they entered the door, which closed
Six more doors, and another pay telephone. 99 went into the booth first,
dialed her identification number, and hung up the phone. The high-speed
elevator dropped the floor out from under her, and descended the ten
stories to the lobby of headquarters.
A minute later, Max joined her, and they passed through the metal-detectors
and another identification clearance. They were issued their Agent
namebadges, and walked toward the Chief's office.
The Chief was talking with Hymie as the two agents entered. "Glad you
could make it," the Chief nodded. "Have a seat, 86." He nodded toward
Hymie, who turned crisply on his heel and left the room.
"Is this a secret conversation?" Max asked. "Should we use the Cone of
The Chief shook his head. "Not necessary, Max. This conversation is
"Drat," Max grimaced. "I LIKE the Cone of Silence."
The Chief shook his head slowly. "99, sit down. You're in on this, too."
99 sat down next to Max. Max sneaked a peek out of the corner of his eye,
as her skirt raised over her knee. 99 caught the small movement of Max's
head, and tugged her skirt a little lower.
"Here's the information we have," The Chief began, shoving a thick folder
across the desk.
Agents 86 and 99 strolled through the airport toward their plane to South
"Remember, 99, we're supposed to be a married couple," Max muttered.
She blinked back at him. "I know, Max." They walked a few more steps, and
she asked, smiling, "Does that mean I'm supposed to carry your bag?"
Max grinned back at her. "One moment, 99. I'd better check with Agent
He stepped over to the side of the corridor, where there was a row of small
airport lockers. He fished in his pocket for a key, located locker number
13, and opened the door.
Agent 13, cramped into the small space, peered up at him.
"Any word from headquarters?" Max asked.
"As a matter of fact, there is," 13 nodded. "You are to wait before
boarding the plane. Hymie is joining you."
Max frowned. "The robot? What do we need the robot for?"
13 shook his head. "Don't know. I just repeats 'em, I don't write 'em."
Max nodded. "Thanks, 13." He closed the door.
"Sorry about that, 13."
Max rejoined 99, and they started toward the gate again.
"We're to wait for Hymie at the gate," Max whispered.
"Hymie? The robot?
They both turned at the sound of a mechanical whirr and click.
A small boy was playing with a toy robot on the other side of the hallway.
Max and 99 looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Max was beginning to get a little impatient. He stood at a railing,
looking out at the concourse, watching the other passengers board the plane
-- his flight. He drummed his fingers on the railing.
"He'll be here soon," 99 whispered.
"He had better be," Max frowned. "We'll have to leave without him."
"A-hem," a voice behind them said.
Max and 99 turned to face Hymie. "That's not a very convincing
throat-clearing," Max frowned.
"Sorry," Hymie said. "I'm working on it."
"Come on," 99 said, taking Max's arm. "Let's get on the plane."
They presented their boarding passes to the stewardess, and found their
seats. Almost immediately, the doors were closed, and the plane rolled out
toward the taxiway.
99 pretended to sleep. She snuggled up with her pillow, leaning against
the window to her right.
She was very conscious of the positions of her legs, though. Her right
foot was perched on the footrest, raising her right knee above the left.
Seemingly in her sleep, she allowed her left knee to move left, until it
brushed Max's right leg.
Her short skirt slid higher, revealing her naked upper thighs.
She heard Max gasp. She smiled slightly. "Come on, Max," she thought.
She felt Max stand up and opened her eye a crack. He was getting something
out of the overhead compartment... a blanket! He sat back down, and spread
the blanket over the two of them. Then, suddenly, she felt his hand on her
He paused, apparently waiting for a response from her. She continued to
pretend to sleep. Max's hand slowly crept upward, sliding along her inner
thigh, to her crotch. Now his fingers pressed gently against her mons
99 moaned softly. Max's fingers froze.
She moved slowly, "in her sleep". She shifted in her seat, pushing her
hips forward, and moving her legs a little farther apart. She "snored"
When she stopped moving, Max's fingers continued their exploration. They
slid down between her legs, touching her slit through her panties. He
stroked her clit gently.
99 felt herself softening. Opening her eye a crack, she studied Max's
face. He was looking away from what he was doing. On his other side was
Hymie, who was in a power-saving mode, his head tilted forward in
Max's fingers became bolder; he pushed the thin fabric of her silken
panties aside. Slipping lower, they insinuated themselves between her
99 moaned softly -- involuntarily -- as Max's fingers froze again. She
shifted slightly, opening herself a little more, then returned to the
Max's finger slid inside her; her pussy was getting wet. He paused a
moment, then moved his finger out and in again. 99 cracked her eyes open
just a slit. She watched his face as he fingered her.
