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Red Sonja currently owned by Dynamite Comics, G. I. Joe currently owned by IDW. This is parody. I'm using a Vicki version of Red Sonja where the goddess Scathach saved Sonja from rape and told her the 'no man' thing and added she could have as many women as she wanted.

Some chapters Rated NC-17 for F/F sex, cons., this chapter set up, no sex

Scarlett finds herself in another world during a solo mission and soon finds herself mistaken for a certain 'She-Devil'.



G.I. Joe/Red Sonja: Red And Scarlett! Part 1
by Tara a.k.a. Shelly ([email protected])

It was 2 in the morning on a moonless night as the lithe figure dressed in black easily slipped past 2 lazy guards. Soundlessly the figure moved with practiced ease, every sense alert. There were dozens of guards, but the enemy was so incompetent it wasn't even funny.

Only when the stealthy intruder reached the target building did it finally become a challenge. Handprint scan lock, and there was a deadly laser grid beyond. Pulling off a glove the intruder was revealed as a woman. The new latex glove she now slipped on had the handprint of another woman.

The woman now pulled off her mask freeing her long red hair. Her name was Shana M. O'Hara codename Scarlett of the elite fighting force known as G.I. Joe. She was currently on a recon mission at one of secret science bases of the terrorist organization known as Cobra. Cobra was up to something new as every plot they hatched seemed to be easily stopped by the outnumbered Joes.

Simply put, the Cobra's were made up of bullies and cowards who ran after the first few shots, awful flyers, were terrible shots, and for the most part couldn't fight worth a damn. Their leader, known only as Cobra Commander was a preening buffoon. He thought he was a great general when in reality he couldn't lead a boy scout troop.

Then there was Destro. Destro actually was a competent general in terms of strategy, but his own ego and temper coupled with a total lack of troops who could actually fight held him back. Storm Shadow had been extremely dangerous, fortunately he was back on the Joes side.

Then there was the Baroness! She was more dangerous than any of the top Cobra's. Scarlett had fought her many times and despite the ninja training she received from Snake Eyes Baroness was an even match for her. Baroness and Scarlett had traded many victories going 4-4 with 7 ties. Fortunately Baroness was morally ambiguous, her personal code of honor had sometimes led her to switching sides and helping the Joes.

It was her handprint that Scarlett was using. The ping brought Shana back to the present. The door opened, Shana pulled out the spray that when used revealed the lasers. The Baroness would have a belt device that when activated would turn them off, Scarlett was going to have to get through it the hard way.

'Then again, that's more fun anyway,' Shana thought a smile on her face.

Scarlett and Jinx were the only ones qualified for this job. The handprint, the spacing of the lasers and a pressure plate later on ruled Snake Eyes and Kamakura out with their manly builds and weight. Lady Jaye was damn good, but Scarlett was the better acrobat and martial artist. Cover Girl and Bombstrike were good enough in a fight, but not qualified for stealth missions.

Scarlett had a lot more experience than Jinx and so had been given the mission. Shana had to keep herself as streamlined as possible and so didn't even have a gun. She was not unarmed however. Scarlett had her specially made break down crossbow with 12 bolts, 3 explosive heads that could be attached, she also carried 6 shuirken and a combat knife. Scarlett wasn't there to fight.

The flexible Scarlett eased into the trapped hall, a handstand, a flip, slipping through small spaces between the laser beams. Over, under, pressing herself against the wall was one of the few times she was sorry she was so busty as she lost a single curl of hair. A flip and a roll and she was through. Now was the pressure plate. A mans weight would set off the alarm a woman wouldn't.

The next door was a simple lock, as Cobra didn't think anyone could get that far. Despite her contempt for the abilities of the individual Cobra's their sheer weight of numbers kept her from getting too cocky. She was fully inside now, looking for an office, or a computer, anything she could find that would tell her what Cobra was up to.

Scarlett assembled her crossbow, slipping a bolt in. The beautiful Joe slipped from room to room. Nothing but old chairs and half dead plants in the first 5 rooms along with a broom closet that looked like it was never used by the worn out nasty cleaning supplies. But Cobra wasn't going to have this many men guarding something unless it was important. On the right and left and straight ahead were 3 more rooms. Large rooms.

