Disclaimer: I do not own the television series that this fanfiction is
written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from
the writing of this story.

These characters do not belong to me but exclusively to Robert Tapert and
Renaissance Pictures. This is intended to be solely a work for free
distribution on the Internet with no profit whatsoever. This story contains
quite graphic depictions of heterosexual sex including oral and anal
copulation. It will also deeply offend Joxer-haters everywhere. That is its'
intent. Timeline; Season 6, the night before Xena marries Ares

Xena The Warrior Princess: The Jitters (MF,spank)
by GoolCaptain ([email protected])

"Just let me stay here," thought Joxer. "Let tomorrow never come and the two
of us just stay here forever". He rested his head on Xena's, both supporting
each other in more ways than one. He could smell the flowers in her hair,
could feel them pressed against his skull. In the morning she would be Ares'
bride and lost to him for all time. For now he revelled in the fact that she
needed him, just this once. They may be united in misery but at least they
were united.

Then she kissed him.

He tore himself away, retreating to the far side of the room. For a moment he
wondered if this was actually Meg before him, playing some sort of prank. But
no, it was Xena. Xena had just kissed him. Not a peck, not a kiss of
affection, a full-blown, on the lips, kiss of passion. A kiss that said she
wanted him, here and now, a kiss that offered her to him without reservation.

"Xena what are you doing?"

She looked at him with sadness, almost melancholy. He thought she looked
too beautiful for words, so pretty in her wedding dress. All the pain in the
world behind those blue, blue eyes, a sea of tears. A pain he recognised, a
grinding agony he normally saw reflected at the bottom of his glass. And she
craved him. Why now? Why now of all times?

"Joxer, tomorrow I'm going to marry Ares. I'll be his wife not just for the
rest of my life but I'll be immortal, I'll be his forever. That's all I have
to look forward to, for all eternity. I don't love him, I never could and he
may be my father."

He understood now. He thought that his heart would melt but he let her
continue, let her go on because she needed to say it even if he knew what she
was going to say.

"I'm willing to do it, I'm willing to do anything to get Gabrielle back. But
tonight I don't want to be alone, I want to be with someone I love."

He stepped forward and took her hands. He met her gaze.

"Be with me tonight Joxer. Give me a night of mortal love to sustain me
through eternity."

He kissed her. Joxer the Mighty, the joke, the buffoon kissed the warrior
princess. Kissed her because she wanted him to, even if their hearts both
belonged to another. Tonight he would be with her because she needed him and
he couldn't refuse her, would never turn her away. How many men had dreamt
of this moment? Yet as he took her in his arms it was not the leather clad
warrior beauty he embraced but a woman, a woman who desired him for his heart
rather than his body.

Both were hers for the asking.

She let her dress fall to the floor and he stood back for a moment,
marvelling at the incredible beauty before him. He stepped forward again
and attempted to sweep her of her feet and on to the bed.

He tripped.

"Joxer!" she exclaimed through peals of laughter as they fell onto the covers
in a tangled mass of arms and legs. It was good to hear her laugh again, for
whatever reason.

Joxer switched his attention to those wonderful, bewitching breasts. He took
her left nipple into his mouth and began to gently, bite, suck and lick. His
left hand went to her other breast and began to explore the soft flesh there,
massaging the nipple and aeriole to a pert hardness. Xena stopped laughing
and instead began to breathe slower and shallower. Joxer's free hand strayed
between her thighs, finding the lips of her cunny and stroking them slowly
with his fingertips. She arched her back and gave a long moan of pleasure. He
could feel her becoming gradually wetter, her juices flowing freely over his

She prised him away from her chest and kissed him again. She traced her
tongue down the length of his body until she found his suprisingly impressive
manhood. It was rock hard and began to twitch uncontrollably as she showered
it with kisses. It seemed only natural that she took it in her mouth and
began to suck with enthusiasm, her long forgotten skills returning to her in
an instant, licking and stroking his balls with her tongue. All too soon he
shot his seed into her mouth, unable to contain himself any longer. She
swallowed him down eagerly; as if signifying the acceptance of his body
within hers, relishing the long forgotten taste as he stroked her hair

He returned the favour with gusto, licking her cunny with aplomb, lapping at
the sweet, sweet juices he found there. Xena gripped the headboard so hard
she almost splintered it, thrashing about wildly with each new gentle
probing. Joxer teased her clitoris, licking it in a swirling motions before
gently nibbling on it. Xena actually screamed with ecstasy,

"Ah, ah, yes, yes!"