She felt herself tighten; a familiar warmth sweeping through her pelvis,
working its way out. She gasped as her orgasm swept through her, her
eyes clamped shut as her vagina clasped at Max's finger.
As the contractions slowed, she opened her eyes. Max's face was inches from
hers, his eyes looking directly into hers.
She reached over into Max's lap. He was unzipped, his other hand wrapped
around a nicely-sized, fully erect penis.
99 pushed his hand away, and took over. She began to stroke his cock slowly,
sensuously. She whispered in Max's ear, "Tell me when you're..."
"Now!" Max breathed. "NOW!"
99 slipped her head under the blanket, sliding her lips around the head of
Just in time.
Her mouth filled with Max's salty semen. She waited until he stopped
spurting, then swallowed. She raised up from under the blanket, a sulky
smile on her face.
"99," Max whispered.
"Shhhh," she replied. "We'll talk later." She rested her head on his
shoulder. Her hand, under the blanket, clasped his upper thigh. She felt
him zip up, then he placed his hand over hers. She sighed, and fell into a
"Are we there yet?" Hymie asked, as he roused himself from his
"Almost. We're on final approach," Max said, grimly.
99 peered through the window, watching the lights of the small city
"I've heard the airport here is in need of repair," Max muttered.
"No time to worry about that now," 99 whispered. "We're coming in for a
The wheels touched down once, then a second time, as the plane bounced
along the runway. Then a third time, the tires screeching as the plane
settled down on the tarmac.
The plane taxied into the terminal, and a large staircase was rolled out to
the side of the plane. The three agents collected their carry-on luggage,
and exited the plane.
"Now what?" 99 asked.
Hymie stopped, his eyes fluttering.
"Oh, boy," Max muttered. "This must mean he has last-minute programming."
Hymie whirred and chattered for a moment, then he relaxed, reached inside
his shirt, and withdrew a sheet of paper.
Max snatched it, looking around to see if someone had spotted the odd
behavior. He read it hurriedly, and handed it to 99.
"KAOS is already here," she gasped. "I thought the Indians were
negotioting with CONTROL exclusively."
"'Exclusive' is hardly an exclusive term," Max frowned. "We'd better get
The three CONTROL Agents dashed toward the front of the terminal, where a
beaten-up taxi was waiting. "The Hotel Sai, please," Max gasped.
"Si." The driver nodded.
"No, Sai." Max insisted.
"Si." The driver nodded back.
"No..." Max began again.
"Max, 'si' means 'yes'." 99 whispered.
"I know that, 99. Get in."
hat the area
between the legs showed carved pubic hair, but no pudenda.
The naked Indian climbed up between the statue's legs, his erection growing
to full. Smart looked over at 99, who was paying close attention. The
Indian stroked the statue's breasts, and there was a small click, as an
opening appeared between the statue's legs.
The Indian plunged his massive erection into the hole, and a door opened on
the far side of the statue. The Indian scrambled down, and he exited
through the door, which rapidly closed behind him. As Smart watched, the
opening between the statue's legs showed the glint of a knife-edge as it
The other Indian walked around the statue, climbed up between its legs, and
went through the same caressings. The statue's cunt opened, the Indian
"foked" it, and the door opened.
But the Indian stumbled as he began to rise. He fell forward, his cock
still inside the statue as the door began to close. The Indian screamed,
and struggled to pull himself off, but the door closed, and --snick-- so
did the knife-edged vagina.
The room was filled with the screams of the man as he clutched at his
"Ouch!" winced Max.
The wall slid closed again.
"Pardon us while they clean up a little," Sigfried chuckled, his voice
fading as he disappeared into the darkness.
"Listen, Max," 99 whispered. "Twist the left nipple, squeeze the right
breast, put a fingertip in the navel, then squeeze both breasts."
"Not now, 99, we don't have time for a quickie."
"Not me, Max... The statue."
"Oh. What was that sequence again?"
99 went through the sequence. Hymie sat down and began to sob.
"I hope you don't rust," Max said.
"Doesn't matter. I can't 'fok' the statue. I don't have a thing."
"I am incomplete. I am not a human being, I am a robot. A badly-equipped
one, at that," Hymie sobbed.
"I think I know what he means," 99 said. "And I have an idea."
She reached for her handbag, and opened a hidden compartment in the bottom.
She fished out a fairly large dildo, a human-shaped hunk of plastic.