The room to the left had a fully stocked chemistry lab. Compared to the previous rooms this one looked state of the art right out of a sci-fi mad scientist's dream. But there was no computer or any files to tell her what this was being used for. That in itself screamed 'Dr. Mindbender' who was notorious for keeping his usually 'kooky' ideas in his head.

The room to he right turned out to be a jackpot, at least as far as explosives and small arms were concerned. Rocket launchers, grenades, plastic explosives, automatic rifles, these needed to be taken out. It took no time at all for Scarlett to find some plastique and detonators. Since she hadn't found what she was looking for yet, Scarlett didn't want to set the charges until she found a remote detonator. With that problem solved she moved on.

Bingo! Door number three as she slipped silently in. This room was bigger than a football field. Huge equipment was everywhere along with Dr. Mindbender and at least a dozen techs. A pair of guards were also there, looking bored and yawning. The problem was Scarlet had no idea what they were doing nor did she know how to get the information she needed.

Many of the techs were at computers but they were in the open meaning she would have to expose herself. Sure, she was capable of handling all the men in the room, Mindbender as a wuss, the techs looked like typical nerds, and just 2 Cobra regulars couldn't stop her, but at least one of them would hit an alarm. Dr. Mindbender was working on something in the middle of 2 pylons. A glowing shimmering globe about the size of a person.

Working her way around the room to get a better look Scarlett found a small desk with a laptop on it. She had to duck for cover as Dr. Mindbender headed for her position with a new disc in hand.

"At last," Mindbender evilly laughed, "The world will now belong to Cobra! And Cobra will belong to me! This disc contains all the data I need. I need only to activate my machine once I upload this!"

That didn't sound good at all. But fate intervened as Cobra Commander chose that time to call. Dr. Mindbender laid the disc down and went back to answer with a sigh of resignation. Scarlett hated luck because it had a bad habit of changing at the worst possible time. Right at the moment though she didn't have a choice.

She was into the Joe secure line and downloaded the disc to Gen. Hawk. Cobra Commander was on a rant keeping the enemy occupied. Scarlett smiled as she recalled an old saying.

'The worst enemy a villain can have is another villain,' Shana thought smiling.

Scarlett's smile vanished as an emergency message came back from Gen. Hawk. She confirmed it. A direct order to destroy Dr. Mindbender's machine at all costs! Gen. Hawk was sending everything he had at this base. There was no mistake, no false message. Scarlett was to destroy the machine if she could and get out. No sooner did she fix an explosive head to a bolt when she heard the unmistakable sound of automatic gunfire.

In the panic Scarlett popped up and put the explosive bolt right into the control panel of the machine. Techs were sent flying as Scarlett popped a second explosive tipped bolt into her crossbow and blew out a section of a wall.

"Nooooo! Nooooo!" Dr. Mindbender screamed, "What have you done!"

No one had seen her yet as she destroyed the disc then made for the opening she had made. Small explosions were going off, both inside and outside as other Joes assaulted the base. The 2 guards finally saw her and opened up. Scarlett had no choice, she had to take them out. Her first bolt took one man in the shoulder. He was smart and ran. The other one was a fanatic. With explosions going off all around any smart or sane man would be getting out.

"Listen to me!" Scarlett shouted, "This whole place is about to go sky high! If we stay we die! It's over!"

"Cobraaaa!" he shouted still firing.

Scarlett had no choice. She couldn't escape and she had only a killing shot. Her bolt took the man in the chest. His gun fell from lifeless fingers. Dr. Mindbender and the techs had all made out. They ran right into a group of Joes and were captured. Scarlett didn't know this as she ran from the building. A safe distance away she dove behind a barricade and detonated the explosives she had rigged.

A massive explosion leveled the building sending Joes and Cobras sprawling, but alive. The shockwave deafened Scarlett as she huddled behind the small wall. As her senses returned she started to rise. She still couldn't hear anything, her pretty face smeared with dirt and she would have many bruises in the morning.

