Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Star Trek:
Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount and Viacom.

Pairing: Torres/Seven

Summary: What deep insights will be revealed to Seven of Nine when she
consults her spirit guide?

Rated: R. Contains explicit sexual references of a heterosexual and lesbian

Feedback is required for sustenance, so please email me. Archiving and
downloading is welcome as long as you credit the author. Many thanks to
Steff for beta-ing this.

Star Trek - Voyager: Seven's Spirit Guide
by Odon ([email protected]

"Seven, do you realise what time it is?"

"Time is irrelevant, Lieutenant Torres. I require your assistance."

"With what?"

"I am experiencing a spiritual crisis."

"A spiritual...Kahless! Look Seven, go talk to Chakotay, he's into all that
New Age mumbo jumbo."

"I did. That is why I am here."

"I see...well no I don't, actually. What's the problem?"

"For some time now, Commander Chakotay has been attempting to persuade me
to go on a 'vision quest'. He claimed it would 'give direction to the
course of my life', 'provide consolation in times of emotional crisis',
'release the human within the Borg'..."

"And provide a free set of steak knives. Yeah yeah; I've heard all this
before, Seven."

"I suspected as much. Eventually, in order to explore my humanity and end
the commander's incessant droning, I agreed to join him in a search for my
animal guide."

"Well, I hope you had better luck with yours than I had with mine."

"Yes, Chakotay said you were the only person he knew who tried to kill
their animal guide. Why?"

"Because it was a bloody tribble! Get on with it, Seven."

"Chakotay took me to his room and laid out a blanket which he called his
'medicine bundle'. I observed no objects of medicinal value but assumed
that the blackbird's wing belonged to a creature that had once required
such assistance. Chakotay informed me that in earlier times his people had
used psychoactive herbs to contact the spirit realm, but were required to
terminate this practice during the ancient conflict known as The War on

"Therefore in order to simulate this effect Chakotay used a device called
an akoonah. However an untimely malfunction of this device forced us to
resort to ancient methods; consuming various mushrooms and inhaling the
fumes from burning dried leaves, species cannabis sativa. After several
minutes of this activity I complained to Chakotay that I was experiencing
no apparent effects, but was hampered by an unusual difficulty in elocution
and the commander assuming the form of a banjo-playing banana in a tutu.
Commander Banana told me to resist the strange urge I was experiencing to
dance around the room with flowers in my hair singing Talaxian folk songs,
and to concentrate instead on the stone in his medicine bundle."

"So I concentrated on being stoned while Chakotay began to chant:

'A-koo-chee-mojo. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We
are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful
being who will embrace this woman and give her the answers she seeks.' "

"I realised then that I was standing in the midst of a windswept desert,
barren but for a few insignificant cacti and scraggly mesquite shrubs. Half
buried in a dune of abandoned television scripts was a tall wooden pillar
carved with totemic figures - a mighty warrior with his intriguing facial
structure marked by a large tattoo. At his feet crouched a great bear,
savage and untamed, while on his head perched a long-eared lapdog, silent
and passive. Around me the wind whistled and howled, it grew louder and
louder, it blew through the hole in the warrior's face that was his mouth
and I realised there were words in the wind, words that filled my mind and
spoke to me from down through the ages."

"'Seven of Nine, what is it you seek?' asked the wooden warrior."

"I replied, 'I seek perfection.'"

"The wooden man said, 'It is not perfection that you seek but happiness, as
you showed when you rejected the false perfection offered by the Borg
Queen. You seek yet fear the solace that another individual can give you,
the means by which you are bonded to another yet become not a drone but a
unified gestalt, two individuals who are more than the sum of their

"And I said, 'I seek such a union with Captain Janeway' and the wooden man
replied, 'Do not for she is a false queen. Once I too sought such a union.
I joined the strength of the Great Maquis Bear with that of the Starfleet
Coffee Beetle but found all life and character development drained from my
body until my features became as wood and my personality lifeless as the
barren desert in which you now stand. She is but a false Guide, and you
must reject her.'"

"So I said, 'And what of the Doctor?' and the wooden man replied, 'The
Doctor is a mere chimera, a soulless construct of technology created in the
image of Man yet he can only be an imitation of that infinite complexity,
the swirling emotions and buried possibilities and endless History of Time
that is Man. He is but a Hollow Man, a Stuffed Man, and you should tell him
to get stuffed.'"

"'How then can I find happiness?' I asked and he said, 'You shall find
happiness through me for I am your Spirit Guide, the one powerful being who
will embrace you and give you the answers you seek. You must return to
Voyager and find the One Who Stands in the Shadow of the Great Coffee
Thirst, concealed yet not diminished by her presence. You must kneel before
him, seeking out the One-Eyed Serpent that lies coiled within the Union of
Powerful Thighs and draw it from its hiding place with ancient incantations
spoken in words of four letters, take it into your hands as you would a
child, nurture its growth with gentle caresses until it grows tall and
proud like the Purple-Helmeted Warrior. You must bring this warrior into
yourself, you must let him plunge his Mighty Spear into the moist cavern of
your mouth and draw forth the Great White Essence with loving strokes of
your tongue...'"

"'I think not,' I interrupted. 'I believe that happiness will be achieved
more efficiently by seeking out the Fiery Warrior who Stands in the Shadow
of the Tall Handsome Jerk-Off, concealed yet not diminished by his
presence. I must enter the Dark Raven Jungle that lies in the Valley of the
Smooth Dusky Thighs and gaze unflinching into the Eye That Weeps When it is
Most Pleased while the Fiery Warrior seeks out the Axe Mark in the Back of
the Bear and licks her wound with gentle caresses moving faster and faster
until the Great River gushes forth sweeping us away in its unstoppable
torrent, turning and swirling in the Tides of Ecstasy until we are flung
gasping onto the gentle shore where we rest in each other's arms, gaining
strength for the next stage of our journey down the Never-Ending River of

"Then the heavens darkened and the earth shook as the wooden warrior roared
with a voice like thunder, 'Listen to me you stuck up Borg, you really
think you're going to do The Beast With Two Backs with Turtle-Headed
Torres?' and I said, 'Well I'm certainly not going to Eat Corn The Long Way
with Janeway's Pet Jellyfish!' whereupon a great convulsion seized the
warrior as he tried to form an expression of tremendous outrage but his
wooden face cracked under the strain and fell asunder into splinters at my
feet which I whittled down into tiny statuettes to present as courting
gifts to my Klingon beloved...Lieutenant Torres, I wish to ask you a

"Uh, yes?"

"What is the real reason you killed your animal guide?"

"Well...I guess it was because I realised that Chakotay's New Age mumbo
jumbo is just some bullshit he uses to get into women's pants."

"That was my conclusion as well. Please accept this carved statuette as a
token of my affection. It shows the Proud Golden Eagle living in harmony
with the Fierce Warrior Raven."

"Thank you. Ah Seven, you didn't really carve this out of Chakotay, did

"No, I carved it out of the dream catcher he asked me to hang over my bed;
strangely enough I found a tiny camera inside. Commander Chakotay is
currently in Sickbay receiving a long and boring lecture from the Doctor on
the dangers of illicit drug use. It appears he...accidentally fractured
several bones during our vision quest."

"Well Seven, I guess you discovered something useful during your vision
quest after all."

"Yes B'Elanna, it appears that I did."



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