Joxer combined his action with a few shallower, wider strokes along the
length of her cunny. He placed her clitty between his lips and began to
gently hum, "Joxer the mighty..."

Xena came so hard she almost passed out. He kept going, oblivious to her
begging, giving her orgasm after orgasm until she was hoarse from her

"Joxer, Joxer, please, oh, by Zeus, oh, oh, please stop!"

He kissed her, it was strange, he could taste himself in her mouth and she
in his. It only seemed to provoke them both to a whole new plane of passion.

He parted her legs as far as they would go and entered her tenderly. She
accepted him, crooking one foot around his waist and scratching great furrows
on his back with her fingernails. He rode her with mounting excitement,
thrusting into her harder and harder until she bit into his shoulder muscle
to stop herself crying out again. They came together as Xena lost her battle,
throwing her arms and head backwards, surrendering to the waves of pleasure
that threatened to overwhelm her.

"Oh, by the gods, oh, yes, yes!"

They lay exhausted, soaked in sweat, their bodies raging with warmth and
passion. At last Xena stirred and laid herself face down across Joxer's lap,
their loins perpendicular. Joxer had seen a lot in his lifetime, had looked
upon the embodiment of pure evil, had been enchanted, saved Cleopatra, had
seen it rain dinars from the sky, had met the gods so often it hardly seemed
special anymore. But what happened next took him by surprise.

"Joxer, tie my hands."

For a second he hesitated but then she handed him a length of cord from the
waist of her wedding dress and looped her hands through it. All he had to do
was finish the knot.

"Spank me, Joxer!"



"OK, OK, whatever you say."

She arched her hips backwards in anticipation of each stinging blow, the hot
pain soon muting into the wonderful pulsing warm glow that infused slowly to
her cunny and produced mounting, tingling sensations of pleasure that had
her dripping with excitement. The binding of her wrists only enhanced her
pleasure, strain as she could she could break free, there was nothing she
could do except enjoy herself.

The only problem was that Joxer was hesitant at first but he was rapidly
warming to his task.


He did as he was instructed and soon her ears rang to the glorious sound of
his palm slapping against the skin of her buttocks. Her hands strayed to her
clitoris and she began to toy with herself, idly.

She was taken aback as his fingertips began to explore the tight puckered
flesh between her arse cheeks but she did not resist, forcing herself to
relax as they strayed within her, causing her to twist and writhe in such a
delightful manner. He widened her a little in expectation of his penetration,
his cock already swollen to full size and eager to conquer new territory.
Somehow Xena found the prospect not at all unpleasant and perhaps a little
intriguing, to have a man take her like this again for the first time in
years. Hercules had been uninterested despite all those things people said
about him and Iolaus.

His hand found her clitoris again and sought out the raised area behind
it, sensing his discovery of the G-spot from her rapid intake of breath.
He brought her to the very verge of orgasm before entering her anally,
delighting in the sweetly pert ring of muscle he found there, lingering
deliberately as it held his cock gloriously like a warm, tight, fist.
Xena cried out, half in pain, half in pleasure and desperately thrust
herself backwards onto his cock, frantic to take more of him inside her,
to join them more intimately than ever. With expert timing they came
together, their bodies shuddering uncontrollably, bucking and shaking as
they peaked wonderfully, sharing a moment of absolute carnal bliss between

* * *

He stared at the ceiling, her head draped across his chest. He twirled her
hair in his fingers, marvelling at the long thick locks. It occurred to him
that he had just bedded Xena, the warrior princess, the bride of Ares on the
night before her wedding. His fame would probably last for aeons, as would
his suffering if the God of War ever found out. Yet he didn't care. All he
cared about was the warm, sensitive woman he cradled in his arms.