Looking around she saw Flint give her a thumbs up from about 80 yards away. Casualty's had been light, no Joes were dead, Roadblock's concussion was the most serious wound the good guys had suffered. Of some 200 Cobra's only 5 were dead, several wounded, all captured. Broken glass crunched beneath her feet as Scarlett moved into the open, a slight smile forming on her lips.

Checking her remaining bolts she found she had lost her last explosive tip and started looking for it. She didn't notice Snake Eyes desperately pointing behind her. Being mute he couldn't warn his dear friend. Duke finally saw it and also yelled. Hearing not yet fully recovered Scarlett heard him, too late.

Looking up she saw the shimming globe rolling right at her. She didn't even have time to scream. Engulfing her it then dissipated. Globe and Scarlett were gone. Scarlett had no idea she had saved the entire Earth. Had Dr. Mindbender activated it the globe of 'dimensional matter' would have became a black hole devouring the entire Earth. Free of the machine the globe instead acted as a one way 'time warp'.

* * *

Even with closed eyes she could see the light. The sun was warm on her body, the breeze pleasant. The scent of wildflowers filled her lungs. That was all lost in the pain.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Scarlett moaned as she came to.

'At least I'm not dead, it hurts too damn much,' Scarlett thought as feeling returned.

Getting an am across her face she finally managed to get her eyes open. Wherever she was it was close to mid-day. Birds could be heard now as hearing seemed fully restored. It seemed to take an eternity to open her eyes, the light blinding at first. Sitting up actually wasn't bad. The pain was fading quickly into the bumps and bruises she had gotten during the fight and explosions. Checking herself, nothing seemed broken, overall she felt fine now. In fact, she was feeling a bit horny.

Rising to her feet she was unsteady only for a moment. Looking around she was indeed in a field of flower, woods on 3 sides, mountains off in the distance in the other. Smoke from several of what looked like old East European houses were in that direction as well. She checked her equipment. Her crossbow had a slight ding on the pistol grip, but nothing major. She still had 8 bolts, the 6 shurken, and the knife. The knife was a Joe combat knife with the usual survival gear inside, penlight, lighter, a half dozen matches, compass, and 50' of fishing line.

The 10" blade with serrated back edge was a serious weapon in its own right. In the hands of a martial artist like Scarlett it was truly lethal. Trained almost since she could walk in various martial arts she was further enhanced by long hours of ninja training with Snake Eyes.

Scarlett and Jinx tried to train with each other but it seemed like they couldn't go 10 minutes without ripping each others gi's off and having hot steaming lesbian sex. And if Flint only knew how lez Lady Jaye was... Scarlett frowned as she checked the compass. Knowing direction was one thing, but she had no idea where she was starting from! Well, the obvious path was the small village. She already had a sinking feeling she wasn't going to find a phone, or anything else modern.

'They don't look Amish,' Scarlett thought as she neared the run down houses, 'But who are they? And for that matter where am I?'

There were plowed fields with men working behind animal driven plows. Women drew water from a large well in the center of the village. They were very poor, their dress, and houses looked very old Russian. Their speech also sounded a bit like archaic Russian. Scarlett could speak passable Russian, at first catching only 1 word in 3, but soon she found she could fully understand everything. That was weird.

In general the people were shorter. Scarlett found herself taller than most though only by an inch or 2. Many people also were giving her a wide berth. Scarlett then noticed that with her crossbow on her hip she seemed to be the only person armed. One man with an armload of wood, dropped them upon seeing her and ran off.

"Sonja!," he yelled.

That seemed to start a panic as mothers grabbed children and ran into houses, bolts slamming home. People vacated the streets, many pointing at her crying 'Sonja'! Men ran in from the fields, grabbing pitchforks and wood axes. Her crossbow came out the arms popped open as she loaded, but didn't point it.

"We don't want ye here She Devil," an older man, possibly the village leader said.

"I think there is a misunderstanding here sir, "Scarlett found she understood their semi-Russian language," I am not who everyone here thinks I am."

"So ye deny being Red Sonja eh?" the man questioned, "The who ye claim to be."

"I'm called Scarlett, sergeant, U.S. Army special forces assigned to unit codenamed G.I. Joe," Scarlett said not giving her real name in case this whole thing was some kind of trick by Cobra.