"Where'd you get that?" Max asked, wide-eyed.
"A lady-secret agent is always prepared," 99 grinned. "I call it Max."
"Gee, thanks, 99." Max grinned back at her. "But I don't think I quite
measure up to that..."
"I never knew any different until tonight," 99 grinned. She handed the
dildo to Hymie. "But you do measure up in more ways than size."
Hymie turned the dildo over in his hands. He pressed a button on it, and
it began to vibrate. "Very nice," he said. "It's electrical! I can
Hymie dropped his pants, and began to fiddle with himself. He paused a
moment to remove a fingertip, revealing a small butane torch. Another
fingertip removed to form a screwdriver. A few moments work, and Hymie
turned to show 99 and Max his new appendage.
"Very nice," 99 said. She stepped up to Hymie, knelt down and examined his
work. She reached out and touched it. At the touch of her finger, it
raised up, and began to vibrate. "Responsive, too!" she grinned up at him.
There was a sound from up above, and she scrambled to her feet. Hymie
pulled up his trousers, tucking his new tool into his pants.
"So, are you ready, Schmart?"
Max shrugged. The wall opened.
The three CONTROL agents walked toward the sculpture, but there was a cry
from behind them as 99 was grabbed and pulled back.
"99!" Max shouted, as the wall slid closed.
Max and Hymie looked around, then up. Above them, the ceiling seemed
solid, unlike the cell they had been in. "Fok the statue," the Indian
A sound like rushing water sounded. Max looked around to see four nozzles
appear in the wall behind him.
Water gushed through the nozzles; in short order there was an inch of water
covering the floor.
"Did I mention there was a time limit, Mr. Schmart?" Sigfried's voice
echoed through the room.
Max climbed up on the statue. He thought for a moment, then twisted the
left nipple, squeezed the right breast, put a fingertip in the navel, then
squeezed both breasts. The vaginal opening sprang open.
He reached down to guide his organ into the orifice. But he didn't have an
erection; he stroked his cock, trying to get blood into it. He thought of
99, but could only imagine her being tortured by Sigfried, which didn't
"Ahh, Agent 99, glad you could join me." Sigfried leered. He motioned to
the side, and the two Indians holding 99's arms tugged her in that
One arm was pulled up and back, and 99 felt a metal clasp close around her
wrist. Then the other was pulled up and clamped.
99 kicked at her captors, but they easily evaded her feet.
Sigfried nodded at the Indians, who grabbed her legs, strapping her feet to
two pedestals. The foot-straps were more flexible than the ones holding
her hands; they pivoted. She was still able to stand on the floor.
Sigfried made a slashing motion, and the Indians produced large knives.
99 looked from one to the other, as they tested their blades with their
"Do not move," Sigfried grinned. "Or you might be cut."
One Indian knelt down and slipped the blade of his knife under the hem of
her trouser leg. The other put his blade through the sleeve of her jacket.
99 heard the fabric of her clothing being cut, and closed her eyes as her
garments dropped away as their holds on her body were severed.
She shivered as the last of them dropped away. She now stood naked and
bound before Sigfried.
Sigfried motioned with his head, and the two Indians slipped out the door.
"Und now," Sigfried said, dramatically, "ve are alone." He stepped up and
reached out with his swagger stick, touching one of 99's nipples.
"Stay away from me, you ... you shit!"
"Calm down, Agent 99... It would be much easier for you." Sigfried turned
and pressed a series of controls on a box nearby.
99 felt her feet give out from under her as the pedestals holding her feet
began to lift and separate. Her legs were pulled up and apart, much like a
gynecologist's stirrups. Meanwhile, slides on the wall lowered her hands,
and a section of the wall behind her pushed outward, supporting her back.
Soon, she was spread before Sigfried like a trussed turkey; her vagina
spread wide open before him.
Sigfried grinned wickedly, as he touched her clitoris with his swagger
stick. 99 squirmed at the touch.
"Very nice, Agent 99. Very sensitive."
He unzipped his pants, and pulled out his penis; it was fully erect, but it
was horribly scarred. The head was a mass of scar tissue, almost like a
grotesque mushroom was growing under the skin.
Sigfried pushed a button on the console, and the pedestals and shackles
began to move, in an obscene rhythm, causing her feet to rise, her hips to
thrust, her breasts bouncing.
He moved up between her thighs, and touched his cock against her pussy. 99
moaned, closing her eyes, trying to pull away from his touch.
"Relax, my dear," Sigfried hissed. "It will be easier for both of us."