He chewed idly on a toothpick. He wished someone would invent something you
could do in the mellow aftermath of sex. Maybe if there was a herb you could

She turned over and joined him staring into infinity. It was a long time
before she spoke.


"Yes Xena?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking that I'm the only person in the world whose going to see both
you and Gabrielle married. I saw her widowed; I helped her return her husband
to the elements. I saw her die. Tomorrow I get to see you married so that she
might live. It's not how I planned it."

He shuffled a little, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look her
in the eye. "What are you thinking?"

She looked a little uncomfortable" Honestly?"


"I'm thinking I'd have never in a million years thought that you'd be this

Joxer laughed. He laughed for what seemed like an age, until tears streamed
down his cheeks, even when she prodded him indignantly, trying to suppress
her own giggling. It hurt; even when she did it playfully but it didn't stop
him. Eventually he recovered enough to let her continue.

"No, I'm serious, where'd you learn to do that?"

He smiled modestly. "Let's just say Meg's a good teacher, very professional."

"As good as me?"

"Different. I know you look identical but you've a lot more muscle, a lot
more energy. She a softer touch, a slow burn. You're both great, just
different, that's all."

"I guess that's why her girls were so fond of you. Joxer the Mighty indeed.

She looked vaguely guilty for a moment. Joxer returned to studying the
ceiling with her. The minutes passed in agreeable silence.

"It's just a long time since I've been with a guy, that's all. I'd almost
forgotten what it was like. I mean Gabrielle was sensational, you'd expect a
bard to be good with her tongue and fingers, don't get me wrong but she..."

"Lacked a certain something?"

"Well, yes, obviously."

"You never used, uh, devices?"

"No, she never liked them much. It was more of a personality thing."

"But you?"

"Well, I'd a lot more experience with men than her. Sometimes you want quail,
sometimes you want."


"Easy, Narcissus! Don't get me wrong, my heart belongs to..."

"Gabrielle". He let the word hang in the air for a moment and they were both
quiet again.

"Don't get me wrong, tonight was special, but what we have..."

"Doesn't compare. I know, I resigned myself to that a long time ago."

"Joxer, I want you to promise me something. If I marry Ares and Gabrielle
comes back I want you to take care of her, take her to the Academy in Athens.
Marry her. If I can't be with her I want her with someone who can make her
happy, someone who can make her forget about me."

"You got it. But you make it sound as though we'll never see each other

"I hardly think Ares will allow you to visit."

"Screw jellybutt!" She laughed and Joxer felt a twinge of fear before
remembering what he'd be doing to Ares' bride to be for the last few hours
and how name-calling rather paled in comparison. "What I mean is that Gab
and I are on pretty good terms with Cupid and 'Dite, so we can always drop
by at their invitation. And Hercules could always bring us along."

"Whatever, do you promise?"

"With all my heart."

She rolled over and stared at him, resting her chin on her clasped palms.
Her right leg folded forwards, her foot twirling playfully as she arched her
eyebrows. "You know we still have a few hours to dawn."

Joxer kissed her, kissed her and rolled over on top of her, pinioning her
with his weight. For all her incredible qualities Xena was still a woman and
tonight this woman needed to be loved.

"Forgive me Gabrielle, I can never take her away from you but only comfort
her in your absence" he prayed, for the dead knew the thoughts of the living.
"Bless this coupling Aphrodite and bless this wonderful, remarkable woman I
hold in my arms. May she find peace and her soul mate once again."

The countless, searing, stings the world could deliver could not disturb the
lovers. For tonight, both only knew the pleasure of the each other.


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