It wouldn't be the first time Cobra tried some kind of head game. With a sinking feeling though Scarlett had a bad feeling that this was real, whatever it was.

"Everyone knows about Red Sonja, but ye claims to be someone named Scarlett," the man said rather than asked, "I never heard o' no 'yu ess' army. Where's the rest of ye?"

"Oh, they could be anywhere," Scarlett bluffed waving her free hand, "So, is this Sonja a bandit or something?"

"Naw, but she's trouble," the man lowered his pitchfork a bit, "People tend ta get kilt when she's around. They say she tries ta help folks, but she's kilt so many men someone's always after her. Usually with a swam of cutthroats with 'em as few are fool enough ta try her alone."

"Um, does anyone have a phone or a car I could use," Scarlett tried, but with a sinking feeling. The looks on their faces told her everything she needed to know, "Uh, look, is this Russia? Romania? Ukraine?"

"Huh?" everyone looked puzzled. Several murmured between themselves.

"This land, what is it called?," Scarlett asked, giving away that she was alone, but seeing no choice.

"Well, I believes ye now that ye ain't Sonja," the man said, fully relaxing his fork, "Sonja would know she's home. This is Hyrkania."

"What year is this?" Scarlett asked, afraid of the answer.

"Year? Why it's the 12th year of King Yama Doz," the man looked puzzled, "Everyone knows that! Did ye take a blow to the head lass?"

"Something like that," Scarlett bowed her head, she was strong, but even she was hard pressed not to break down in tears.

This wasn't a dream and it wasn't a head game, Cobra wasn't that good. Wherever she was, she was stuck here with no support and at best iron age technology. She was betting her $82 dollars was worthless paper here. Scarlett mentally took stock of her possessions. She had only her 'ninja suit', weapons, watch and necklace. She needed her weapons, her watch was state of the art military, waterproof, she doubted these people could tell time. That left only her necklace with gold cross pendent.

Times like this Shana wished she wore more jewelry. The chain and cross had been a gift from her father and she was reluctant to give it up as it was her last link to her old life. But she was going to need to eat, and or get some kind of transportation to somewhere she could find a way to make a living. In her world she could step into many different kinds of jobs. Here, she had a sinking feeling it was farmer's wife, whore, or soldier.

"I need a job, where is the nearest big city?" Scarlett asked, then corrected herself, "I'll only fight for a just man. I'm American. That may not mean anything here, but my people fight for freedom and liberty."

"What about your slaves?" a young man asked.

"We got rid of that over 150 years ago," Scarlett sadly smiled knowing it would be hundreds of years at least until America was found.

In fact, Scarlett wasn't even sure she was still on Earth. The night sky would tell that.

"Warlord Boz Nodal is out then," the leader said, "He's the closest a weeks ride south, but a real bastard. He pretty much leaves us alone as we don't have much he wants. Every couple a yeas he sends a few men up ta see if we gots any pretty girls. Warlord Togo's to the east just a little further. They say he ain't too bad. Marduks to the north, stay away from 'im. A butcher and said ta be a wizard. Prince Fa Choi, a Khitai prince married into King Yama Doz's family is east. They say he's a good man."

"East good, west okay, north and south bad, got it," Scarlett said.

"Look!" a man shouted.


"What now?" Scarlett asked as this long strange day got even stranger.

A beautiful red haired woman clad only in some kind of perverted fantasy
'bikini' was being chased on horseback by a dozen filthy slug goons.

"Let me guess, THAT's Red Sonja," Scarlett said now doubting her sanity, or maybe this was some kind of Cobra plot or joke, "Okay, jokes over! Come on out Destro! A strange world, I understand them even though this is no language I've ever heard. A warrior woman dressed like a Boris model! I don't believe it!"

The fear of the villagers as they ran for cover wasn't fake. The terror on their faces was real enough, and something Shana had seen many times before. Crossbow in hand she took up a position. There was plenty of time later to determine what was real and what wasn't.

'Real or not, she's hot,' Scarlett thought, 'Maybe we can hook up.'

Taking careful aim she fired, second bolt loaded right behind.

...............
End of Part 1:
...............

    

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