Max grasped at his cock, trying to stroke enough blood into it to be able
to insert it into the statue's vagina. Water lapped around his knees as he
knelt on the platform.
Hymie climbed up on the statue, and pushed Max aside. He unzipped his
trousers, allowing his new organ to fall out. He flicked the end of it,
and it began to vibrate. He inserted it into the vagina of the statue.
The door slid open.
Max dashed through the door. "HYMIE!" he shouted. "Come on!"
The door started to close. Hymie was still on the statue.
There was a flash of light, and an electric zap. The overhead lights went
...leaving Sigfried and 99 in the dark. Sigfried pulled away, fumbling for
his control panel.
99 realized that her left foot had somehow come loose from its strap.
"The hell with the lights," Sigfried muttered. "I don't need no fucking
machine! I'll do all the movement myself!"
He turned back to 99, who put the heel of her foot into Sigfried's nose.
As she kicked, the other electrically-controlled shackles let go. She slid
off the table, and with cat-like skill, located Sigfried.
She punched him twice again, once in the face, once in the groin. She
picked up his unconscious body, and propped him over one of the pedestals.
She wrapped the strap that had held her foot around his huge, misshapen
"With any luck, Asshole, you'll wake up before the power comes back on."
She pulled Sigfried's jacket off of him, and wrapped it around her naked
body, and felt her way to the open doorway.
"HYMIE!" Max shouted into the darkness. The door to the statue room had
stopped midway down.
"I'm right here," Hymie said, calmly, beside him. "A little less a man, a
little more than a robot."
"The goddess tried to cut off my appendage," Hymie said, calmly. "I
shorted out, and blew the power."
Max shook his head. "Don't worry, old friend, we'll get you another one."
"You bet you will," Hymie grinned.
They stumbled through the water in the hallway in the dark.
"99!" Max shouted.
"Down here," 99's voice came from a distance. As Hymie and Max stumbled in
the darkness, feeling their way along the wall, the lights began to flicker
99 rounded a corner, just as the lights came fully up. A scream sounded
from behind 99.
"What's that?" Max asked. "It sounds like Sigfried!"
"Never mind," 99 shook her head. "Let's just get the hell out of here!"
They ran down a corridor, turned left, and Max spotted daylight. "This
way!" he shouted, and the three CONTROL agents dashed out into the
Above them helicopter hovered. A long ladder unfurled from the door of the
"It's the CONTROL extraction team," Hymie said, smiling.
99 caught the end of the ladder and began to climb. Max followed her up
"Nice pants," he shouted up at 99.
"Shut up and climb," 99 shouted back.
As they climbed on board the 'chopper, 99 looked back down. "Where's
Max turned to look; he spotted Hymie emerging again from the Indian's
compound door. "There he is!"
The helicopter turned, and Hymie caught the end of the ladder and began to
climb. When he reached the top, Max and 99 pulled him aboard, and the
'copter swung around and headed for the nearest CONTROL base.
As they flew, 99 tucked her legs demurely under her, concealing her sex as
they sat on the floor of the cargo area of the 'copter.
"One thing I'm not sure of," 99 said, finally. "What the hell were we
"Would you believe that the Indians had developed the ultimate aphrodesiac?
One that a small amount -- say a test-tube full -- dropped into the water
supply of a major city, would cause everyone in that city to 'fok'
themselves silly for days?"
"I doubt that," 99 frowned.
"It's true," Hymie said.
"Bullshit," 99 shook her head.
Hymie reached into his pocket and drew out a test tube of dark-blue fluid.
"You got it!" Max cried.
Hymie smiled. "Of course!"
"Good work," nodded Max.
Back at CONTROL headquarters, Max, 99 and Hymie reported to the Chief.
Hymie held out the test-tube of blue fluid.
The Chief accepted it gravely, turning to put it in his personal wall safe.
"Mission accomplished," Max said, smiling.
"For once," the Chief added, "without a major bungle."
"Would you mind if we took off a few days, Chief?" 99 asked.
"I don't see why not," the Chief nodded. "I think you've earned a few days
leave. Any plans?"
"Not really," 99 smirked.
Max and 99 left the Chief's office, leaving Hymie behind to plead his case
for new equipment.
"What do we want with a few days leave?" Max whispered. "You know I live
for my job."
99 reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out a small vial and
showed it to Max. The dark-blue fluid inside sparkled.
"How about a glass of water, Max?" she asked, a sparkle in her eye.
Max smiled, and they walked out of Headquarters arm in arm.
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